Depersonalization/Derealization/HPPD

(I'm 19)I just got clean off opiates, my body's doing alright i've passed the withdrawals but man is my head a mess. I increased my klonapin dosage a lot too, but i'm still jittery. i'm 7 days clean with a relapse on day 5, and yesterday soo i guess i'm not 7 days clean haha. But i'm not addicted at the mom i've surpassed the hellsome withdrawls for the most part. Anyways, considering this isn't a substance abuse form i just wanna talk about my symptoms and what i believe is my dx (almost positive) the mental healthcare system is an absolute mess.. They just put on there mood disorder and give me anti-psychotics considering i'm suicidal, hallucinating, and freaking out in general. I've a handful of psychedelics, mostly LSD (6-7 times) shrooms a couple times and i have a family history of mental disorders, schizophrenia being one of them. But yeah how am i supposed to fight depression if i don't think much of the world or life itself? if my dog's quality of life is poor then i would put him down, no reason mental health care shouldn't be the same imo. the only reason i haven't done it is b/c i have an amazing family that i don't want to hurt. but if i go ill be gone, i wont be in same fantasy called heaven or hell, i mean i think the possibilities are literally endless when we die. I only have metaphysical perspectives when it comes to the afterlife, and frankly i'm willing to take a leap of faith and say it's better than this hell hole i'm living in called "life" which of course i 'm unsure of what life is. I've told my docs i think i have the disorders i've stated, except for HPPD (Hallucinogen persisting perception disorder) i got smart and figured out that DP and DR replicate HPPD pretty well, however i'm not smart for withholding the info of psychedelic use. I guess it's just if i go down i don't want it to be because i ****ed my life up using a drug, a drug that i've stopped using for almost a year. I'm depressed, i want to die. Yeah yeah yeah i'll see better days and **** but with DP you really don't think much of life, it's not a big deal to me, it's not worth the process. I've seen the beauty of life, it's amazing. Using opiates and meditating and practicing zen buddhism. Life comes and goes, i'm over the ups and downs, the possibility of me recovering and having a wonderful life is there, but i dont care. There might be something pretty in the future but so what, i've hated life. Drug's obviously play a big factor. after writing this i'm probably gonna go relapse, i may have the strength to get clean, i mean **** i overcame opiate withdraws for the most part at least. i know yall gonna say i relasped and it hasn't been enough time but **** it, things can either somehow workout, but the way i see right now is life is ****, i wanna end it with the love of my life, euphoria, happiness, peace.
its a long one i know i didn't really ask questions but no doctor or anyone has ever given me the slightest input on these disorders so if you know something it may mean a lot. I'm not about to go gap myself right now, just relapse, get high until i hit bottom and then yeah...
if you read all this i appreciate you (:

I didnt read your whole post but what I does j ump out at me is that you have an extensive past and present drug use.... if you are here in the USA the use of drugs and its side effects have to be ruled out before a diagnosis of dissociation problems are ruled in. This is because drugs such as what you listed can cause the same symptoms as dissociative problems. the only way to know which the symptoms come from is when a person has been clean/sober for so much time (usually its 6 months to a year of no drugs. that way the human body can heal a bit and the problems associated with the drug use can lessen some what. sometimes a person who uses drugs are left with residual side effects that may never go away )

my point theres probably nothing that can be done until you have gotten clean and stay that way for a while. that way you might be able to go through the diagnostics to find out what if any mental or physical health problems you have that may be or may not be related to your extensive drug use.

my suggestion contact a treatment provider in your location. they can help you get clean with out a lot of the debilitating withdrawals and other symptoms. they can also get you into special programs for people with a history of drug use so that you will have a better success rate without all the relapses. many are free programs like AA, NA and others.

Umm Hun, I'm so like you was 30 years ago. I compounded my problems through the use and abuse of every illicit drugs to escape the fact I would've done better being dead then dealing with the aftermath of my first 18 years of my life fom hell.

It's an illusion, an escape to dealing with the crazy that's really happening. If you make it to 40, then you just might see. I woke up and still was alive...oh well, let's get it right.

I hope you find what drives you because it's out to destroy you, but this is only because we were programmed that way, genetically or by RA. Screw that. You can change the scenery. Sure we are handicapped, but so what, it's just a thing.

Good luck.