[FightingTheStorm]

After months. MONTHS, of not hearing or feeling hide nor tail of anyone else up there, suddenly I'm transitioning and having a rough time sleeping and recollecting my days. I haven't slept in over 24 hours now, I have holes in my timeline and I'm starting to realize that that part isn't new. I've had holes in the past months, but I just figured it was bad memory or something.
Hah.
Bad memory my @$$.

It's not that I don't love my alters, at least the ones that I have now and the ones that I know of. I used to have more than I do now, but during the year and a half of college that I actually attended, I was on medication that was helping I guess. It was blocking them out, keeping them inside. And a lot of them went away, disappeared. I don't know where they went. And I actually miss some of them... It's come to a point where they're like friends that I can rely on and confide in and can fall back on. That probably sounds terrible, I'm sure, but when life gets too much to handle, it's nice to know that there is someone else much more capable to take the wheel for a while.

Jimmy and Will are all that I have left, that I know of.

I'm not sure if that I'm transitioning again is a good thing, or a bad thing. I mean, it must mean that they know I need them, but I don't want to HAVE to need them. I want to be able to be strong enough to handle reality on my own without them as...basically a crutch. But at the same time, I'm glad they're there because now I don't feel as...alone.

The first time that my alters disappeared, I felt so alone and so empty. I lived with it, obviously, because a lot of my other problems were feeling better, but there was that constant emptiness. A different kind of emptiness than the usual one, I suppose. And this all probably sounds terrible because I'm so out of my mind right now. I'm so tired and so stressed out and I'm keeping Jimmy at bay at least long enough to finish writing this because I just need to get this all off of my chest and out of my head.

I've found myself falling back into old habits. Sleeping too long or staying up all night and then expecting myself to be able to function the next morning. There is no happy medium.
I'm not eating like I should be. I either eat so much in one sitting that my stomach feels like it's going to explode, or I go for a day or so without eating so much as a snack.
My thoughts actually went to the dark places that they used to yesterday.

But they're back. Jimmy and Will are back.
It's difficult to explain it to my boyfriend. He's confused. He doesn't understand. Most of the time, I don't understand, so how do I explain to him? I don't know my triggers anymore, I don't know much about Jimmy and Will. They're not my old System. I knew their triggers. I knew the situations that would bring them about, and I had a good thing going with them, where I could be co-conscious with at least a few of the main alters.
My best friend that went through this with my the first time, she isn't speaking to me. And my other friend that knows about this is talking to Jimmy and Will when they surface but...

I don't know.
I'm just so....not in the right headspace, I guess?
I don't know how to feel at this point.
I don't know whether to be thrilled that I'm not alone in my own head anymore
or terrified at what it might mean that they're suddenly back.

And will I still have the same kind of control as I had before? So far it doesn't seem that way.
So what happens if I transition at work? I don't know what they're like, really. All I know is that Jimmy swears extensively and Will is a huge flirt. Both of which could get me into trouble at work...

I just don't know what to do.
I'm not even really sure what I'm doing by writing this except getting it all out there.
I listen to myself sometimes as I'm writing stuff like this, venting, and I just...second guess myself and delete it all. Because who would believe any of this crap?

Well...I don't know what else to say, or even if there is anything else that I can say.
Thank you for listening, I guess? Or reading. Or whatever...

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by FightingTheStorm

After months. MONTHS, of not hearing or feeling hide nor tail of anyone else up there, suddenly I'm transitioning and having a rough time sleeping and recollecting my days. I haven't slept in over 24 hours now, I have holes in my timeline and I'm starting to realize that that part isn't new. I've had holes in the past months, but I just figured it was bad memory or something.
Hah.
Bad memory my @$$.

It's not that I don't love my alters, at least the ones that I have now and the ones that I know of. I used to have more than I do now, but during the year and a half of college that I actually attended, I was on medication that was helping I guess. It was blocking them out, keeping them inside. And a lot of them went away, disappeared. I don't know where they went. And I actually miss some of them... It's come to a point where they're like friends that I can rely on and confide in and can fall back on. That probably sounds terrible, I'm sure, but when life gets too much to handle, it's nice to know that there is someone else much more capable to take the wheel for a while.

Jimmy and Will are all that I have left, that I know of.

I'm not sure if that I'm transitioning again is a good thing, or a bad thing. I mean, it must mean that they know I need them, but I don't want to HAVE to need them. I want to be able to be strong enough to handle reality on my own without them as...basically a crutch. But at the same time, I'm glad they're there because now I don't feel as...alone.

The first time that my alters disappeared, I felt so alone and so empty. I lived with it, obviously, because a lot of my other problems were feeling better, but there was that constant emptiness. A different kind of emptiness than the usual one, I suppose. And this all probably sounds terrible because I'm so out of my mind right now. I'm so tired and so stressed out and I'm keeping Jimmy at bay at least long enough to finish writing this because I just need to get this all off of my chest and out of my head.

