[Terumi]

Hello! I'm new here, and also new to dissociation.
I'm 16 years old, and currently studying for my A-Levels. I had my first ever CAMHS appointment the other day. I told the psychiatrist almost everything that has been going on recently. This mainly includes (though I can't remember exactly):

• Hallucinations. They have been happening over the past two years from shadowy cats and figures (eg I once saw a man in period costume dancing in my kitchen), to more sinister things recently (such as a skeletal figure flashing in my mobile when I locked it where my reflection should have been, and a shadowy mass with an arm and a knife coming out of it on another occassion) to much more realistic things such as seeing locked doors opening and seeing real materialised people only for them to vanish.
• Depression.
• Anxiety.
• How the anxiety tends to arrive in a change of scenery or timetable, and when I'm alone outside of school without anyone for protection.
• Auditory hallucinations. This is becoming especially prominent recently. It used to be more external, like somebody whispering in my ear, and also animals, as in growls and the like, but now it is more internal, like dialogue in my head that is kind of like when you think someting, but it's not my thought, it is unpredictable and I can sometimes converse with the voice. Recently it tends to be a demonic voice that I tend to associate with the skeletal figure. I used to feel like I was being followed by this skeleton (I've also had nightmares) , but those feelings have been reduced. This voice demands things that I don't want to mention.
  
  
• My current obsession with a character from the BlazBlue series, Hazama/Yuuki Terumi, and how he is an odd character for me to feel some kind of 'connection' to because he is the complete opposite to how people usually see me. I for some reason started almost copying him, his confidence etc., especially when anxious. I almost check what he is saying against myself- it feels like Hazama is a part of me inside that doesn't get to come out often. It's difficult to explain.
• Delusions- this is a new one for me and I'm finding it really scary, especially with how vulnerable I am. For example, thinking that somebody hasn't showed up and has had something bad happen to them because I didn't do something/because I said something/said too much. Also things such as thinking that my tonsillitis spray is poisoned, and that Hazama will be erased from the game if I go on BlazBlue. It's almost like a random thought that occurs for no reason with no evidence.
• I always excessively daydream and space out.
• I have multiple thoughts at once, like I could be thinking about one thing, and then suddenly there's another thought/several at one time. It also gives me a kind of 'pressured headache' feeling in my head.
• I don't really feel like 'me' anymore. It is very scary to me, and I don't really know where the 'me' from before is and I feel that I lost her probably around year 10. But then, relating to the thoughts thing, when I'm thinking about that, there's some other thought that says ''well, I think the you now is more 'you'''. And then those two conflicting thoughts often start arguing about it in a way, and I feel like piggy in the middle. I'm always really indecisive about everything, even when it comes to relationships (which I have great difficulting maintaining, especially if I'm not seeing someone often, I tend to get absorbed in my 'own world') because it feels like I have parts that are so divided and conflicted in what they want.
• Literally, it feels like I'm swimming in a sea of thoughts and I don't know which are mine and which aren't. It's very confusing to me and I don't really know what to do. I feel like I'm always second guessing myself, and my mind just feels like sludge because there's so much going on that I don't even know where I stand at this point. I just feel like I'm in my own reality, I feel detached to the world and everyone else in a sense.
• I can't ever seem to sit still. One of the worst problems with this is the fact that I rock backwards and forwards- at home I do it on my chair almost continually and it's dented the floor. I do it at school now and I've been getting comments about it from others.
  
• Sometimes I'm so detached from what I'm doing/what others are doing that I'm so absorbed and I don't even realise that people are talking to me.
• With the Hazama thing, it's very confusing to me. I feel like he's a part of me, but not a part of me, or whatever I am at this point. I know it's very confusing. And the thing is, I actually have a friend who tends to see more of the Hazama-y me, that appears to only her and one other person really in person, but when he's not out it feels like he's 'gone' if that makes sense. I turn back to the default that people usually see, but that feels like a front.
• I feel like my personality is very fragmented, leading on from that. I also tend to space out, A LOT, and that's really bad now that I'm at a-levels.
  
• I didn't tell her this, but it feels like there's something 'living inside' me. I literally feel like I'm drowning in a sea of thoughts. I definitely feel like a puppet, I feel like I'm loosing control and that there's loads of different puppeteers in my mind. I also keep having really odd random imagery in my mind of some sort of hairless dog-like creature coming out of a cave when I get depressed, and I keep getting really disturbing images in my mind as I'm trying to sleep... I'm terrified. Really terrified, I don't feel in control anymore and A-Levels and trying to concentrate whilst constantly spacing out is killing me...

