sharing my experience with DID

Before you read this, know that my experience with Dissociative Identity Disorder is very different than most people's. Please don't doubt that I have the disorder. I've been seeing my therapist for almost two years now, we've worked out the diagnosis, and it's solid.

I'm writing this specifically because it is so different from most people's experiences. I'd like to talk about it, in some way, and I also think that I'm not much help to others because of the differences.

I don't have multiple personalities. I don't have alters. I am always me. I am always one person.

But I act out different ways of being. I get caught up in the idea of being this way or that way--being gentle or being a fighter or being a bookworm or being a quiet person or being an extrovert--and I try to make myself fit that description. It feels like I am the same person, but I am living a "double life."

I don't have a core identity to rely on. I have parts of me that pursue different interests and feel different emotions. I am always one person, and I'm aware of my different ways of being, but I can't integrate them into one idea of self. I alternate from one version of myself to another--usually at least once per day.

I also never see myself in my head the way I see myself in a mirror. I don't see that person. I usually have no image of a physical self at all. It hurts me to say my name. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be who I see in the mirror. I have no pictures of myself, and I never have (I'm 26 now.) When I was living with my parents, I would turn pictures around or hide them.

I hate my body and the person I'm supposed to be. That person's history is dark, and I feel like that person lacks good qualities. I prevent myself from being that person by dissociating and by acting out these different concepts of what I think I should be. They keep me in the present so I don't remember the past, so I don't have to look at myself in the mirror and see that person. I hate that person. I wish so much that I was someone else. I wish for that every single day. Over and over and over again.

My different ways of being are a defense against my memory, against the way I see myself in the mirror, and against the qualities I see in that person. I am not multiple people or multiple personalities. My parts don't have names. I don't have alters. I am very complex, and this is (part of) my story.

As far as I can tell, everyone's system is different. Glad to hear from you. Do you experience missing memories from these changes as well?

thanks for sharing your experience, and i hope you'll be able to talk more about this.

hugs

I'm missing large chunks of my childhood. I definitely can't remember most of the traumatic experiences. I don't remember most of my life before leaving for college 8 years ago.

When I'm trying to act out a particular identity, it's like I selectively remember only things that reinforce that identity. If I succeed in recalling other events, I lose the commitment to that identity and feel more integrated.

Like "always changing " said, everyone's system is different. I go by the name Georgia. I am 50 yrs. old. I have only recently been diagnosed with D.I.D. and I am also having trouble because the way my system manifests the symptoms isn't like what I've heard or read . My therapist doesn't understand it either. Though I don't rightly know your experience of D.I.D. it does seem somewhat similar to mine. I see that my behaviors/opinions/the different ways my voice sounds are quite different, but to me those experiences are not multiples at all. Trained people see it that way; I do not. Recently, however, different alters have presented themselves to me... and they really are like completely different people than myself. For some reason one of the alters told the others to back off ( basically telling them to go back into hiding, it seemed to me ). They, for the most part have disappeared... life has returned to the way it was. I do sometimes experience some of the younger ones, but, cruel as it is ( I guess), I just brush them off. I think that part has something to do with denial or something. Point is for most of my life, to me, I had no alters... just a long stream of different ways of being. I do know they do exist separate from "myself" now though. That's what is happening to me. The disorder has moved through many stages over the years. Take it easy on yourself. Bye.

welcome
nobody has any right to tell you that your experiences arent "right" or dont fit "the criteria" so you wont hear that here! our system and how it came to be most likely would shock anyone who heard about it so please dont feel like you have to apologize or defend yours we dont anymore♥♥♥

I can definitely relate to the, wow I don't think my story is like anyone else's either. .....In fact, I went on search to see if I could find someone like me something close to similar. I think we all going through that depending on what happened with our experiences. Feeling unloved, not wanted, insecure, invalidate or what have you....I think it is the nature of the beast, if that is okay to say. I think we all go through denial or wanting to keep this protective layer around our sanity, because explaining the complexities is just horrifying to think about. I think places like these are good and safe to unpack your experiences if you want to and you might be surprised at who is similar. I have my days where no one can tell that I have a major mental illness. Then there are days depending on who I keep my company with that can definitely notice. Dissociative Identity Disorder is a very personal struggle, a club in fact really sacred, which has been hurt by the sensationalize of how Hollywood depicts it, which is ashamed. Welcome to site !

Okay, thank you. I'm coming to grips with my memory problems, too. I like to hear how everyone's system is made up and how it affects them, it helps me accept my condition. Also, this condition fascinates me even though I'm an unwilling participant. I too has made it to 47, kinda knew at 15 but wanted to make it unreal in denial, like I'd get any help then, just more trauma. Anyways, I've glad that you are receiving help through a T.

Welcome to PC!

I'm a member of another forum else where (no names) but they all act like they are the elites and have the final say on this condition! lol

I can see where you've come across judgmental people. We're not like that here. MOF, I'm about to delete them because their attitude is so much stick in the mud....oops, I'm being judgmental! Lol

Sorry!

