[just2b]

So struggling with trying to figure out what I want to do and which is not influence by other parts of the mind. In second semester of school and feel like I want to leave. I seem to be always looking for something better to do. Want to work but don't have enough experience in something or my schedule doesn't work. Today I see T and we will probably talk about this, know that a part wants to sabotage my school efforts, so is this her attempt?? Yet I in the most adult mind also think I'd rather be working than doing homework. I am in Graphic Design. I've been stressed out over coming up with designs for every assignment and think I just don't like the whole process of doing it. A few times I know other parts of my mind have helped, but suddenly I am starting to feel kinda depressed. Don't want to do anything. Don't eat three meals, and I chronically deal with physical pain and of course I am in pain today. My T thinks my pain is related to my mind.yet not entirely. She has seen me over two and half years so she may be on to something. Just wondering if anyone else struggles like this? How do you know what you want over your parts? Or is there compromise? What would it look like? Feel so alone my T is all I've got. And she of course isn't available all the time. So my thoughts go around in my head bouncing off the same ideas and wants that I can't see clearly enough to even know if I am in most adult part of mind now. Thanks

Omg this is the hardest part...because of this fragmentation we are multi-talented- thats the good part. The worst part is a battle over host with multiple life changinging events causing us to really not accomplish any time of success. What one does in the morning is not what an Other wants at night. I've often said that I'm my own saboteur.

I want to make money working as I is now, but an Other wants to spend the money on themselves, :/

I know an Other wants to transition, so only God knows what I work for. I'm just the worker, so I guess an Other who is most wanting gets to do what they want.

I know Trebor wants another guitar and wants to start another rock band. So the future is almost like a coin flip.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by just2b

So struggling with trying to figure out what I want to do and which is not influence by other parts of the mind. In second semester of school and feel like I want to leave. I seem to be always looking for something better to do. Want to work but don't have enough experience in something or my schedule doesn't work. Today I see T and we will probably talk about this, know that a part wants to sabotage my school efforts, so is this her attempt?? Yet I in the most adult mind also think I'd rather be working than doing homework. I am in Graphic Design. I've been stressed out over coming up with designs for every assignment and think I just don't like the whole process of doing it. A few times I know other parts of my mind have helped, but suddenly I am starting to feel kinda depressed. Don't want to do anything. Don't eat three meals, and I chronically deal with physical pain and of course I am in pain today. My T thinks my pain is related to my mind.yet not entirely. She has seen me over two and half years so she may be on to something. Just wondering if anyone else struggles like this? How do you know what you want over your parts? Or is there compromise? What would it look like? Feel so alone my T is all I've got. And she of course isn't available all the time. So my thoughts go around in my head bouncing off the same ideas and wants that I can't see clearly enough to even know if I am in most adult part of mind now. Thanks

may sound strange but I never had a problem with knowing what I wanted to do with my life. each of my alters had their own sense of agency and did that when in control and I had my own. I wanted college and become a treatment provider where as this alter wanted to be a care taker, that one wanted to be in security, this one wanted to travel and that one wanted to hide.

one day I asked my therapist how do I know Im doing the right thing, how do I know Im not supposed to be what ever the others are doing. she laughed and said its just the dynamics of having DID to have alters that have their own thing. it doesnt mean Im supposed to be what they want and vice versa.

she said in the normal scheme of things even normal people have ideas one moment being this or one moment being\doing that. its part of having a thinking logical mind that separates us from a non human species. then she gave me an experiment to ask everyone in my life if they have always wanted to be in what ever job, career that they were in. I discovered many were not in their "ideal" jobs and careers. they took what ever jobs were available at the time that they needed a job. one person trained be be a firefighter and is a cashier. another trained as a teacher and they were in sanitation..

I got my therapists point...just do what ever makes my own heart content and the alters like they have always done before I was diagnosed will continue to do what their sense of agency is.

after integration I discovered that I was in fact in the right career and that the others sense of agency was and always have been part of mine because they started out being me before the trauma happened that caused me to become DID, those differences that they were vs me just re affirmed I was doing the right thing and their differences added to my own abilities/capabilities that come in handy with my career.

my suggestion is to not worry about what they want to be vs what you want to be. trust that like always they will continue to keep you and your system safe and surviving what ever hardships come your way, and that if they want to be something different than you well it all evens out in the end.

my second suggestion is that you can work together. since you know what they want Im assuming you have co consciousness. you can go to school like you want and taylor your classes to fit the common ground (what everyone has in common). then later on you can all work together to decide after being educated in things you all have in common whether or not you want to further this route to specializing in this or that career or whether you need to take what ever jobs are available at the moment.