At the end of the appointment, she told us what she thinks is wrong, and she said it might be some kind of dissociation. I'd never heard of that before, so I researched, and a lot of it sounds like me, but... a lot doesn't. I don't really know where I stand.

So, whilst I've still got the energy to do this, I've got some questions related to dissociation:

1. I'd just like some general advice on the above- does it fit with dissociation? Which type does it most fit with? If so, is there any way to temporarily try to deal with it more whilst I'm studying? I'm currently awaiting my report, and we're going to take action with CAMHS from there.

2. What about the alters in DID? I read somewhere that alters become much more developed as the host enters adulthood, is this true? If so, do the mixed thoughts and sludgy mind feeling turn into alters as they become more defined? What is alter development like?

3. If I am developing some kind of DID, is it possible for a section of my fragmented personality or undeveloped alters to have felt that they didn't have an identity as such, and therefore taken on Hazama's identity? Has anybody else's alter ever taken the form of a fictional character?

I think that's about it. Any help is greatly appreciated. I'm not sure if I'll have put this in the correct section, if I haven't, I'm sorry. I'm also sorry if I didn't make myself clear enough- if any clarification is needed, please say. I'm not used to talking about how I feel and right now it is very difficult for me to describe it. Again, I'm just looking for a second opinion and some clarification, so any help would be really appreciated.

Thanks,

Terumi.

[healingme4me]

Hi Terumi,

Welcome to PC!

Hope you find this community as warm and supportive, as I have.

If you have any questions or concerns, don't hesitate to ask any of the Community Liasons for help and gentle board guidance.

[finding_my_way]

Originally Posted by Terumi

Hello! I'm new here, and also new to dissociation.
I'm 16 years old, and currently studying for my A-Levels. I had my first ever CAMHS appointment the other day. I told the psychiatrist almost everything that has been going on recently. This mainly includes (though I can't remember exactly):

• Hallucinations. They have been happening over the past two years from shadowy cats and figures (eg I once saw a man in period costume dancing in my kitchen), to more sinister things recently (such as a skeletal figure flashing in my mobile when I locked it where my reflection should have been, and a shadowy mass with an arm and a knife coming out of it on another occassion) to much more realistic things such as seeing locked doors opening and seeing real materialised people only for them to vanish.
• Depression.
• Anxiety.
• How the anxiety tends to arrive in a change of scenery or timetable, and when I'm alone outside of school without anyone for protection.
• Auditory hallucinations. This is becoming especially prominent recently. It used to be more external, like somebody whispering in my ear, and also animals, as in growls and the like, but now it is more internal, like dialogue in my head that is kind of like when you think someting, but it's not my thought, it is unpredictable and I can sometimes converse with the voice. Recently it tends to be a demonic voice that I tend to associate with the skeletal figure. I used to feel like I was being followed by this skeleton (I've also had nightmares) , but those feelings have been reduced. This voice demands things that I don't want to mention.
  
  
• My current obsession with a character from the BlazBlue series, Hazama/Yuuki Terumi, and how he is an odd character for me to feel some kind of 'connection' to because he is the complete opposite to how people usually see me. I for some reason started almost copying him, his confidence etc., especially when anxious. I almost check what he is saying against myself- it feels like Hazama is a part of me inside that doesn't get to come out often. It's difficult to explain.
• Delusions- this is a new one for me and I'm finding it really scary, especially with how vulnerable I am. For example, thinking that somebody hasn't showed up and has had something bad happen to them because I didn't do something/because I said something/said too much. Also things such as thinking that my tonsillitis spray is poisoned, and that Hazama will be erased from the game if I go on BlazBlue. It's almost like a random thought that occurs for no reason with no evidence.
• I always excessively daydream and space out.
• I have multiple thoughts at once, like I could be thinking about one thing, and then suddenly there's another thought/several at one time. It also gives me a kind of 'pressured headache' feeling in my head.
• I don't really feel like 'me' anymore. It is very scary to me, and I don't really know where the 'me' from before is and I feel that I lost her probably around year 10. But then, relating to the thoughts thing, when I'm thinking about that, there's some other thought that says ''well, I think the you now is more 'you'''. And then those two conflicting thoughts often start arguing about it in a way, and I feel like piggy in the middle. I'm always really indecisive about everything, even when it comes to relationships (which I have great difficulting maintaining, especially if I'm not seeing someone often, I tend to get absorbed in my 'own world') because it feels like I have parts that are so divided and conflicted in what they want.
• Literally, it feels like I'm swimming in a sea of thoughts and I don't know which are mine and which aren't. It's very confusing to me and I don't really know what to do. I feel like I'm always second guessing myself, and my mind just feels like sludge because there's so much going on that I don't even know where I stand at this point. I just feel like I'm in my own reality, I feel detached to the world and everyone else in a sense.
• I can't ever seem to sit still. One of the worst problems with this is the fact that I rock backwards and forwards- at home I do it on my chair almost continually and it's dented the floor. I do it at school now and I've been getting comments about it from others.
  
