[Claritytoo]

The longer I live the more I don't understand the world. The greed. The illusion of power. All preceded by death and destruction. It doesn't matter who's history you read. It's a fact of human existence. An ugly fact that ultimately serves nothing. It all ends for all of us at some point or another. With some luck and hard work we can go in peace and with no or little regret. This take on the world often weighs on me. The lack of ability to comprehend the continuous repetition of societal and political failure. The focus on "power". A subjective and "practically" non existent entity. The only power (for lack of a better word) exists in each of us. It can be nurtured, dismissed, manipulated but it can not exist outside us. No condemnation here. Just what I have seen in my life. It is interesting because I spend so much time looking in. Mostly due to having a system that communicates within my thoughts. It is like being in a world within the world. I ramble now. Today I will go to my son's and spend the holiday with my son and my grandsons. I will be in the moment and enjoy the warmth. And I will take that time to remember what life is for. To love and to be loved. And I will not think of the world.

[Claritytoo]

Spent the holidays with my son and grandchildren. It was a good day. Spent the next day with my grandchildren. I enjoy them so. I have been fixing up my home for sale. In part to get back into living but in part to help my son. It is difficult being around my son. He most often indifferent toward me. I know he loves me but that indifference makes me feel bad about my self. Unloved if you will. I don't think it is in my best interest to live in the same home as my son but he is going through a tough financial time and I don't know how else to help him. But I can't help him at my expense. At the expense of my sense of self. So I keep fixing up the home for sale but in reality I have no idea what to do.

[Claritytoo]

Today decided to get a little red wine and pizza and watch the Jets vs Patriots. I hope the Jest win. I am still not certain the correct direction that will help both myself and my son. What I do know is that I am selling my home. I have been wondering if we can just live out out life with our system. Although I know there are parts that are suffering and that is what makes me think that we need to free them. But I first need to get myself into a financially secure situation and that focus my energy and time on us. It all a little scary but we have always managed to land on our feet in the past. Go Jets.

Go Jets! And beat the New England Cheaters!

[Claritytoo]

unable to sleep, my mind spins, scenes flash in my mind. faces i don't know, a voice I hear but don't see. i just want to think, read. roam the world but life gets in the way. But I will find a way to be centered, in the moment, through books, and thought. My mind will free me from the weight of my existence as it is in time. I need to free myself from time and just be in the moment. Time is a trap we follow to it's end. we forget that time is a concept of existence created by man to define the undefinable. To lock in its creation living. Ask yourself how much time is too much time. Or too little time when the only reality exists in a moment. the notion of time is all it is