[Shaly78]

Ultimately you are going to have to accept all the parts of you young and old.

[just2b]

UPDATE: I am withdrawn from school, and feel the same. Just as lost as before. I am not sure what to think anymore. Session is a huge blur. In my head, I think I can clearly see my T for a split second, then nothing.
I guess I will figure something out. Maybe I never really had an idea of what I wanted to do anyway, or just dont care anymore. Today was a blur, and home now,and feel like crawling up on my bed in the fetal postion, and just silently let my tears come out. Yeah....

Hey hon, I'd think that I'd get a white board and post everything of importance so that you can always see and work on it. I used too, I don't know why we quit.

But just having it like there in front of you helps a lot.

Hmmm, I've got something to do.

[Luce]

Hey just2b, I can relate to your struggle. I guess I just want to say that what is happening today - now - isn't the way it will always be.
We tried to do higher education after high school and it just didn't work. There was too much stuff that needed to be sorted out. We quit, and concentrated on a lower level job and therapy for a decade or so. There were a couple of us (including myself) who very much wanted to do more study during that time, but I guess the timing wasn't right.
We went to university in our 30s, and are back again for more now in our 40s.
It's okay to take a side road.

i don't know what i want from life, i'm not really sure i know who i am anymore.

i mean it's okay for me to write about my parts and what they like, but when it comes to me.... total blank

[just2b]

So right there with you Shattered, blankness is like for everything.

Update: never made it to my bed to cry, because I was offered a possible job teaching basic fundamentals of sports to pre schoolers. We are meeting this week for scheduling and to meet and for me to observe a class to see if it's something I want to do. If I end up not taking this...then maybe something in fast food or retail.

[lucidity11]

Originally Posted by just2b

So struggling with trying to figure out what I want to do and which is not influence by other parts of the mind. In second semester of school and feel like I want to leave. I seem to be always looking for something better to do. Want to work but don't have enough experience in something or my schedule doesn't work. Today I see T and we will probably talk about this, know that a part wants to sabotage my school efforts, so is this her attempt?? Yet I in the most adult mind also think I'd rather be working than doing homework. I am in Graphic Design. I've been stressed out over coming up with designs for every assignment and think I just don't like the whole process of doing it. A few times I know other parts of my mind have helped, but suddenly I am starting to feel kinda depressed. Don't want to do anything. Don't eat three meals, and I chronically deal with physical pain and of course I am in pain today. My T thinks my pain is related to my mind.yet not entirely. She has seen me over two and half years so she may be on to something. Just wondering if anyone else struggles like this? How do you know what you want over your parts? Or is there compromise? What would it look like? Feel so alone my T is all I've got. And she of course isn't available all the time. So my thoughts go around in my head bouncing off the same ideas and wants that I can't see clearly enough to even know if I am in most adult part of mind now. Thanks

I didn't find out I was DID until I was in my early fifties. I have worked a lot of jobs in the 40 years. I also never ever felt quite settled in work. But my main job was working for government so I was able to take exams and get promotions that would offer me a chance to change my work while keeping my job. I was there 22 years until I got laid off when the economy went south. I too went to school. It took me forever to get a two year degree. I didn't take school seriously until I was in my late thirties early forties. I really excelled when I put my mind to it and we all felt good. But we were in a car accident and that caused memory loss, so that was that. I always wanted to complete my BA. You should explain to your parts that school will give you a certain amount of job security and also open up doors to jobs that require a degree,jobs you may all want to be doing. I have an Associate degree. But when laid off I found out real quick it couldn't get me the jobs I needed to pay my bills.
I am ok with my life today. I have a son who is my life and a sister who is my best friend. Neither know about my system and it works well this way. I have only told them that I dissociate and that I have ptsd from our childhood. Nobody would question that.
I think trying school when you are feeling better will give you and your system a multitude of options in employment and the freedom to pick and choose. There is freedom in education. And freedom feels good for everyone. I hope some of that resonated with you. I wish you well.