• Sometimes I'm so detached from what I'm doing/what others are doing that I'm so absorbed and I don't even realise that people are talking to me.
• With the Hazama thing, it's very confusing to me. I feel like he's a part of me, but not a part of me, or whatever I am at this point. I know it's very confusing. And the thing is, I actually have a friend who tends to see more of the Hazama-y me, that appears to only her and one other person really in person, but when he's not out it feels like he's 'gone' if that makes sense. I turn back to the default that people usually see, but that feels like a front.
• I feel like my personality is very fragmented, leading on from that. I also tend to space out, A LOT, and that's really bad now that I'm at a-levels.
  
• I didn't tell her this, but it feels like there's something 'living inside' me. I literally feel like I'm drowning in a sea of thoughts. I definitely feel like a puppet, I feel like I'm loosing control and that there's loads of different puppeteers in my mind. I also keep having really odd random imagery in my mind of some sort of hairless dog-like creature coming out of a cave when I get depressed, and I keep getting really disturbing images in my mind as I'm trying to sleep... I'm terrified. Really terrified, I don't feel in control anymore and A-Levels and trying to concentrate whilst constantly spacing out is killing me...

At the end of the appointment, she told us what she thinks is wrong, and she said it might be some kind of dissociation. I'd never heard of that before, so I researched, and a lot of it sounds like me, but... a lot doesn't. I don't really know where I stand.

So, whilst I've still got the energy to do this, I've got some questions related to dissociation:

1. I'd just like some general advice on the above- does it fit with dissociation? Which type does it most fit with? If so, is there any way to temporarily try to deal with it more whilst I'm studying? I'm currently awaiting my report, and we're going to take action with CAMHS from there.

2. What about the alters in DID? I read somewhere that alters become much more developed as the host enters adulthood, is this true? If so, do the mixed thoughts and sludgy mind feeling turn into alters as they become more defined? What is alter development like?

3. If I am developing some kind of DID, is it possible for a section of my fragmented personality or undeveloped alters to have felt that they didn't have an identity as such, and therefore taken on Hazama's identity? Has anybody else's alter ever taken the form of a fictional character?

I think that's about it. Any help is greatly appreciated. I'm not sure if I'll have put this in the correct section, if I haven't, I'm sorry. I'm also sorry if I didn't make myself clear enough- if any clarification is needed, please say. I'm not used to talking about how I feel and right now it is very difficult for me to describe it. Again, I'm just looking for a second opinion and some clarification, so any help would be really appreciated.

Thanks,

Terumi.

Hi. it is very confusing with mental health issues because things can really overlap a lot. i started having hallucinations, hearing voices, knowing other parts of me existed in early childhood. so, for me, i always knew they existed, but it wasn't until my early teen years it got a lot messier for me where some of what you said about having conflicting thoughts/inner voices, not being able to separate yourself from them, etc. happen or external voices/noises, etc.

at the same time, while some of that could be dissociation, there could also be a degree of psychosis involved, but not so much maybe like schizophrenia. some of it also could be a degree of OCD...i say all of that because those are similar things i experienced and came to kind of realize for myself since things overlapped and things did change for me too over time.

i would definitely stick with a therapist though since they can offer more advice and do actual testing (questionnaires, etc.). they could also help you with grounding techniques if you find you zone out a lot too.

it is hard for sure to say what it is for you since like i said, things can overlap. so it's best to get a professional opinion too for sure just so you don't have the wrong diagnosis potentially and not be given the proper treatment for it.

each person differs with their dissociation/DID and alters, etc. some do have fictional characters, animals, inanimate objects, and more. so, i don't think there is one set way they even are or develop.

it is thought that most with DID develop it before the age of 10 though due to trauma, mostly prolonged traumas, repeat traumas, etc. of varying degrees.

if you have had trauma, i'd also look into working with a trauma specialist no matter what your diagnosis is though.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by Terumi

Hello! I'm new here, and also new to dissociation.
I'm 16 years old, and currently studying for my A-Levels. I had my first ever CAMHS appointment the other day. I told the psychiatrist almost everything that has been going on recently. This mainly includes (though I can't remember exactly):

