[hauntedswamp]

I put the majority of this post behind a trigger tag because it's a long story that involves childhood sexual abuse and emotional abuse.

About two weeks ago, experienced the strongest depersonalization I have ever experienced in my life. I've experienced dissociation since I was a kid, but my experiences have been mostly mild. I experience really strong derealization fairly often, though.

Anyway, my dad and I had a very serious conversation recently about things that happened in the past.

Possible trigger:

On my 10th birthday, my older cousin sexually abused me. I told my mom about it right away, and she told my dad. My cousin is the son of my mother's sister. My parents and I never ever spoke about it again. My mom already had a lot of problems with her sister, so I guess this incident was the straw that broke the camel's back. My mom totally cut ties with that side of the family. We didn't see or speak to my aunt and cousins for ten years. There's a lot more to this story, but long story short I blamed myself all that time. All I could see was that something happened to me, and my family fell apart because of it. And since we never spoke about it, nobody ever told me that it wasn't my fault.

When my family finally reunited after a decade, it was clear that some of the family (mainly my grandmother, and partially my aunt) blamed me for the long estrangement. I was treated like an outcast. It was terrible. After the initial reunion, every time we would get together as a family, the experience was so painful. I wanted to throw up and die. I would spend the whole time watching my family get reacquainted with one another, like they were in a snow globe and I was a terrible monster banished to the outer realm doomed to agonize as I watched them and their happiness bloom without me and my monstrousness in the way.

Adding insult to injury, it seemed like everyone had given my cousin a pass on what he had done to me. I was the one who was a victim, but he got all of the support and love. I was the one who was made to feel wrong.

On a separate note, I also have specific issues with my grandmother. My grandmother is not a kind woman. I think she has Histrionic personality disorder, but can't be certain. When we used to talk, she used to make humiliating comments about my weight (I'm overweight) all the time in front of family, friends, strangers -- anyone.

If that wasn't hard enough to deal with, she told me to my face that if I hadn't made such a big deal about my cousin, the family would never have broken apart.

That was 3 years ago, and I haven't spoken to her since. My grandmother is old, who knows how much longer she has to live, but I don't care. I can't talk to her, I can't be near her. And I can't be near my family when they celebrate and love the one who abused me while also putting me down.

It's now been over 20 years since he abused me, and over 10 years since we reunited as a family. I recently made the official decision that I could not be around that part of the family anymore, at least for now. I'm still nursing unhealed wounds.

I told my dad about all of this, and for the first time in over 20 years, we spoke about all of this stuff -- what my cousin did to me, how the family broke apart, how the family treated me, how he failed me as a parent (his words, not mine), and so many other things.

It was the first time that one of the adults of my childhood actually acknowledged me as being a victim, actually gave me sympathy and love. It was the first time that someone who was involved said, "It wasn't your fault."

In many ways, even though I'm an adult, I'm still that little girl crying in the corner under a blanket waiting for someone to see me, to acknowledge how real my pain is. You would think that after waiting so long, I'd be overcome with joy that it finally came.

But I wasn't.

First off, even though I finally got that moment that I've been waiting so long for, it doesn't erase the emotional history of what happened. I still experienced what I experienced -- that all is very real, and will always be real.

I felt like a computer trying to tangle with two contradicting commands, before finally shutting down. I slept for almost 2 days straight, and didn't wake up until I had a terrible, paralyzing nightmare that literally scared me out of bed. When I woke up from that nightmare, I was already standing next to the bed, screaming, looking around with wild eyes.

The next day is when the depersonalization hit me hard. I could barely function. It was like trying to control an unwieldy robot using a primitive control system -- even something as simple and automatic as walking was problematic. Honestly, being outside and going to work that day was dangerous for me, because I think I could have possibly fallen and hurt myself. Everything around me was fog, and I was nothing more than an extension of the fog. My eyes were seeing, but it was like watching television or like walking through a movie set -- nothing in front of me was real, it was all artifice. I did not feel sad, or angry, or anything -- at least not directly. It was like somebody else was having emotions, and the emotions were giving off electricity, and I could feel the electricity.

I'm slowly crawling out of that fog -- I've been able to cry a few times since that day, so that's good. It was really probably the weirdest (and in some ways, the most upsetting) psychological state of mind I have ever experienced.

In a strange way, though, I feel like it signifies some kind of changing of the tide. Maybe I'm just wishful thinking, and maybe I am just trying to find meaning in something that isn't there. Maybe I am trying to overcompensate all that misery with a false hope that equals in measure. But I feel like the depersonalization was my brain's way of restarting itself. I feel like right now there's this thing inside of me that's finally giving me permission to heal and put some of this burden down.

We shall see.

Thanks for posting - I can relate to so much of what you've said.

I wish I had something intelligent and wise to reply with, but its way too early and I've had no where near enough coffee yet.

[Mookster]

This is a good thing believe it or not, you've been validated. Something all of us who have been abused need. No it doesn't make the memories go away, it doesn't take away the hurt, tho it helps the healing. I was never told as a child it wasn't my fault.. I really wasn't even talked to other than by two social workers, one who I told what was going on to and he broke my trust. And the other one that I never said a word to because trust was broken...

Being validated helps healing in so many ways, if we all would have gotten this as young children, we probably wouldn't still be dealing with all the hurt, years or decades later.
I hope you have a therapist to help you deal with this new found information and you can now start the journey to healing!

[finding_my_way]

it is very difficult when people who are supposed to care about you don't properly deal with a situation that often has long-term consequences for a person.

i went through a lot of trauma, some my mom and sisters did too and some not related to family where they were not involved. but because i was different from them personality wise (quiet, shy, cautious, sensitive, etc.) and the youngest, they were better able to deal with certain situations as they were older, could remove themselves from situations, fight against whoever might have tried harming them sometimes, etc. and because i have limited memories of some of my trauma, i was accused by one sister of my brain making things up because of other trauma/stress in the house growing up or my mom telling because i couldn't remember things 100% or at all that it simply didn't happen.

over the years, as i have had things come back to me or rare times where a family member will actually validate my experiences (i never talk about details to them), it can be very triggering and cause similar reactions where i will dissociate or have other emotions come up that i didn't existed. i just had my psychiatrist after 12 years of seeing her and sharing one thing with her tell me that i was abused. as much as i knew that in my head, hearing it out loud was strange.

it is definitely a healing process i would say for you because you maybe cannot believe after so long someone actually believes you..and the association of it all does a lot to the body and mind. once you have that validation, it will open up a lot of things emotion wise you have felt for years which will overwhelm you and cause you to shut down because it's so hard to process now. it seems to me to be a normal reaction and then needing to rest your body because of the emotional toll it took on you and needing time to process things, sometimes even behind the scenes in ways you might not consciously know.

i often think of my head as a computer where i can be focused on things externally in the here and now, but i sometimes can feel things going on in my head, like a computer program running in the background except doing its own thing which i'm not aware of...reconnecting things related to memories, processing things, etc.

[Lady Lindsey]

WOW! Thank you for sharing.. I am sorry you went through this and I am sure much more... I am sorry that it happened, and I am sorry that I fully and literally understand.

Hugs... the fog will rise and life will go on.... after all we are survivors

Omg...I'm so sorry that this had happened to you. I can feel your pain and frustration in your writings and I so wish that it go away for you. It maybe a small thing but it is huge for your father to finally support you.

The rest of your family...I don't know. All I can say hon is that time will tell, and at best I hope the rest of your family begin to ask for your forgiveness so the healing gets more complete.

[hauntedswamp]

Thank you all for being so awesome and supportive