[lostinsidemyself]

I didnt know if this would be triggering so I am putting the icon on anyway...i had 2 roommates (girlfriend & boyfriend....A and D) and the girl of the pair, A, is my nephew's wife's sisiter so I was asked if they could move in with me as they had no place to go and i agreed. They were (i was told clean but turned out to be false) herion addicts (shooting up). They had moved down here from a nortern state to get clean and i thought i was helping 2 addicts. Sorry for the long post, i sorta have to run through the history for anyone to understand and its a long dramatic time.

They stayed with me for about 10 months and at the time I also had a BAD huffing keyboard duster habit. It was A that got me clean, in my 'not huffing times' she would have heart to hearts with me and her being so concerned and my dad being terrified that I was going to die...its the reason I got clean but in the time that they lived here...my opioid pain med that i need in order to walk, and work was stolen 3 times out of my safe, my house was turned into a crack house that the cops were watching and they had a friend (without my ok) move in on my couch selling coke & crack (which ive been clean off of for 10 yrs), herion, pills...all sorts of stuff. I found needles in their room, people in and out at all hours, tried to kick them out 3 times and each time they talked & manipulated back in. I was scared to call the cops because I was scared that since it was my name (not theirs) on the lease, that I would get in trouble for the drugs & needles too. I guess I was the poster child of no boundries but i do have a bottom and i hit it and finally got them out. I was also out $1000 of unpaid rent to me. The weekend after they moved out was the last time i huffed duster (around a year and a half or 2 yrs ago).

They moved just 3 apartments down to their drug dealer/ friend. D had threatened me because he thought i did something that i didnt...i was scared, parking my car up at the apartment office where theres a camera, told security etc.

After a while, A asked me to come sit on her porch, told me that she knew me well enough to know i didnt do what i was accused of and i allowed them to be friends again. Basically they knew how to play me like a fiddle and are very good manipulators.

I became their ride, everywhere, as they didnt have a car. I took A, D, and their drug dealer/friend/now roommate to walmart to get food. They stole half of the food (though they had food stamps), little crap they didnt need, and D had stuck a bike tire inner tube down his pants....when A and D both knew how I felt about stealing, I didnt steal nor was i ok with it...and i was the driver. Was the last time I took them anywhere.

My dad & step mom moved back in with me around this time as they were needing help with money and i know my dad was VERY concerned about the huffing duster thing...though i had been clean for a few months, he was still scared and ive been glad in recent times that they were here.

A and D & their drug deal friend also got in trouble with the law...got in a fight with some people that stolen their rent money, $500, out of A's purse...it was thrown out of court eventually but for a bit, A & D had ankle monitors, couldnt be near each other so D had the apartment 3 down as he was released first and A had no where to go. I saw her out side in a chair right outside of my screened in porch...it was cold and wet and my heart broke and so i convinced my dad & step mom to let her spend a few nights here. First it was sleeping on the indoor & outdoor couch on my porch but in a cold night me and my dad agreed to let her come in and well she stayed for a few months while she was going through the trial, while D was finding the money for a new place...ended up being a few blocks down in the getto.

My step mom and A got kind of close in that time frame. I loaned her an unknown amount of money, bought her cigs, let her eat whatever.

After a few months and when the court finally allowed A and D to be in the same house, A moved out and lived in the apartment with D.

A few months went by and they ended up loosing that and moved into a hotel. They were both getting clean & relapsing the entire time and L (a friend that would come over here when they lived with me and do herion with them but I call her a "junk junkie"...she will shoot up anything) got back in A's life and i knew that wasnt good as L would talk A into doing herion after a few weeks or even months clean.

D left A...took all their money, left while A was at work and flew back to the Nortern State where they first came from. He was clean, she wasnt and he didnt want her to drag him down. He had enough talks with me that I knew why he did that.

A started to come over to my house to see my step mom...of course when i wasnt home as i had stated that I didnt want much to do with them anymore and my step mom text me, said A had obviosuly shot up in my bathroom (could hear the water running and the sound of slapping on her arm though she tried to get me to beleive that she was slapping her knee and singing to my step mom...from the bathroom **eye roll**...im an addict, im not dumb). I sped home after work, she was still here and high as can be and I finally told her to get out and stay out and told my dad & step mom that i didnt want her around here anymore. I had had enough.

Soon after A moved back in with my nephew's wife, her sister and I hadnt heard much from her. That was about 6 or so months ago. I had heard she wanted to move back to their area but she didnt have a chance to. My nephew had kicked his wife out for snorting opioid pill meds (something shes been doing for yrs but my nephew also had had enough) and so I knew that A had no chance of staying clean with her sister.

