[yagr]

I share this body with a little. She fronts a fair amount of time but pretends to be big when she interacts with adults. About the only time she is herself when she fronts is around other kids. She wants to talk to our therapist. We've talked about it and it's going to happen, but I am absolutely terrified.

We've successfully hidden this for so long and though our therapist and I have spoken about her at length, and she believes us - the idea makes me want to run. Anyway, I'm afraid and I am looking for some support.

[Luce]

Do you know what it is that you are afraid of? Sometimes identifying what it is that you are afraid of can help.

Our fronty-type parts were terrified of letting others speaking to the therapist. Mostly I think they were afraid of relinquishing control, and not knowing what would be said or done.
In reality they didn't actually have any say whatsoever in who got to speak to the t or not and others were talking to the t all the time anyway, so their fears were a moot point. But their feelings were real all the same.
I do think it was that sense of relinquishing control for them, though. Do you think that is the biggest fear for you or is it something else?

[yagr]

Originally Posted by Luce

Do you know what it is that you are afraid of?

Working on that. I actually have a pretty good sense of it, but not sure that it will translate effectively from my head to the keyboard. More down below.

Originally Posted by Luce

Sometimes identifying what it is that you are afraid of can help.

Couldn't agree more. Often though, in the middle of panic, clarity is lost. I appreciate your questions - gives me something specific to focus on.

Originally Posted by Luce

Our fronty-type parts were terrified of letting others speaking to the therapist. Mostly I think they were afraid of relinquishing control, and not knowing what would be said or done.

This is not the sense that I am getting, though if I try, I can certainly frame it this way.

Originally Posted by Luce

In reality they didn't actually have any say whatsoever in who got to speak to the t or not and others were talking to the t all the time anyway, so their fears were a moot point. But their feelings were real all the same.

Our reality is a bit different. Over the last twenty-four years we have created 'Team Us' and are ridiculously supportive and loyal to each other. For instance, she wants to talk to the T, then I will make sure it happens and am willing to sacrifice my comfort and security to give her what she wants. On the other hand, knowing my fear, she wouldn't ask if it were not very, very important to her to do so.

So I (the one doing the typing at the moment) can say 'no' and she will respect that - whereas thirty years ago she'd have waited for me to go to sleep, block me out and go to the appointment without me. But the reason she will respect my 'no' is that she knows that I won't make any decision that affects both of us out of selfishness. Sometimes we disagree, but she trusts that any decision I make that runs counter to what she wants is based on my vetted belief that it benefits us. I get it wrong sometimes, but she accepts that - because everyone gets it wrong sometimes, but she knows my heart is always in the right place.

I hope that made some kind of sense.

Originally Posted by Luce

I do think it was that sense of relinquishing control for them, though. Do you think that is the biggest fear for you or is it something else?

Control might be the issue and I'm simply framing it differently, but here's what I'm thinking: We present to the world a particular way. Many years ago, we presented to the world very inconsistently. Sometimes she was present and sometimes I was. It caused us a lot of problems. Today, even those in our life who understand that there are two of us present, experience the same consistent 'me'. It is either me being me or it is her pretending to be me. This is a huge departure from that motis operandi - one that we haven't done with an adult for over twenty years.

Ultimately, I think that I am afraid our T will see me differently (the one typing away) after this and I do not want to lose the relationship we have. Talking about it with her intellectually is one thing; getting naked in front of her is something completely different - and while 'getting naked' is meant as a figure of speech here, that is exactly what it feels like. If I have a session in front of my T in which I am completely naked...I wouldn't want to face her again.

I take it that you are comfortable with your T and trust her completely? Feel free to just let go.

We've always have been obsessed with control but didn't know why....but now we do- because we are always out of control. You have someone that cares to help....let her. You are so lucky, good luck and relax....it's all for the greater good.