Having a major mental illness is not ever anything that was in my set of expectations for life. DID can be so hidden to outsiders, but incredibly painful to the system. I am at a total loss when considering explaining it to anyone, but my partner or very closest friends.

thanks for sharing, that is a very unique way of having DID....

A few things...here in my location what you described would be called OSDD (other Specified Dissociative Disorder) which is like having DID (having the mood switching, memory problems and such but with out having the severity of alternate personalities taking control and other major disruptions that having alternate personalities (your term multiple personalities) taking control. (not doubting your diagnosis, just stating what you posted would be here in my location)

Another thought there is a special system combination that some people with DID have where they have very limited co consciousness. (example me) where they know they are switching into various states of mind/mood swings but are not aware that they have alternate personalities under the surface switching. that the ways of being that I was aware of were in technical terms alternate personalities in my location. it was a definite shock to find out what I was perceiving me just being other ways was DID and those were alternate personalities and that I had more defined or as the diagnostics for DID call it "two or more distinct personality states" (in my case there were more than two under the surface that I did not know about.)

anyway my point it you are not alone, there are many people with DID and OSDD who do not perceive their self to have alters.

The tricky thing is that psychological diagnoses are subjective. There are assessments and screenings, but there are no hard tests of the brain like there are blood tests, etc in conventional medicine.

I'm also from the US.

Unfortunately, the explanations of an illness can very from therapist to therapist. However, the more common an illness, the more consistency there is among professionals.

If they're subjective, then are these conditions even real? I think the assessments and empirical evidence, like a person with bipolar stopping medicine and becoming sick, would not be considered subjective. Certainly, a person's behavior and self reports are open to interpretation.

In some cultures, DID might be considered soul loss and attended to with shamanism.

There are not yet physiological tests, but I think that's because we really know very little about the brain. There are assessments that can be repeated by different practitioners.

Actually dissociation does show up on tests of the brain. when someone dissociates they have a different shading on the tests that designate alpha waves (consciousness is relaxed and unconscious more active dissociation happens on an unconscious level) beta waves are conscious aware electrical impulses that show up when a person is not in a altered state of mind. when a person is being diagnosed with DID they have to now go through physical tests to rule out seizure disorders and other medical problems that can cause the symptoms. so they look at various electrical impulses (alpha waves, beta waves) and the rates at which they are firing, whether they are dissociative seizure disorder type or other. short version someone who is in an altered \dissociative state of mind has a slower and abnormal alpha wave.

you can find out more information on how the brain works, the various tests for brain activity and dissociation by doing google searches on things like ...brain waves and dissociation...how the brain works....the brain...EEG (electroencephalogram)

This doesn't match what I've experienced. I haven't had to go through this kind of testing.

I haven't had any testing (other than net-tests I put myself through) either.

I like the theory that some bloke wrote about 'the proof is in the pudding' - that treating DID is apparently quite different from treating non DID clients. So if you think your client is DID, and you treat them for DID, and they improve and respond positively - then the proof is in the pudding.

That sounds so familiar. I new when I was 15 that I had others, but we elected to hide it to not be weird. I forgot about others, but I was aware of the switches because I can feel it. I got to call it a "different frame of mind"...imagine that. Now I'm 47 and everyone wants recognition.

I'm aware of others as they are, and as we switch, the other fades away. What alter's do during their time out is a mystery.

if you did not present with saying statements like I have seizures or it feels like Im having seizures that may be why you didnt go through the MRI's and EEG's, diagnosis testing goes according to what each persons symptoms are...example if you stated my arm hurts then you would have been evaluated for broken bones sprains and such to rule out those physical symptoms. if you stated my stomach hurt you when you switch,you would have had an ultrasound and such to rule out physical symptoms there. since your DID didnt present with things like not remembering things when your alters take control, or black outs, or seizures you didnt get the MRI or EEG scans.

the diagnostics for DID is that the problems cant be caused or explained by other things. so each person goes through what ever physical tests that rule out their physical symptoms. sometimes ruling out physical symptoms is as easy as prescribing a medication.

my point of my post was that yes dissociation does show up on physical tests. it wasnt to disprove or put down how you were diagnosed. my location uses the standard that everyone being diagnosed DID gets an eeg or MRI. these tests alone will trigger someone to dissociate simply because of the noise the machine makes and it shows physical evidence (different brain waves when a person is dissociated.)

each person can find out the diagnosis process of how they rule in or out other diagnosis's for their location to fit the DID diagnostics that the problems cant be because of other problems.\disorders\ drugs alcohol\seizure disorders....

God, I hate to nit pick, but the brain imaging is only imaging. It isn't physiological. Yes, the brain images can change and do change. But the images do not reveal with any specificity the internal, neurological or biochemical processes underlying the changes. The brain imaging is not able to definitively say "this is a DID brain." That's all.