• Hallucinations. They have been happening over the past two years from shadowy cats and figures (eg I once saw a man in period costume dancing in my kitchen), to more sinister things recently (such as a skeletal figure flashing in my mobile when I locked it where my reflection should have been, and a shadowy mass with an arm and a knife coming out of it on another occassion) to much more realistic things such as seeing locked doors opening and seeing real materialised people only for them to vanish.
• Depression.
• Anxiety.
• How the anxiety tends to arrive in a change of scenery or timetable, and when I'm alone outside of school without anyone for protection.
• Auditory hallucinations. This is becoming especially prominent recently. It used to be more external, like somebody whispering in my ear, and also animals, as in growls and the like, but now it is more internal, like dialogue in my head that is kind of like when you think someting, but it's not my thought, it is unpredictable and I can sometimes converse with the voice. Recently it tends to be a demonic voice that I tend to associate with the skeletal figure. I used to feel like I was being followed by this skeleton (I've also had nightmares) , but those feelings have been reduced. This voice demands things that I don't want to mention.
• My current obsession with a character from the BlazBlue series, Hazama/Yuuki Terumi, and how he is an odd character for me to feel some kind of 'connection' to because he is the complete opposite to how people usually see me. I for some reason started almost copying him, his confidence etc., especially when anxious. I almost check what he is saying against myself- it feels like Hazama is a part of me inside that doesn't get to come out often. It's difficult to explain.
• Delusions- this is a new one for me and I'm finding it really scary, especially with how vulnerable I am. For example, thinking that somebody hasn't showed up and has had something bad happen to them because I didn't do something/because I said something/said too much. Also things such as thinking that my tonsillitis spray is poisoned, and that Hazama will be erased from the game if I go on BlazBlue. It's almost like a random thought that occurs for no reason with no evidence.
• I always excessively daydream and space out.
• I have multiple thoughts at once, like I could be thinking about one thing, and then suddenly there's another thought/several at one time. It also gives me a kind of 'pressured headache' feeling in my head.
• I don't really feel like 'me' anymore. It is very scary to me, and I don't really know where the 'me' from before is and I feel that I lost her probably around year 10. But then, relating to the thoughts thing, when I'm thinking about that, there's some other thought that says ''well, I think the you now is more 'you'''. And then those two conflicting thoughts often start arguing about it in a way, and I feel like piggy in the middle. I'm always really indecisive about everything, even when it comes to relationships (which I have great difficulting maintaining, especially if I'm not seeing someone often, I tend to get absorbed in my 'own world') because it feels like I have parts that are so divided and conflicted in what they want.
• Literally, it feels like I'm swimming in a sea of thoughts and I don't know which are mine and which aren't. It's very confusing to me and I don't really know what to do. I feel like I'm always second guessing myself, and my mind just feels like sludge because there's so much going on that I don't even know where I stand at this point. I just feel like I'm in my own reality, I feel detached to the world and everyone else in a sense.
• I can't ever seem to sit still. One of the worst problems with this is the fact that I rock backwards and forwards- at home I do it on my chair almost continually and it's dented the floor. I do it at school now and I've been getting comments about it from others.
• Sometimes I'm so detached from what I'm doing/what others are doing that I'm so absorbed and I don't even realise that people are talking to me.
• With the Hazama thing, it's very confusing to me. I feel like he's a part of me, but not a part of me, or whatever I am at this point. I know it's very confusing. And the thing is, I actually have a friend who tends to see more of the Hazama-y me, that appears to only her and one other person really in person, but when he's not out it feels like he's 'gone' if that makes sense. I turn back to the default that people usually see, but that feels like a front.
• I feel like my personality is very fragmented, leading on from that. I also tend to space out, A LOT, and that's really bad now that I'm at a-levels.
• I didn't tell her this, but it feels like there's something 'living inside' me. I literally feel like I'm drowning in a sea of thoughts. I definitely feel like a puppet, I feel like I'm loosing control and that there's loads of different puppeteers in my mind. I also keep having really odd random imagery in my mind of some sort of hairless dog-like creature coming out of a cave when I get depressed, and I keep getting really disturbing images in my mind as I'm trying to sleep... I'm terrified. Really terrified, I don't feel in control anymore and A-Levels and trying to concentrate whilst constantly spacing out is killing me...

At the end of the appointment, she told us what she thinks is wrong, and she said it might be some kind of dissociation. I'd never heard of that before, so I researched, and a lot of it sounds like me, but... a lot doesn't. I don't really know where I stand.

So, whilst I've still got the energy to do this, I've got some questions related to dissociation:

1. I'd just like some general advice on the above- does it fit with dissociation? Which type does it most fit with? If so, is there any way to temporarily try to deal with it more whilst I'm studying? I'm currently awaiting my report, and we're going to take action with CAMHS from there.

