[finding_my_way]

i saw my psychiatrist today. towards the end of it, i mentioned coming on these forums (not the specific one) and was talking about dissociation. she said something about how i probably couldn't relate to those with DID, and i said, actually, i can a lot of things, just not all. that led to a further conversation where i explained that years ago (and from as long as i could remember), i had heard and felt the others and they had their own names, ages, etc. but that i never 100% had a total take over from one. she went on to say that full blown DID where you lose time 100% is still very rare, and what i have are not alters but instead ego states.

in that case, for those who also have never 100% had a take over, do you still have the diagnosis of DID or is it basically the same MINUS that one factor? i feel almost like it doesn't matter 'as much' without that except that it definitely can cause similar struggles/issues overall....but it is very confusing. i suppose that is why they have DDNOS, etc. depending on where you live.

i also was confused because i know years ago i told her about them. i asked if it's possible they could just have integrated. she said anything is possible. i am kind of unsure at this point what it all even means....it's so confusing. does it mean it doesn't exist or something?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by finding_my_way

i saw my psychiatrist today. towards the end of it, i mentioned coming on these forums (not the specific one) and was talking about dissociation. she said something about how i probably couldn't relate to those with DID, and i said, actually, i can a lot of things, just not all. that led to a further conversation where i explained that years ago (and from as long as i could remember), i had heard and felt the others and they had their own names, ages, etc. but that i never 100% had a total take over from one. she went on to say that full blown DID where you lose time 100% is still very rare, and what i have are not alters but instead ego states.

in that case, for those who also have never 100% had a take over, do you still have the diagnosis of DID or is it basically the same MINUS that one factor? i feel almost like it doesn't matter 'as much' without that except that it definitely can cause similar struggles/issues overall....but it is very confusing. i suppose that is why they have DDNOS, etc. depending on where you live.

i also was confused because i know years ago i told her about them. i asked if it's possible they could just have integrated. she said anything is possible. i am kind of unsure at this point what it all even means....it's so confusing. does it mean it doesn't exist or something?

ego states are normal parts of self that every human being has. there is even a therapy approach for this called Transactional Analysis. basic idea is everyone has inner parts...Parent , adult and child parts.

the Parent part of self is the part of self that is very authoritive like some people call it their bossy side because this side of self takes care of everyone just like a parent would and sometimes can get a bit too parental.

the child part of self is those feelings behaviors and emotions that we had in childhood...no care for responsibility, reactive, sometimes like throwing a temper tantrum, sometimes playful, sometimes shy, emotions rule kind of part of self.

the adult part of self is the middle ground between the parent and the child. the voice of reason, logic and stability.

human beings naturally have these three parts of self (ego states) but sometimes these parts of self can get to where instead of working together and being balanced out by each other chaos takes over where someone may switch into these parts of self at the wrong times and wrong places...

example it wouldnt be right for me to be at work and suddenly act out at a co worker by throwing the stapler at her because I didnt like what she was saying. if that happens thats called switching into my child ego state (or in some locations terms my inner child threw a temper tantrum)

the difference well ego states are normal to have and every human being has them, where as alters with DID are different they are not normally there with every human being. according to my locations standards they are created by a very young child (my locations demographics\statistics are under 5 yrs old) who is dissociating while undergoing extreme abuse for which they can not handle.

my suggestion is talk with your treatment provider who is saying you have ego states not DID alters. they will be able to explain more in detail about your ego states, the differences and why they diagnosed you this way.

[finding_my_way]

thanks. i didn't get to go that in depth as it was near the end of our session, but i do plan on talking more about it and how it all has been for me from the start of when i knew about them (very early childhood) until now.

i would have to say even though i am not a professional that i would be in between those two...but if it's more a matter of the alters not taking complete control over my body, it just seems odd to automatically just say they are ego states when there is more to them than just a feeling or two.

i did ask her though if they can disappear for years..and she said anything can happen..so that at least helps with one question i had.

Ego states sounds like they are just different versions of the same person as Amanda described it....they are described by general terms like child, adult, parent...but when there are specifics like ages, names, genders, feel, seperated intelligent thought...

100% DID to me means with an amnesiac barrier...where the parts aren't aware of the existence of another part as they switch. To the parts, time jumps forward which they take for as normal so it's not regarded as an unusual event by the part.

If I had to give myself a percentage...I'd give it like 90-95%- trust me, I had no idea but now it's very obvious. We have complete takeovers....but we are aware....which makes it so weird...our thinking switches staying on topic due to the trigger then it fades away and the next one is up doing their own thing- we know this, caring is another matter according to the part. We know we share a body, so we know the bio and try to adhere to it...our theme....in our own way. We also do have urges and pressures and shout outs.

We experience memory loss when an other goes back in...like the memory and all it's cares are taken away...the next one up is going to experience that, too. Some present memory lingers though, which helps us to be cohesive enough to act like a singleton. But, we are still regarded as having the worlds worse memory that keeps changing their opinion every minute/second.

It seems that people don't want to go there...to the 3 big letters of DID, only as a last resort after all other possible mental disorders have been ruled out years later down the road, or they look at you like you're a faker, hydrochondriac, attention seeking....

Singletons have no idea what a multiple feels like, and visa versa, so they have to do so much before making that call... which makes miss amanda a rare fine.

