There Is Courage In Hate

I hate myself for not being able to drop all the dark shadows and move on with my life. I hate myself for the flood of images and smells that take over me when my husband comes near. I hate the intensity of the emotions that begin to surface when those that carry them are triggered.

I hate that I don't know what to do to make it all go away. I hate that this therapy process takes so long. I hate that I hate. I hate when I feel anger and totally hate when I feel sorry for that bastard father of mine.

I hate myself for not being normal. I hate that that monster who calls himself my dad took my life away from me, for from the moment he touched me at the age of 4, I ceased to exist and my life stopped.

But I love myself for having the COURAGE to drag all of this crap into T's office twice a week, to have to speak these heinous feelings out loud, so some day I will no longer hate myself and relish in the warmth of the light.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((SB&D))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry that you are feeling such intense feelings but sometimes it is good to let them out. You are very courageous and that will help you keep going forward. I hope you will find the compassion you deserve and the peace that comes with it. Please take care.

((((SongBirdandDaisy))))

I am listening and I feel your pain. I am sorry you are feeling this but I am so proud of you for letting it out. You are not alone and I see you putting one foot in front of the other each time you open up. We are here and walking with you as you take these steps. Keep posting and reaching.

purplesecrets

yeah you go girl(s)

Fuzzy White Bear Purplesecrets Rainbowzz

Thank you for listening and caring. I think this therapy process would be impossible if it weren't for friends like you.

Hugs to everyone here at PC ~ Anne

Yes, it takes great courage. You are very brave. Much love.

(((((((((( SongBirdandDaisy ))))))))))))

big hugs to you all, we need you , we understand what your going through, we repect you
Iris

Pegasus Iris

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We will all help each other . . . .

It does take courage. I hope for you to be able to turn that hatred for other things/people into love for your own self care...and that that would take you to the T's office.

Your words are so true.... When you hate almost everything about yourself......But it does take courage to own your feelings and wait for a better time to come.

Sky Lilith

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I know this whole process takes time and that patients is a must. And I hope I will be able to feel the love that people talk about.

So much has happened and it's all so sad. I feel sad for everyone who has to go through this.

I wish you didn't feel all the hatred, but I do understand. I applaud you for loving yourself enough to go get help. I am so proud of you!

Hugs,

Jan

Hello Miss Jan!

Things aren't so bad now but those thoughts do linger just under the surface. Sometimes I feel like an iceburg floating around, knowing all that big stuff sits just underneath and sometimes I look below the water and feel all that stuff, but usually I just drag it with me.

I just have to keep holding on tight to that part, that seed that God gave me, the one that has been hiding so it won't get dirtied by all the bad stuff. I know it's there, I just can't always reach it.

Hugs, Anne

Hi Anne,

I really like your description of the iceberg. What a wonderful analogy. I feel that way, too.

I believe both of us have our seeds and we need to nourish them and take as good of care of them as possible.

I know you can do it. I believe in you.

Hugs,

Miss Jan