Today I just found out that 2 days ago A died of a herion overdose. And i dont know what to feel. I am sad that someone died...but is it wrong for me to not feel as sad as I feel I sound be? She was a friend, she was someone that took my pulse to make sure I was still alive when I passed out from huffing, she was one person that helped me get clean...i did care about them both. My step mom is crying and I feel that i should feel more, worse...i feel like a cold person for not feeling worse.

Im sorry this is so long...i tried to run through it all as fast as i could but the entire time was probably about 2 and half or 3 yrs from when they moved in to now.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by lostinsidemyself

I didnt know if this would be triggering so I am putting the icon on anyway...i had 2 roommates (girlfriend & boyfriend....A and D) and the girl of the pair, A, is my nephew's wife's sisiter so I was asked if they could move in with me as they had no place to go and i agreed. They were (i was told clean but turned out to be false) herion addicts (shooting up). They had moved down here from a nortern state to get clean and i thought i was helping 2 addicts. Sorry for the long post, i sorta have to run through the history for anyone to understand and its a long dramatic time.

They stayed with me for about 10 months and at the time I also had a BAD huffing keyboard duster habit. It was A that got me clean, in my 'not huffing times' she would have heart to hearts with me and her being so concerned and my dad being terrified that I was going to die...its the reason I got clean but in the time that they lived here...my opioid pain med that i need in order to walk, and work was stolen 3 times out of my safe, my house was turned into a crack house that the cops were watching and they had a friend (without my ok) move in on my couch selling coke & crack (which ive been clean off of for 10 yrs), herion, pills...all sorts of stuff. I found needles in their room, people in and out at all hours, tried to kick them out 3 times and each time they talked & manipulated back in. I was scared to call the cops because I was scared that since it was my name (not theirs) on the lease, that I would get in trouble for the drugs & needles too. I guess I was the poster child of no boundries but i do have a bottom and i hit it and finally got them out. I was also out $1000 of unpaid rent to me. The weekend after they moved out was the last time i huffed duster (around a year and a half or 2 yrs ago).

They moved just 3 apartments down to their drug dealer/ friend. D had threatened me because he thought i did something that i didnt...i was scared, parking my car up at the apartment office where theres a camera, told security etc.

After a while, A asked me to come sit on her porch, told me that she knew me well enough to know i didnt do what i was accused of and i allowed them to be friends again. Basically they knew how to play me like a fiddle and are very good manipulators.

I became their ride, everywhere, as they didnt have a car. I took A, D, and their drug dealer/friend/now roommate to walmart to get food. They stole half of the food (though they had food stamps), little crap they didnt need, and D had stuck a bike tire inner tube down his pants....when A and D both knew how I felt about stealing, I didnt steal nor was i ok with it...and i was the driver. Was the last time I took them anywhere.

My dad & step mom moved back in with me around this time as they were needing help with money and i know my dad was VERY concerned about the huffing duster thing...though i had been clean for a few months, he was still scared and ive been glad in recent times that they were here.

A and D & their drug deal friend also got in trouble with the law...got in a fight with some people that stolen their rent money, $500, out of A's purse...it was thrown out of court eventually but for a bit, A & D had ankle monitors, couldnt be near each other so D had the apartment 3 down as he was released first and A had no where to go. I saw her out side in a chair right outside of my screened in porch...it was cold and wet and my heart broke and so i convinced my dad & step mom to let her spend a few nights here. First it was sleeping on the indoor & outdoor couch on my porch but in a cold night me and my dad agreed to let her come in and well she stayed for a few months while she was going through the trial, while D was finding the money for a new place...ended up being a few blocks down in the getto.

My step mom and A got kind of close in that time frame. I loaned her an unknown amount of money, bought her cigs, let her eat whatever.

After a few months and when the court finally allowed A and D to be in the same house, A moved out and lived in the apartment with D.

A few months went by and they ended up loosing that and moved into a hotel. They were both getting clean & relapsing the entire time and L (a friend that would come over here when they lived with me and do herion with them but I call her a "junk junkie"...she will shoot up anything) got back in A's life and i knew that wasnt good as L would talk A into doing herion after a few weeks or even months clean.

D left A...took all their money, left while A was at work and flew back to the Nortern State where they first came from. He was clean, she wasnt and he didnt want her to drag him down. He had enough talks with me that I knew why he did that.

A started to come over to my house to see my step mom...of course when i wasnt home as i had stated that I didnt want much to do with them anymore and my step mom text me, said A had obviosuly shot up in my bathroom (could hear the water running and the sound of slapping on her arm though she tried to get me to beleive that she was slapping her knee and singing to my step mom...from the bathroom **eye roll**...im an addict, im not dumb). I sped home after work, she was still here and high as can be and I finally told her to get out and stay out and told my dad & step mom that i didnt want her around here anymore. I had had enough.