I've found myself falling back into old habits. Sleeping too long or staying up all night and then expecting myself to be able to function the next morning. There is no happy medium.
I'm not eating like I should be. I either eat so much in one sitting that my stomach feels like it's going to explode, or I go for a day or so without eating so much as a snack.
My thoughts actually went to the dark places that they used to yesterday.

But they're back. Jimmy and Will are back.
It's difficult to explain it to my boyfriend. He's confused. He doesn't understand. Most of the time, I don't understand, so how do I explain to him? I don't know my triggers anymore, I don't know much about Jimmy and Will. They're not my old System. I knew their triggers. I knew the situations that would bring them about, and I had a good thing going with them, where I could be co-conscious with at least a few of the main alters.
My best friend that went through this with my the first time, she isn't speaking to me. And my other friend that knows about this is talking to Jimmy and Will when they surface but...

I don't know.
I'm just so....not in the right headspace, I guess?
I don't know how to feel at this point.
I don't know whether to be thrilled that I'm not alone in my own head anymore
or terrified at what it might mean that they're suddenly back.

And will I still have the same kind of control as I had before? So far it doesn't seem that way.
So what happens if I transition at work? I don't know what they're like, really. All I know is that Jimmy swears extensively and Will is a huge flirt. Both of which could get me into trouble at work...

I just don't know what to do.
I'm not even really sure what I'm doing by writing this except getting it all out there.
I listen to myself sometimes as I'm writing stuff like this, venting, and I just...second guess myself and delete it all. Because who would believe any of this crap?

Well...I don't know what else to say, or even if there is anything else that I can say.
Thank you for listening, I guess? Or reading. Or whatever...

what happens at work if you in your words transition (my locations term switch\dissociate) ? well if this is because you have DID then nothing is going to happen when you switch at work that hasnt already been happening. DID is a life long mental disorder. by that I mean its something that begins in childhood and a person has all the symptoms and problems all their life until their alternate personalities have integrated \become one to form one whole person again. getting a diagnosis only puts a name on whats already been happening. it doesnt change anything. if anything most if not all people with DID get better not worse after diagnosis because now they can work on those problems/ issues that come with DID that have been happening all their lives.

the not sleeping at night for 24 hours in ....my location... is not part of dissociative disorders. Usually in my location people with dissociative disorders have the problem of feeling like they sleep alot and are well rested because of how dissociating and having alters work.

example before I was integrated if being tired was what I was feeling and upsetting me, I would space out, become numb, disconnected (in other words dissociate\switch) the alter that would take control would be the one that took care of that trigger (being tired) I would become aware the next day fully rested with no memory of what went on during the night.

my treatment provider explained this to me by saying my alters are there to do what I can not handle, to take care of what is triggering me and to allow me to continue on with life as if everything was ok. since dissociating puts you in a state of numbness, spaced out, foggy minded, thats a restful get away from problems action. therefore dissociating is taking care of the lack of sleep problem any issues I may have are medical not mental. they change my meds and help me get on a regular nightly routine of getting to bed at a reasonable hour. they also do other medical tests and evaluations to see if any of my physical health problems are causing me to not sleep at night. I also curtail my caffeine intake that also helps me to get a good nights sleep before my alters were integrated with me.

something else jumped out at me..your statement of its not your old system. Im a bit confused by that because in my location alters dont just suddenly come into being. what I mean by that is in my location DID is created in very young children. what alters they have then are the ones they have all their life until all the alters are integrated and everyone is one whole person again. here in my location these DID type alters have their own jobs, purposes, reasons for being. sometimes the alters change and grow sometimes they dont, but DID type alters in my location dont just suddenly appear one day like one would suddenly have a cold or flu.

my point Im wondering if these are the same alters you have had all your life but now they have evolved\changed in order to handle what ever is going on in your life that is causing you to dissociate.

suggestion talk with your treatment providers. they can help you learn therapeutic grounding tools and techniques that can help you to be more grounded. they can also explain to you how and why your internal system is the way it is.

[finding_my_way]

i can relate to what you say. years ago, i used to know several others. when things changed during a certain time frame, they all went quiet. years later now, some still come around but in more subtle ways and don't feel like the ones i knew years ago. it is confusing for me. i also don't know who they really are or if they are ones i used to know but have kind of blocked things more so i don't know them or can't figure out who they are.

i don't struggle in the same way as you though where they will take over, it's more like passive influence, thoughts, feelings, sometimes images, etc. but i do find i am not as present overall as months ago. i am not really able to keep as accurate of a timeline of the past weeks, though i know what things were done. i just don't know what days, if it was three days ago or a week ago or so, etc. which really doesn't even matter thankfully since i work from home so it doesn't disrupt as much as it would if i had to work around people. i find that the more i have to be out in the world around people, the more stress, anxiety, and triggers come up, and the more the dissociation will happen as well as the others being more active.

it is difficult having the system change and trying to figure things out when it does. maybe over more time, you will be able to learn more about them and talk more with them so you can get to know them and have things maybe more cohesive with them.