[fullsassahead]

I debated as to whether to post this here or in the Psychotherapy forum. To be honest, I've stayed far away from this forum. I suppose I'm scared to be here. But, I also know that I can't hide forever and having support around my dissociative disorder could be beneficial. Forgive me, though, as this may be long.

I have been diagnosed with DID. I was diagnosed 3 years ago. Actually, I believe I was diagnosed the year before, but was unwilling to acknowledge it. Even now, it's a struggle to accept. The truth is, I knew I was DID before then. I don't remember when I figured it out, but I did know. And, when the diagnosis came 3 years ago, it wasn't a shock. Terrifying, but not a shock. I was in residential when the diagnosis came and, thankfully, my providers did whatever they had to in order to work with me. Some were experienced and others were not, but they were all willing to learn. And, it made a huge difference as we really started working on things. However, when I left residential and was sent to another facility, I shut down. Briefly, I considered working with a specialist close to home. But, we were not a match and there was no way I would have felt comfortable with her. Trust would've been impossible.

Last year, I started therapy again for my ED and other issues. I was feeling comfortable with my therapist and I was desperate for someone to know what was going on. I made the decision, a couple months in, to tell her. Big mistake! She told me she had no experience with DID and that she didn't know if it was real. Mind you, she worked with severe mental illness at her "day job." She was not unfamiliar with mental illness. She then had the gall to ask me, point blank, if I was making it up and telling stories to get her attention. After shutting down, she told me she believed me, but also said that I would never dissociate with her if I trusted her. And, she said that she'd know if I didn't trust her because dissociation only happens with people you don't trust. I knew this was wrong, but I felt so much shame that I just agreed and nodded. I did dissociate with her, but she never acknowledged it and she would admonish me for acting out. Thankfully, I am no longer seeing her. But, it really did a number on my head. And, rightfully so, I think my parts are afraid of ever being known again.

A couple of months ago, I shared my diagnosis with my current therapist. I didn't plan on telling her, but I had started to attach and we had started discussing things about my past and present. And, with that, I started dissociating. I have limited co-consciousness with one part and I could feel her wanting to engage with my T. I sent it to her in text. I expected her to never want to see me again. This isn't her specialty and, as I found out later, she has never worked with someone with DID. But, she has done everything right. She has consulted others (with my anonymity intact) and is wanting and willing to learn. And, while I could find someone who's experienced, I would rather work with my T who I trust and feel safe with. Most importantly, the small part I has share some consciousness with feels safe too. And, that hasn't happened in a long time.

Now, for my question...

When I was in residential, my treatment team did communicate with my parts. But, I don't know if that was normal. I don't know what to expect. I know my young part has been partially present in session. No one else, though, that I'm aware of. This past week, she was present more than I was. I didn't remember much and shared that with my therapist. She said she had thought that my part was present, but that she wasn't 100% sure. She has long said she is more than okay if my parts were to come out. In fact, she hoped she would eventually come to know them so that she could help us. But, I don't know what to expect and it's scary.

How does it look for you, your parts, and your T? Did that help you accept your diagnosis more? Is it helpful to have your therapist communicate with them? Do you feel accepted? I have so many questions. So, if you're willing to share some of your experience or support with me, that would be appreciated and mean the world. My biggest fear is abandonment because I'm too much trouble and not worth all of the effort. I judge myself and punish myself so severely for this. Maybe, in all of this, my hope is that I can learn that I am worthy and okay.

[Luce]

Hi there, and welcome to the dissociation forum.
Like you my long term ex-T didn't initially know anything about DID. (I had brought the diagnosis with me from my previous T in another city). She was willing to learn though, and consulted with others and joined ISST-D etc.
The guidelines my ex t worked with are that she would actively communicate with whoever presented in therapy but not call them out or address them by name. she did acknowledge them though... like if she noticed 'x' had come out she would say 'hi' but not 'hi x". She didn't ignore them. but she would never say "can I speak to ....?" except for a couple of times when we asked her to if we got stuck when working through some harder stuff.
it sounds like an oxymoron I guess but she treated us as one while at the same time acknowledging (perhaps more subtly than directly) our differences.

yes, our t talks individually with all of us, we take turns with her, she might ask for someone she wants to talk to, sometimes kids ask to have a turn with her. she accepts all of us as individuals. she will talk to any of us that show up to talk to her,

[amandalouise]

yes my therapist talked with my alters...

some information that you may not know about...getting the diagnosis doesnt change anything, it just puts a name on what has already been happening since very early childhood...

let me give you an example....

here in my location DID is a mental disorder that happens when a child under the age of 5 undergoes extreme trauma that the child at that young age is unable to handle.

it is a dissociative disorder where when ever a person encounters something that triggers them they dissociate (feel numb spaced out disconnected) and then the alters take control to handle\take care of that which caused the person to dissociate.

DID affects every aspect of a persons life, not just one area of their life, it affects their home life, their social life, their academic life, their work\occupational life... everything thing.

