[Lost_in_the_woods]

I am sad and scared and crying. Screwing everything up. I'd what happened. I remember I went to therapy yesterday. Left got on bus. It was noisey. Then it was 4hrs later. I was sitting on stairs in center of town..confused. I had been crying. Looked around my husband was sitting next to me. I was mad at him didn't call him for a week. Asked him y he was there? What happened to me? He said I got lost. I was little. He doesn't know who. He was trying to take me home. I was scared and he said I told him I saw a little bird that was broken and dying on the sidewalk and a woman put it in her purse. I don't remember. He didn't tell me anything else. Then he got a car and brought me home. He stayed for a while I was upset and trying to understand why everything is all wrong. I was talking too much and it made him mad and tired. He said he was going home. I didn't want him to leave. But he had to. I didn't want any $ but he said I needed it to keep it. I kept trying to give it back. But the car came and he left. I was sad. My phone was making noises so I looked at it. I didn't know the #s. Ppl who speak in another language call and txt all the time. I looked at the txts. Saw the texts between the little girl and my husband and someone else kept texting her in spanish?idk. She kept saying I doond no u. They thought it was a joke I guess. They kept texting laughing faces. Then there was a new text from another # that didn't look familiar. No words just a media file to dwnld. I got scared and deleted it. Then I looked at missed calls. My kids tried to call me when I wasn't me. I missed the call. They haven't talked to me in months and I missed the call. I realized the text I deleted was from a guardians cell. My kids sent me something and I deleted it... I couldn't get it back. I was crying hysterically. I could breathe. I called my husband and texted him I was crying and begging him to come back. He said he could not. I kept begging for an hr. I just wanted to be gone. I don't understand how Ppl can just say no to some who is crying and in pain. I never understand this. I never can do that. I never want anyone to feel alone and hopeless helpless. I eventually fell asleep. Woke up today it was 1pm. I was still sad and my eyes were,all red and poofy. Went dwnstrs to get coffee and wake up. No one was home I didn't know where my they went. The milk was all gone. I was crying and achy all over so I went back to bed. Woke up just b4 6 and I had missed important conference call I was supposed to be on in the afteenoon. I started crying again. I forgot. I was supposed to go try to fix my insurance today. I forgot. I have been crying and shaking since I woke up. Called my husband. He asked if I called the kids back...I can't I'm too sick. I can't talk to anyone or go to the store or anywhere cuz I'm too sick. I can't stop crying and my legs hurt too much to walk. I can't call back to apologize about the Conference call cuz I can't explain. I'm gonna loss,all my Dr's and I'm pregnant and I have been in pain today. But I can't call them to make sure the baby is OK cuz I don't have insurance now and I can't pay them. I won't go to the hospital cuz I'm too sick and they will lock me up and then I can't help the baby or my kids cuz I will be ruled incompetent which is what my family wants. They have been trying to put me in an institution for yrs. They don't talk to me or belive anything I say. They think I am on drugs. I have gotten tests and letters from all my Dr's but the court keeps pushing them aside they don't listen to me and my family spread lies and talks behind my back. We were doing so well. We were holding it together. The one who have been here longest we have been good at appearing consistent for months. Just had to make it thru the Summer. I failed. I fail at everything. I told my husband I need him. I can't do it any longer on my own. I can't do anything. He is,at work he said maybe he could come Fri nite. Too long away. He is the only one who understands and can help me and keep me safe. I am lost. I lost everything I ever cared about and now I have nothing and I am lost. I can't explain to anyone. They will lock me up. Any time I try I get sent to the hospital they just think I am psychotic. They don't believe that in my truth. They just put us on APS that make us feel sick and sleepy and depressed and can't move right and drool a lot. My T is fairly new to me. She is starting to understand but she says if it gets bad I will have to go back to the hospital. I can't call her. Cuz I can't go back. Not now maybe in the fall if it doesn't get better. But not now. This site is all I have. I am lost.

[Luce]

Oh hun. It all does seem to be a bit of a mess right now, doesn't it? I am sorry it is all so confusing and hard at the moment. All that switching, lost time, and lack of stability is hard, hard work.
What are the things that help you stay grounded? What are the things that help YOU to feel calm and safe in the moment?

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Right now...honestly idk. When thing get real bad not much of anything helps. Thank alwayschanging and luce.
I can think right atm.. everything is too foggy and sad. Brickwalls in every direction can't find the exit sign..