[finding_my_way]

yeah. see..as the years went on with me, i knew they existed from the time i was young..but as i got older was when i realized more how strange it was..and i think they also changed too as i got older and more came to my awareness..i also believe i wasn't 100% there for a lot of things in childhood (i do have memories of childhood surrounding school, friends, etc., just not a lot about actual things in my home until i was about 11 and things changed again.

there were some minor incidents in childhood i relate to dissociation/hearing them/talking to them etc. but since i was young, i had no idea who they even were then. they were just nice (for the most part).

i played with dolls until i was 11 or so, and i can remember i guess it was me and an alter playing with it or one was..i cannot remember clearly because it was kind of strange..but they were not treating it nice, and then i guess an older one told it that it wouldn't be allowed to play with it anymore if it didn't stop that. so, i am really not sure how much things happened with them when i was younger as it was different, and i was still very dissociated.

into my teen years, things got really weird with it all..i guess i also hit the age where i was more aware of things too and made those connections..but through all those years, i was very dissociated...at that time, i was not 100% me, who i know i am now, and had very active communication with them, seeing them in my head, hearing their distinct voices, knowing who they were based on how they felt (and talked). my head was always very loud for so many years..of course, i had overlapping issues like an eating disorder and anxiety and other things mixed in, so i don't know what degree some of that might have played in some of it too being heightened. but once i got my eating disorder managed, it was like they all went silent for the first time in my life.....and over the last eight years except a few weird things here and there, i haven't heard/felt them much anymore..and i feel like it has changed again where the few i do feel here and there are not the ones i used to know years ago.

saying all this, it does not seem to me they are 'just' ego states as they are way more than 'just' fleeting feelings here and there. i am mostly a baseline numb with the ability to feel joy in certain situations. i also experience some mild depression (probably related to the numbness). i don't seem to have a full range of emotion which i always thought was odd....except in saying that, i used to also feel too much..or so i think it was me..but now i don't know. when i have been blended with many parts over the years, it kind of has confused me about who 'i' am out of it all...so anyway..thanks for your replies and sorry that i probably repeated myself again.

[LostOne369]

I just read something and thought of you:

"Alter identities are sometimes incorrectly referred to as ego states, or even alter egos, but these states exist in people without alters and do not involve amnesia, dissociative symptoms, or clinical distress"

[finding_my_way]

thanks. that makes sense too. i wish it wasn't irritating me so much trying to figure this out..it just kind of makes me feel like by saying they are ego states means they don't really even matter. i'll definitely talk more about it with my psychiatrist though. she is very knowledgeable, i just might not always agree with her lol

Originally Posted by finding_my_way

yeah. see..as the years went on with me, i knew they existed from the time i was young..but as i got older was when i realized more how strange it was..and i think they also changed too as i got older and more came to my awareness..i also believe i wasn't 100% there for a lot of things in childhood (i do have memories of childhood surrounding school, friends, etc., just not a lot about actual things in my home until i was about 11 and things changed again.

there were some minor incidents in childhood i relate to dissociation/hearing them/talking to them etc. but since i was young, i had no idea who they even were then. they were just nice (for the most part).

i played with dolls until i was 11 or so, and i can remember i guess it was me and an alter playing with it or one was..i cannot remember clearly because it was kind of strange..but they were not treating it nice, and then i guess an older one told it that it wouldn't be allowed to play with it anymore if it didn't stop that. so, i am really not sure how much things happened with them when i was younger as it was different, and i was still very dissociated.

into my teen years, things got really weird with it all..i guess i also hit the age where i was more aware of things too and made those connections..but through all those years, i was very dissociated...at that time, i was not 100% me, who i know i am now, and had very active communication with them, seeing them in my head, hearing their distinct voices, knowing who they were based on how they felt (and talked). my head was always very loud for so many years..of course, i had overlapping issues like an eating disorder and anxiety and other things mixed in, so i don't know what degree some of that might have played in some of it too being heightened. but once i got my eating disorder managed, it was like they all went silent for the first time in my life.....and over the last eight years except a few weird things here and there, i haven't heard/felt them much anymore..and i feel like it has changed again where the few i do feel here and there are not the ones i used to know years ago.

saying all this, it does not seem to me they are 'just' ego states as they are way more than 'just' fleeting feelings here and there. i am mostly a baseline numb with the ability to feel joy in certain situations. i also experience some mild depression (probably related to the numbness). i don't seem to have a full range of emotion which i always thought was odd....except in saying that, i used to also feel too much..or so i think it was me..but now i don't know. when i have been blended with many parts over the years, it kind of has confused me about who 'i' am out of it all...so anyway..thanks for your replies and sorry that i probably repeated myself again.

I see, you are trying to figure yourself out. I just went through all that. I still have a few things that I have to just accept "it is what it is". I can see where it would be so difficult when things are so vague, I'm sorry.

We did some soul searching only to discover that "I" is the one up front, that we are a roulette wheel for every day living. Since we came out of system wide denial, it all became clearer for us, or me since I'm one of the few that cares about this stuff.

We are divided on emotions here. Some of us can't feel love, have empathy, be happy, get angry- we have others that hold the emotions, like the Angry One- and boy he's angry. Most of the guys are like that, emotionally stunted and lacking emotions. There's a few that do okay.

I've also have heard about natural integration. I've also heard that once you learn a coping skill, the alter that usually is triggered doesn't appear any longer.

Keep posting and hopefully things will become clearer to you. Hopefully I can help some.

[finding_my_way]

i actually just came across a book that was published in 2009 that explains variations in dissociation that seems very interesting (although a bit expensive). i read a bit of it on google, and it really explains the differences between normal ego states and then the spectrum going up to actual DID and also talks about DDNOS-1, 1a, DDNOS-2...or however it works. it was based on the DSM V.

it is called Dissociation and the Dissociative Disorders: DSM-V and Beyond if anyone else is interested. i definitely am going to get a copy as it would probably help me a lot.

i have read other ones including the stranger in the mirror (the first book i read on dissociation which helped somewhat back then). but that ones sounds incredibly useful.