Each alter has their own job, purpose, reason for being, how function, how interact with their self, and everyone and every thing (in other words they have their own sense of agency you can read about this in one of the links at the bottom of my post)

what that means in my location is that from very early childhood on up into adulthood and until the alters integrate back into being one whole person again the alters take control based on their sense of agency and take care of what could not be handled with out dissociating\switching into being the alters.

Human beings are a social species. that means human beings learn how to talk as babies and continue talking to those around them...(family, friends, teachers, doctors, therapists, even strangers sometimes) all their lives.

how does all this translate into therapy...

as human beings its natural and part of life to talk with my therapist. if I became triggered during therapy an alter would take control and talk with my therapist about that triggering topic that I dissociated away from. why because thats what the alters sense of agency was.... to handle anything that caused me upset\triggering.

on the issue of your therapist stating if you trust your therapist then you would not dissociate just from having to see your therapist. (because you would not be triggered by seeing your therapist) thats not saying things you .....discuss.... wont trigger you, just that ........being near, with and around your therapist.... will not cause you to dissociate if you trust and are comfortable with your therapist. dissociation is a trigger response and if not triggered no dissociation. Im guessing thats what your therapist meant. my suggestion would be to ask her what she meant so that she can tell you what she meant by that statement.

Hi! Well, you really can't shut anyone of us up! Everyone of us wants to go blah blah blah.

The littles don't want to present, so we all practically fight for out time at once.

Everyones different.

[finding_my_way]

i have had some speak without the therapist knowing (maybe)..at least, then i hadn't come out and said the parts i referred to had names, ages, etc. though she has known for many years i dissociate and knew i had DID but waited for me to share a lot of things about it.

i had a recent experience where another part was triggered and was so close to the front and was upset/angry, but the feeling from dissociating happening so fast and i was able to interrupt it so stopped that part which i now regret...but i didn't want them to yell at the psychiatrist...and was scared if i lost that control what might be said....but i have had times where some have talked who i wasn't sure who it was..but the psychiatrist didn't know probably.

i recently gave her a list of some of the ones i know, their names, etc. and some other information about them, so i wonder now if she will look more for some minor things than she did before.

i believe that she would talk to them..she has kind of spoken through me to them...and i am sure if they did come out to talk to her, she would talk to them because she has said it's important that they all are heard because that is part of the healing process. she has also acknowledged them even by name just in general conversation.

it was a relief when i finally told her about them after so many years...and she knew from the beginning. she has worked with some before with DID too, so that helps.

[kecanoe]

T1 has no previous experience with DID, but he talks to whoever wants to talk. He will sometimes ask "who said that?'. T2 talks to parts but rarely calls them by name. T3 and I identify which part she will talk to in a session, but she does not call them by name. Ex-T talked to them by name and called them out by name. T2, 3 and Ex all have experience with DID.
I think it is a style thing. Since you are your t's first client with DID, I think it would be ok to discuss it with her and see what works best for you. Some ts really want to map the system and figure out how it all falls together, some focus on what is happening day to day and treat the symptoms that are presenting.

[lucidity11]

We are all parts so my t only talks to us.

[Shaly78]

There is passive influence so the therapist is communicating with you parts. I think you just have that mindset. My therapist acknowledges overt switch we're there is no doubt, but still it just only a conversation and listening just the same as anything else nothing she/he should do special. May I ask who is this? If the alter retreats then best thing you can do is go to the next parts of conversation.

[flockpride]

Originally Posted by Shaly78

There is passive influence so the therapist is communicating with you parts. I think you just have that mindset. My therapist acknowledges overt switch we're there is no doubt, but still it just only a conversation and listening just the same as anything else nothing she/he should do special. May I ask who is this? If the alter retreats then best thing you can do is go to the next parts of conversation.

This resonates with my experience.

i just found out yesterday that our t has been talking to a few insiders that we dont even know

[Luce]

We have been going to see a t that we used to see a long long time ago. Back then we had told her some stuff, but not the really bad stuff. We didn't know about the really bad stuff until many years later when we slowly found out about it in therapy. So part of going back to see this old t was wanting to tell her what we had found out since we last saw her all those lots of years ago. We wanted to tell her why it was so hard for us to speak back then and why we were so frozen in silence all the time.
But it turns out back then a part of us (who we still don't even know!) had already told talked to her about the really bad stuff. we didn't even know that! old T already knew it even though we didn't know someone had told her and we didn't know now that she knew. We still don't know who in us talked to her about it.
So much for not being able to talk! t knows a whole lot of stuff we didn't know about til much much later. We feel kinda ripped off!
But on the plus side it sure makes it easier not having to explain a whole bunch of stuff to her, we can just jump right in to what we need to get done.
But what is kinda funny is that we haven't told this t we have DID and we aren't going to. We are trying hard not to switch and when we can't help it luckily it is just us front ones (we hope!) and we try to say I and not we and try not to talk or act too different, although that is really silly because some of us sound very different and act very different anyway. She does give us funny looks sometimes lol.