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#1
Feb 08, 2016, 05:35 PM
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Hi
I am reasonably new to PC though have been reading posts for a few months now trying to get a feel for the place. It is taking me a lot of courage to post this on such an open forum. I have yet to be diagnosed with any dissociative disorder (DID mainly) but I am in the UK and diagnoses are surprisingly hard to get, they aren't needed for insurance purposes and psychs are generally reluctant to tell you what they think the problem is. That said... I am not stupid and have known that something has been very wrong most of my life. Hmmm how to put this so as not to be triggery... I have a history of sexual assaults/abuse since I was 6 years old at which point I started "hearing a voice in my head". This voice was like my secret, an 'imaginary friend' that comforted me, kept me company when i was so alone and helped me to not think. All I can remember is that over the years that I suffered at the hands of other people, more and more 'voices' appeared and I suffered severe depression and anxiety and dissociation. I was utterly ashamed and was aware this wasn't normal so hid it at all costs until one session during CBT (for anxiety) the therapist suggested we recorded a session of 'going over the traumatic event' and what was recorded was utterly bizarre to me, a young girls voice talking in present tense as if the trauma was still happening. We repeated this four sessions running and it was the same each time. Ever since those traumatic CBT sessions about 5 years ago i have not only 'heard voices' that talk to each other, to me and run general commentary on my life but I lose time (an awful lot of time where my behaviour has been described as erratic and different to my own), I find myself in strange places (whether that's in a different room or a different town), I have a part that has a terrible habit of shoplifting small items, I have a part that is hellbent on causing my physical harm by self harming of overdosing or drinking heavily, there are the littles (the one who i have known since i was 6 and others) and there are also teens and even a few who are older, there was even a boy when i was younger but he disappeared and i think we kind of merged back together in my teens. Most have names, they came up with their own names, one i suggested names until she agreed because she is mute.. others don't have names because they don't want them or because they aren't ready. I disclosed all this to my therapist for the first time ever last Thursday and she wasn't shocked, she was actually really good and more curious which is something i can deal with. I am terrified for our next session as I left her with a list of names and who they are and what they are like and when they appeared etc Hmmmm... what else to say... Well, I have been in and out of the wonderful (hahaha) NHS mental health services for many years and have several diagnoses of depression, generalised anxiety disorder and Schizoid/Avoidant Personality Disorders (please note that it is only *me* with these diagnoses not my others/alters) and most recently my psych tried to diagnose me as Schizotypal (it is different in the UK as its not seen as a personality disorder, rather as a milder form of schizophrenia) but that diagnosis is debatable now I have disclosed the fact i likely have DID etc... Just thought I would introduce myself, I'm not sure on the rules of our 'others/alters' being introduced by name so I have avoided it. I find it incredibly difficult to talk about myself but I find it much easier to answer questions if anyone is curious enough to ask any. That's about it... oh yeah... I am also studying for my degree in Psychology  Nice to meet you alls 
__________________
"Laughing, smiling, joking around look at me here playing the clown. Laughing and chatting, life spinning round, when inside I am slipping, falling down. Behind my mask I do not smile, come and sit with me awhile. You could never imagine how much I hide, sad and lonely, I'm EmptyInside" |
 FightingTheStorm, Fuzzybear
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#2
Feb 09, 2016, 01:46 AM
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Welcome Definitely sounds like you belong here! Am another UK-er so can empathise with anyone caught up in the NHS mental health *cough* 'services' ;p Im the same about needing to be asked questions, too. Sounds like you know your system really well. Was that always the case, or has there been a period of discovery? |
| Fuzzybear
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#3
Feb 09, 2016, 04:47 AM
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Hi CassyO
Nope, I haven't always even known it was a system let alone tried to figure it out, I think most of the discovering has been in the last 2-3 years. I haven't had any professional I could talk to about it, I tried once and pretty much got laughed out the door. No, all the figuring out of my system has taken so much time and effort that I have been unable to work for two years. I figured I needed to learn more about myself before I considered disclosing DID stuff to a therapist and it has helped I think. Though everything has kind of gone haywire with realisations in the past week or so, I have discovered there are two more parts though they won't communicate with me yet and I am also discovering that I might not always have been the host part. We had a serious breakdown two years ago and lost our job and nearly our life too and since then, everyone has commented on what a different person I have become, just assumed that was to be expected but then had a kind of revelation that I might well actually be a different person :/ it's kinda hard to explain!!
__________________
"Laughing, smiling, joking around look at me here playing the clown. Laughing and chatting, life spinning round, when inside I am slipping, falling down. Behind my mask I do not smile, come and sit with me awhile. You could never imagine how much I hide, sad and lonely, I'm EmptyInside" |
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#4
Feb 09, 2016, 10:59 AM
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Shelly:
Hi emptyinside, welcome to PC! Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry that you can post on this board, but thanks very much for doing so! I totally get your story and accepting ones multipleness is the stepping stones to treatment and recovery. My voices of the others worked into my "thinking" which in turn is actually a collaboration of sorts where we all discuss, debate, vote, argue,...to us though, it was like just thinking. It wasn't till later that we were able to discern the peculiarities of each individual voice once we came out of voluntary denial. After that, it all fell into place. Co-conscience is such a weird thing. It wasn't really to recent that we started name tagging our posts for some part of us thought it would be easy to see the differences. In some instances you can, but mostly not. I've found that it makes better sense to anyone reading to know the author first. In our head we all read our own writings mentally out loud, but I read everyone's one day and it just didn't come across individualistic like it suppose too, let alone make sense, soooo.... But your others are very welcome to post their thoughts, too. I've found that it has helped free up some apprehension of coming forward and presenting, but like holding back is one of our short comings, :P Anyways, glad to meet you and hope to hear more. 
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#5
Feb 09, 2016, 12:40 PM
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Sounds like you got all the textbook symptoms to diagnose DID. I guess you have to continue to journal and trust the process if diagnoses is necessary for you. Get acquainted and ask/answer the running commentary on their lives to get to know your system.
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#6
Feb 09, 2016, 01:09 PM
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yes the UK is a bit different than the USA, you can see the diagnostics american's must meet in order for treatment providers here to diagnose someone with DID in the link at the bottom of my post, this information is from the DSM 5. some locations outside the USA also use this standard others use the IDC standards. your own treatment providers can tell you which standard of diagnostics they use.
rules on alters ... here in america some have names so do not. as far as I know the only rule on alters here on psych central is that everyone (alters and the one they reside with in) all use the same account. i have noticed some people and their alters list the name of the one posting before or after the main part of their post so that other members know who is writing that post. my own alters though they had their own names also answered to the body name. by the time my treatment provider told me about this website I was at integration level of healing. all my alters have since been integrated and now we are all one whole person again. my own dissociative type alters were not imaginary friends, but did have a few imaginary friend types that my treatment providers called psychosis and medication induced alters. welcome to psych central.
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#7
Feb 09, 2016, 01:50 PM
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Welcome
agreed, it sounds like you have the textbook symptoms. hope to hear more from you 
__________________
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#8
Feb 09, 2016, 04:06 PM
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I do have a question, am having a really switchy day so am short on words...
Does anyone else get bad headaches after switching a whole lot during the day?
__________________
"Laughing, smiling, joking around look at me here playing the clown. Laughing and chatting, life spinning round, when inside I am slipping, falling down. Behind my mask I do not smile, come and sit with me awhile. You could never imagine how much I hide, sad and lonely, I'm EmptyInside" |
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#9
Feb 09, 2016, 07:45 PM
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Quote:
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#10
Feb 10, 2016, 06:35 AM
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Quote:
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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