[MARGURITTE]

So far, I have been called a liar, someone that can't be trusted. I have spent my whole life doing doing for others and getting people to safety. Now I feel. Unwanted and unloved. I have no real friends close by.

I know it! I'm getting divorced again! I'm/we are done until an Other gets infactuated again:/

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Marguritte))))

I just wanted to say I understand and I know what you are saying and validate how you feel. Seems no one truly understands what we go through, how hard it really is, or what being this way really does to any of us. Not even family or often times not even the people close to us too. I get it. It is hard to explain something we ourselves often times do not even understand or get. Or even at times know how deep or how layered it may be.

I too have been called a liar, not trusted, been told I am selfish, too hard to understand or help, been made fun of, mocked, and told to just give it to God and move on. I've been told I was filled with evil, went through exorcisms to be told if the parts came back I allowed evil back into my life. Being DID is not easy, and especially when you don't know everything the other parts of you hold or do, the trouble or issues they cause, or the time loss and how to explain that to anyone. Trying to be responsible for what you don't even know is really difficult, always apologizing but not knowing what you are apologizing for just knowing somehow you somewhere did something wrong again.

Being there to help others, giving, and yes, even saving others or getting them to safety I get, and often times the ones you were saving were too young to even remember or know so they too don't see or remember it and often deny and make you out to be wrong or a liar. And because it is a secrets, and don't tell is drilled in, we have to be made to be wrong or liar because it cannot be known to anyone.

I do know the feeling of feeling unloved and unwanted. I am not even sure I understand how to really feel loved or wanted (or what it really is) when all I ever was was just the opposite. And when it seems you are always in trouble, doubted, blamed, or misunderstood it is hard to hold onto to any love or wantedness that seems to say it is there. Somehow it doesn't seem to go together or make any sense. At least that is how it feels. If you never felt loved or that you were wanted, how can you know it is true now? When it could walk away any time it wanted to, what makes it something to believe is real and won't?

I don't mean to answer you in a negative way, I just want you to know that I understand and I hear you. I wish I had answers to give you and maybe one day there will be answers. I guess right now I am feeling down and can really connect to what you said and just wanted you to know you are not alone. That I do get what you posted and I am sorry you feel this way and are going through this. I do hope you will keep posting and reaching out. I know there are many here that have found love and feel wanted, they may be able to give you insight to what helped them.

I am glad you posted and are here. And I do send you many gerntle hugs and loving thoughts, if okay.

dps

[Luce]

We hear you, Margurite.

We hear you too, Purple!

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by MARGURITTE

So far, I have been called a liar, someone that can't be trusted. I have spent my whole life doing doing for others and getting people to safety. Now I feel. Unwanted and unloved. I have no real friends close by.

I'm here!

I'm so very sorry you are feeling this way. I do understand what you are saying.

((( hug if wanted )))

[MARGURITTE]

Thank you all for listening. I.will try to be here everyday for some support. Marguritte

[Lost_in_the_woods]

We lost everybody we love. And another one bites the dust, pretty soon the last gift will be given away. We are a ticking time bomb. Once LL goes. We will have no one and no more purpose.

I can't do relationships. Never knew why till now. I've always said that I was my own saboteur.

I can't inflict my crazy on another individual anymore. This present partner accuses me of doing this on purpose just to drive her crazy- pretty self-centered she is....it's all about her. Oh well, she's moving out in two weeks.

It takes a special someone to stand by you...they are very few and in between. Who wants what we have to offer? I don't!

[Luce]

Originally Posted by Lost_in_the_woods

We lost everybody we love. And another one bites the dust, pretty soon the last gift will be given away. We are a ticking time bomb. Once LL goes. We will have no one and no more purpose.

Maybe the purpose right now is just to hang in there until the good stuff comes along.
Possessions are nothing important.
You are the last gift.
Keep you for yourself...
For the good stuff that isn't quite here yet.

Hang in there.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Luce

Maybe the purpose right now is just to hang in there until the good stuff comes along.
Possessions are nothing important.
You are the last gift.
Keep you for yourself...
For the good stuff that isn't quite here yet.

Hang in there.

I agree!!!

Wholeheartedly!!

Thank you Luce for posting this. You are giving me courage for me as well!

Good stuff WILL come!!

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Originally Posted by Luce

Maybe the purpose right now is just to hang in there until the good stuff comes along.
Possessions are nothing important.
You are the last gift.
Keep you for yourself...
For the good stuff that isn't quite here yet.

Hang in there.

Thanks Luce
I don't remember writing that but I understand what she is saying. It is a very hard time right now and grim at times. But we will muddle thru somehow.. we always do. That is the strength of this bizarre confusing sometimes untangle able Dx... is we always find a way. Even when we feel alone and everything seems dark, we always have the other parts to help us thru.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

So far, I have been called a liar, someone that can't be trusted. I have spent my whole life doing doing for others and getting people to safety. Now I feel. Unwanted and unloved. I have no real friends close by.

Marguerite
I'm sorry you are going thru all this.
I have been thru the awfulness of friends family work and SOs not understanding, not believing, being suspicious, accusatory, giving up, leaving, telling me I'm just overly dramatic, lying, no good, get it together, picking fights, causing problems, uncooperative, insubordinate, abusive, overly emotional, down right crazy and not worth it. Hearing ppl you love say horrible things to you never gets less hurtful. In a perfect world suffering would not have to exist and all love would be unconditional. *sigh. I know you know that you are not those things and I know it's hard to not let others get you down and doubt yourself....but I have found that even tho it never is easy and outsiders mostly won't understand and other parts of ourselves can and will get outta line.... at our core we are not bad. We are not liars. We are not untrustworthy. We are good ppl, strong, and resilient...even if we can be non fuctional and chaotic at times The truth is yours and yours alone. No one else can define you, anymore than you can define them. The truth of this Dx is not much different than any other human who suffers with any long enduring pain... at the core somewhere is a very frightened being who has and is doing its best everyday to stay alive and move foward and try to find someplace in this large intimidating 'verse to call home. Feel safe, needed, loved, useful, content, and whole. Before we could even remember we learned that no one was gonna be there for us so we built our own defenses, home, and family. Whatever happened origanionally to make us this way is terrible, but instead of being stuck as victims, we became our own saviors..."..and that makes us mighty."

[MARGURITTE]

Thank you all for responding! I also have Anhedonia the lack of feeling any and everything. It makes me feel better that there are people out there who understands.

Lilith/Marguritte

[just2b]

feel it right there with you all!!