Disappearing

I've been fighting Steven for control for weeks now. He's got smarts, but he's a SOB. I know I can get us help, but we'd go back to the old days running. He's stronger than me. He gets the job done, but we've also ended up in the worst spots due to his emotionless ways. That means my tenure here would be gone, like I mattered anyways. Maybe I might be let out every now and then, but I don't know. He's pretty strong. I'm saddened. I'm the compassionate one. He has the blank stare. He doesn't laugh. He's so centraled, he can be quite cold. I'm getting tired of fighting him all the time. Through him other meaner ones come through. I'm not in charge of that. I just feel bad for the system in the long run. I'm going to fight this till I'm done.

Dear AlwaysChanging2,

I know exactly how you feel in regards to fighting to keep your identity. I too have an alter who I feel I'm fighting for control with. My alter is also stronger than me. She has more self confidence than I do, but she too lacks empathy. She is brash and uncaring, and she has ruined many of my close relationships over the years. She recently has been growing stronger, and she has been sabotaging my attempts to get help, and she is trying to drive me crazy. Why on earth would someone try to drive themselves crazy?! I think in my case, the crazier I feel the more I get stressed out. And when I get stressed I use disassociation as my coping mechanism. And the more I disassociate, the stronger SHE gets. Sneaky Jen knows what's she's doing!! LOL. I'm making this sound silly, but the truth is it's a serious problem. I'm brand new to this forum, and it's so nice to hear other people are going through very similar situations.

Stay strong!! I think it's better to be "weak" and have compassion, because without our hearts, we are nothing at all.

Thanks. I'm sorry that you have an inner struggle that is life threatening. It was recent that I've came out of denial about having alters even though I've known their names all my life. Not to mean they didn't come up, the system just refused to acknowledge us. Back when I was 18 we verbally said its not real just to feel better about myself in a teenage kind of way, but we always did what we do. It's so nice being recognized now. We used to be in self destruct and we all did what we want how we want, but now we all have agreed (most of us, took a vote) to better the body. It does good we does good.
Maybe you can come to an understanding with your others? Make rules?

I switch between Steven and I constantly all day because I'm the one with feelings and he's the heartless drive. Your right, last night I drank a little bit and the fight was on! We'll see what today brings