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Feeling a tiny bit better today. Did manage to push myself out to store and call/speak to one of my children. I love talking to him, but it makes everything harder, cuz guardians lie and he doesn't understand why I don't come see him...I have to skirt around the subject bc if I am truthful there will be further retaliation and I will not even get to talk to him...it is terribly sad and defeating to be caught in their catch 22..It has been made clear I am not welcome there, but they tell him I am always welcome and they don't know why mummy doesn't come. anyone who is willing to supervise they turn down..or I get a couple of sporadic visits then the slanderous lies start...and no more visits. No matter what I say they find ways to lie where I can not prove..their word against mine... So no matter what I say to him, the truth is gagged and bound. ...He just wants his mummy and all I want are my kids too.. but, they find every and any reason they can conjure up from nothing to make consistently impossible.... which, is so much more damaging to them..so I stop fighting...I never can win...then my kids believe I don't care and don't want to see them. the older is just angry and refuses to talk to me...she has every right to be I don't blame her...but my baby, he just waits everyday hoping it will be the day me and daddy will come back and take him home....How can I break his heart, hope and tell him the truth....that "someday never comes..."

[Lost_in_the_woods]

Now I feel worse again.

[elevatedsoul]

sorry friend... its easy to get lost in the woodss...

Originally Posted by Lost_in_the_woods

I am sad and scared and crying. Screwing everything up. I'd what happened. I remember I went to therapy yesterday. Left got on bus. It was noisey. Then it was 4hrs later. I was sitting on stairs in center of town..confused. I had been crying. Looked around my husband was sitting next to me. I was mad at him didn't call him for a week. Asked him y he was there? What happened to me? He said I got lost. I was little. He doesn't know who. He was trying to take me home. I was scared and he said I told him I saw a little bird that was broken and dying on the sidewalk and a woman put it in her purse. I don't remember. He didn't tell me anything else. Then he got a car and brought me home. He stayed for a while I was upset and trying to understand why everything is all wrong. I was talking too much and it made him mad and tired. He said he was going home. I didn't want him to leave. But he had to. I didn't want any $ but he said I needed it to keep it. I kept trying to give it back. But the car came and he left. I was sad. My phone was making noises so I looked at it. I didn't know the #s. Ppl who speak in another language call and txt all the time. I looked at the txts. Saw the texts between the little girl and my husband and someone else kept texting her in spanish?idk. She kept saying I doond no u. They thought it was a joke I guess. They kept texting laughing faces. Then there was a new text from another # that didn't look familiar. No words just a media file to dwnld. I got scared and deleted it. Then I looked at missed calls. My kids tried to call me when I wasn't me. I missed the call. They haven't talked to me in months and I missed the call. I realized the text I deleted was from a guardians cell. My kids sent me something and I deleted it... I couldn't get it back. I was crying hysterically. I could breathe. I called my husband and texted him I was crying and begging him to come back. He said he could not. I kept begging for an hr. I just wanted to be gone. I don't understand how Ppl can just say no to some who is crying and in pain. I never understand this. I never can do that. I never want anyone to feel alone and hopeless helpless. I eventually fell asleep. Woke up today it was 1pm. I was still sad and my eyes were,all red and poofy. Went dwnstrs to get coffee and wake up. No one was home I didn't know where my they went. The milk was all gone. I was crying and achy all over so I went back to bed. Woke up just b4 6 and I had missed important conference call I was supposed to be on in the afteenoon. I started crying again. I forgot. I was supposed to go try to fix my insurance today. I forgot. I have been crying and shaking since I woke up. Called my husband. He asked if I called the kids back...I can't I'm too sick. I can't talk to anyone or go to the store or anywhere cuz I'm too sick. I can't stop crying and my legs hurt too much to walk. I can't call back to apologize about the Conference call cuz I can't explain. I'm gonna loss,all my Dr's and I'm pregnant and I have been in pain today. But I can't call them to make sure the baby is OK cuz I don't have insurance now and I can't pay them. I won't go to the hospital cuz I'm too sick and they will lock me up and then I can't help the baby or my kids cuz I will be ruled incompetent which is what my family wants. They have been trying to put me in an institution for yrs. They don't talk to me or belive anything I say. They think I am on drugs. I have gotten tests and letters from all my Dr's but the court keeps pushing them aside they don't listen to me and my family spread lies and talks behind my back. We were doing so well. We were holding it together. The one who have been here longest we have been good at appearing consistent for months. Just had to make it thru the Summer. I failed. I fail at everything. I told my husband I need him. I can't do it any longer on my own. I can't do anything. He is,at work he said maybe he could come Fri nite. Too long away. He is the only one who understands and can help me and keep me safe. I am lost. I lost everything I ever cared about and now I have nothing and I am lost. I can't explain to anyone. They will lock me up. Any time I try I get sent to the hospital they just think I am psychotic. They don't believe that in my truth. They just put us on APS that make us feel sick and sleepy and depressed and can't move right and drool a lot. My T is fairly new to me. She is starting to understand but she says if it gets bad I will have to go back to the hospital. I can't call her. Cuz I can't go back. Not now maybe in the fall if it doesn't get better. But not now. This site is all I have. I am lost.

Sweetie, we are here for you. I can tell how upset and scared you are. I don't have DID but I've been psychotic many times and felt terrified and lost. Is that how you feel?

I'd have sat next to you on that bus and quietly held your hand if I could have, truly.

PM me anytime. I care about you. So many people here care about you.