confusion and dissociating

I think the hardest time I have explaining it is that I'm unsure of what im explaining. what does it mean that it happens? I start to fear fear because it doesnt really have a name/dx for me or possibly it does. then I start editting my words to avoid any resemplance of any dx i dont want. I'm a mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I understand about the weekends! i've ALWAYS been the same with that. Too many pulls to be too present all the time. It's an indication of how much we do dissociate when we have the opporunity? Also, it doesn't feel safe because it's a change from my routine...

What always helped me to find words were using metaphors/analogies. Feelings are hard for us dissociators, so it's proven that we use analogies alot to explain what's going on inside. T used to call me the "queen of analogy". LOL. It worked because it gave him SOME idea of what was going on inside my mind.

Try thinking of an analogy for the really rough stuff. Somehow saying, "It hurts," doesn't quite get it, does it? Try to think how others might feel in a specific situation and put it back that way to t.

Alot of words that I used were far from clinical to explain my experience. I didn't do alot of reading because it scared me so I had to use my own words...present, checked, blended, whacked, dark wall with flashlight held up to a few still pictures, still picture memory, short clip memory, tape playing, full memory (one with complete movie playing...with sound, feeling and thoughts...which was rare).

Therapy is hard for us in more ways than one, yes?

KD

Confusion

confusion is the incongruence between
what your body feels
and what your eyes see,
your ears hear,
or your heart expects

confusion transpires
when your mind frantically searches for words
to match feelings
that are hidden
beneath mountains
of granite formed
to safeguard them
from destruction

confusion materializes
when the crush of humiliation
and denial
conspire to impose invisibility

confusion happens
when the tender offer of a child’s love
is exploited, squandered and discarded

(((((((( sister ))))))))

OH MY GOODNESS. How that touches me in ways that I can't explain...with an accuracy that cries much.

KD