[finding_my_way]

i thought it might be helpful to put together a timeline of events related to dissociation that i experienced over however many years i've known about it (as an adult anyway). to do that, i was going through years worth of diary entries. since she either was testing me or really forgets things i told her in the past (also confirmed in journal entries i read), i thought it should be done.

i thought at this point i might be able to better deal with it all since the dissociation hasn't been so bad the last few years until the last few weeks anyway.

i was going to put down all the trauma i do remember and the things i am unsure about being real memories or not.

it all ended up triggering me on top of random things not related to it all. i was going through very specific details last night with someone. not the best idea...because i tried for a long time to stop trying to figure out the things i don't remember...and now i am paying for it. it feels like a dark part is punishing me for doing all of that. i think it also did that a few years ago when i was trying to figure things out too. and it tries to scare me and tries to take away the things i do remember or something.

i just so badly need my psychiatrist to understand this all..and i thought a timeline and descriptions of the dissociation, others, and trauma would be the right thing to do. and now i am not sure.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by finding_my_way

i thought it might be helpful to put together a timeline of events related to dissociation that i experienced over however many years i've known about it (as an adult anyway). to do that, i was going through years worth of diary entries. since she either was testing me or really forgets things i told her in the past (also confirmed in journal entries i read), i thought it should be done.

i thought at this point i might be able to better deal with it all since the dissociation hasn't been so bad the last few years until the last few weeks anyway.

i was going to put down all the trauma i do remember and the things i am unsure about being real memories or not.

it all ended up triggering me on top of random things not related to it all. i was going through very specific details last night with someone. not the best idea...because i tried for a long time to stop trying to figure out the things i don't remember...and now i am paying for it. it feels like a dark part is punishing me for doing all of that. i think it also did that a few years ago when i was trying to figure things out too. and it tries to scare me and tries to take away the things i do remember or something.

i just so badly need my psychiatrist to understand this all..and i thought a timeline and descriptions of the dissociation, others, and trauma would be the right thing to do. and now i am not sure.

yes trying to throw together a time line can be hard. rather than trying to put things in a time line order I just showed my therapists my journals. that in itself gave them a time line with out my having to figure it out. it just happened naturally through my journals.

suggestion maybe instead trying to time line it, maybe let your therapists read your journals. that way it wont be so stressful on you feeling like you have to get it in a specific order.

Oooh, that's gotta be hard. I can see where it can be a problem because I don't know everything because I'm like never really out, like asking me to write down what my dog was doing the other day when I was at school, I just don't know.

The best I could do if I was asked too would be a basic, broad, and jumping around in time. If the others want to contribute, they can share a thought or write it out themselves. I think I would get a poster board and draw a line on it and go from there. Of course we are going to have missing memories, nothing to stress over because that's how we are. If it weren't for that, this condition really wouldn't bother us in our system so much.

Good luck!

[finding_my_way]

yeah. i think doing that kind of caused me to realize again (because i apparently forgot) that there is a part that does not want me 'going there.' there are some things i do remember that aren't as traumatic as others, so those are okay for me to know/talk about..but once i start getting deeper into things, it seems like that dark part (which might also be protecting me) does not want me to think about things and will potentially harm me (even if just by very dark feelings) and potentially younger more vulnerable parts.......which is confusing to me as when i was feeling that dark part, i didn't feel 100% like myself either...so...none of this makes sense. or does it...