Soon after A moved back in with my nephew's wife, her sister and I hadnt heard much from her. That was about 6 or so months ago. I had heard she wanted to move back to their area but she didnt have a chance to. My nephew had kicked his wife out for snorting opioid pill meds (something shes been doing for yrs but my nephew also had had enough) and so I knew that A had no chance of staying clean with her sister.

Today I just found out that 2 days ago A died of a herion overdose. And i dont know what to feel. I am sad that someone died...but is it wrong for me to not feel as sad as I feel I sound be? She was a friend, she was someone that took my pulse to make sure I was still alive when I passed out from huffing, she was one person that helped me get clean...i did care about them both. My step mom is crying and I feel that i should feel more, worse...i feel like a cold person for not feeling worse.

Im sorry this is so long...i tried to run through it all as fast as i could but the entire time was probably about 2 and half or 3 yrs from when they moved in to now.

no it is not strange or wrong to not feel sad when dealing with grief. people go through the grief process at their own pace and some people that I know never feel sadness for a long time and when they do its not the tear your heart out kind of sadness for them. here in my location there are many different stages of grief sadness is only one of them,

example I know many that have died. for each that has died i grieved in a different way and for at least 2 I was not as sad as others (society and what have you) felt I should have been and for one that I know who was a friend i was happy for them because of their long struggle and painful life they had lead towards the end of their journey.

line in the sand there is no right way to grieve. some people dont feel any sadness others feel a lot of sadness, some people feel a lot of anger, others feel no anger. some people even feel happy when someone they know has died.

my point even non mentally \physically challenged people go through losing someone in ways that may not include feeling sad for the one that has died.

there is a grief forum board here in psychcentral that may help. its Grief and Loss - Forums at Psych Central

[Luce]

Honey... you feel how you feel. It is what it is. Neither feeling more nor feeling less makes you a better or worse human being. Whatever you feel (or don't), I doubt you could truthfully label yourself as a 'cold' person. You helped her when you could, and established boundaries when helping her became too harmful for you. Whatever you feel is... a result of all those mixed experiences.

[barbella]

I don't think you are a cold person at all. sometimes it can take a while to process this new information. You have a complicated history with her so that might be part of it too. I also agree with what Luce wrote. I think you are doing your best.

[lostinsidemyself]

Originally Posted by Luce

Honey... you feel how you feel. It is what it is. Neither feeling more nor feeling less makes you a better or worse human being. Whatever you feel (or don't), I doubt you could truthfully label yourself as a 'cold' person. You helped her when you could, and established boundaries when helping her became too harmful for you. Whatever you feel is... a result of all those mixed experiences.

Originally Posted by barbella

I don't think you are a cold person at all. sometimes it can take a while to process this new information. You have a complicated history with her so that might be part of it too. I also agree with what Luce wrote. I think you are doing your best.

Thanks guys!

I think guilt is covering up anything else. I jad the thought "if only i could just keep her away from the herione" and tried to get her to the other side of the widrawls by my old patches and xanax...and my guilt is 2 fold...i couldnt help her (when im an addict & get only addicts can help themselves but i tried the best i could...i saw a lot of me in her) and also what if my pain meds contibuted and made it worse?

I talked with D on Facebook messages last night, he's carrying the same guilt "i couldnt help her" and so talking with him helped me...and hopefully him.

Also, she saved my life...i owe her ny life and we ended on such a bad note...and shes really the only friend i had and it just sucks! or at least I wish I could cry.

Im still trying to work together my "goodbye" to her on her facebook page where everyone is doing it.

I am so sorry she died.
I think its ok to feel however you feel. Dont feel guilty if you dont feel sad enough. Maybe that will come later, maybe not. Its all right.

[lostinsidemyself]

My "Goodbye" to her written on her Facebook page as I cant attend a funeral today since its in the most North East and Im the most South East of the US so I did it there. *Names taken out:

How do you say Goodbye the someone you owe your life to? *How do you even thank someone for that? *I was reading the late birthday card you gave me, writing all over the envelope about how much fun we were going to have watching movies and eating Ben and Jerrys red velvet cake (my fav as you knew), and upset you were to learn it was late. *You were the best friend I ever had, even in the bad times, I always knew that you'd always be there for me and you always knew that I'd be there for you. *I miss you more than I can even put words to express and I never told you that you were one of the strongest and best people I ever met. *I am so very thankful that you, [A.], and [D.] came into my life; and I dont know if I ever thanked you for saving my life. *I dont know much down these lines but I know that you are up with God, no longer in pain, no longer struggling, and at peace. *Rest In Peace my friend! *I love you [A.!] Here are the one of my fav pics, [A.] with my dog Chopper. [Not posting the pic or that would take the annoymity out of it.]

I also just saw that I posted this in Dissociated Disorders...not sure why? I think I thought I said "Discussion" as I post all threads to two sites and thats what it says there. Sorry about that.