2. What about the alters in DID? I read somewhere that alters become much more developed as the host enters adulthood, is this true? If so, do the mixed thoughts and sludgy mind feeling turn into alters as they become more defined? What is alter development like?

3. If I am developing some kind of DID, is it possible for a section of my fragmented personality or undeveloped alters to have felt that they didn't have an identity as such, and therefore taken on Hazama's identity? Has anybody else's alter ever taken the form of a fictional character?

I think that's about it. Any help is greatly appreciated. I'm not sure if I'll have put this in the correct section, if I haven't, I'm sorry. I'm also sorry if I didn't make myself clear enough- if any clarification is needed, please say. I'm not used to talking about how I feel and right now it is very difficult for me to describe it. Again, I'm just looking for a second opinion and some clarification, so any help would be really appreciated.

Thanks,

Terumi.

I think it is good that your doctor is open to the possibility of dissociation. I also think it would be good for you to have a complete physical to make certain there aren't physical causes for some of your thoughts and visions. Another possibility may be medication. If you have had a change in medication or an increase in the dosage some of what you describe may be related to that. This is a question you can ask you physician and your psychiatrist. Sometimes as we get older our body chemestry may have slight changes which may also effect the medication being taken. Just some things to think about. It is good to see that you are open to talking about yourself. And that you are willing to ask questions. Take care.

[amandalouise]

Terumi....

one thing you need to understand before I try to answer your questions....each location /country has their own standards for what is and inst dissociative disorders. I am in the USA not the UK (your profile says you are in leeds).

I will try to give you some general information hopefully at your level (teenager)...

in general dissociation is a cover word for lots of things like feeling numb, spaced out, day dreaming, feeling like you are not connected to your self or your environment (people places and things around you).

now this thing called dissociation is like walking along a road for a bit the road is straight then the road branches off into many different directions... the lowest one (the beginning of the road straight ahead ) is normal dissociation that every human being going through. then there are many dissociative disorders (kind of like side roads off from the normal path).

you can find out what dissociative disorders we have here in the USA in the link at the bottom of my post (signature line) your location may have different ones then we have.

here in the USA each mental disorder has a set in stone set of criteria (sort of like rules) of what is and isnt dissociation. everyone has their own set of ....symptoms...but everyone has to meet the same diagnostic rules to be called each of the mental disorders.

thats the short and sweet version to some of your questions....in general....to get more answers that are more focused on your situation you will need to talk with your psychiatrist.

now for the alters part of your questions....here in America treatment providers go according to the belief that DID type alters are created in very early childhood (the demographics here in new york were I am is under 5 years of age) how many and what those alters do depend upon how each persons internal system is set up to ensure that persons survival. some aters are stuck in time where they dont grow or change beyond the moment that they were created and others grow/change/evolve. each persons alters are different that way. how and when and whether an alter has the ability to grow/change/evolve depends on many different factors such as the persons cultural background, the trauma they went through, what was needed in order for the person to survive.

Again I cant say whether you have alters or not and what kinds only your psychiatrist can say that. what I can say is that here in america we have special tests to find that out. maybe you can as your psychiatrist for some tests too and ask your psychiatrist whether you have alters or not.

your question of what if you develop DID now well DID doesnt develop like at age 16. if you have DID its something that has been there since before you even started kindergarten.(According to USA mental health statistics on known cases of DID) its not something that just appears when you are a teen ager like a pimple.

as for who and what the alters are again that depends on many factors like what type of trauma, the persons cultural background, what that person needed in order to survive that trauma....gosh there are so many different factors that come together to determine what and how that alter was created, what their jobs, purposes, reasons for being was. only you and your treatment providers can answer whether those things you posted could happen with you.

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central (PC) Terumi. I am so sorry you are suffering from dissociative episodes. There are other people that have found ways of coping with dissociation. One point I hear often is to choose a therapist that specializes in dissociative disorders and can prescribe meds that help stabilize the situation.

PC has helped me find other people that can empathize with me and help provide insights and info. Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems though still there are more manageable.

Glad you are joining us here. There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central.

Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

Hi Terumi, welcome to PC sweety!

My best guess would be to let your mental health care professional keep working with you.

One can have a dual or more diagnosis. I'm also bipolar and have a few of those other symptoms. My bipolarism overrides everything else so I'm sure of it.

Command voices are indicitive of skitzoaffective disorder which would cover the mood swings also, but I'm not a doctor.

Alters though, can have their own MI, so it's a big fruit salad to begin with.

I hope that you find the answers that you are seeking.