I guess I've always had different alters in control... all but two.. they are the most protected. My alters are pretty much co-consious.. so managing life happens..

my two most protected alters are 12 and 14 years old..

The 12 year old got triggered by an event completely outside of PC.
We were trying to find help for her and made everything worse.

She has most basic of control now.. sharing her awful, terrible pain with the rest of us.. She has never done this before so it is a shock to our system, our emotions and our body.

She has almost all the emotional pain from being groomed and sodmized by the pedophile.. and so she is now "sharing" that with the rest of us. It is like being back in time feeling all those feelings "exactly" like it was back then.

Not a "flashback", a re-living... and since the relationship with the pedophile was several years and not one event, we are feeling the beginning, the years with him and the end of the relationship.

Alot to feel in a weekend... if any one can understand that.

She is crying actually sobbing would be more accurate. And she won't stop.. so I'm not sure how we are going to make it thru the next few days.. my son and best friend will need to be told to "stay away" with excuses.. it will be tough to sound normal..

There isn't anything that I can do for her or for us. There isn't any one there for her to hold her hand.. and she will not take ours.

So I am 12 again... in horrific pain with no one that understands... So I'm not sure what is going to happen to us.. her crying... the impact of the pain thru our system.. we are all in so much pain..

I guess people don't really understand the path to co-consiousness... but this is it.. she is finally "distributing" her pain to all of us.. Therapists don't really understand it.. they just understand it in theory... not in reality.

so we now have co-consiousness with everyone..

yeah.. should be celebrating.. right???

except none of us want to do anything.. there are no fixes here..

there is the reaction from the older alters a complete loss of hope - they "finally" understand that "love" is a myth. - all love..

please I put this here for me.. if I don't let some of the pain out, I am not sure what I would do..

please remember that the 12 year old is really the controlling element here.. she is here in the now.. present..
so please try not to hurt her.

I share this so maybe others will also understand the process...

she is making us throw up again...

I wish every one well...freewill

{{{ freewill }}}

Please keep reaching out to us here. If writing is helping you get the pain out, then write and write and write some more. If you don't want the words or your pain out in plain view, PM one of us.

We want to help.

((( 12-year-old freewill )))

We care.

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((freewill)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I know it is so hard and hurts so much. I am here and I care and I am here to hold your hand. Please keep reaching out. Feel free to PM me if it helps. I understand and know the pain you are feeling. Please take care and be safe. Very gentle hugs for a very young girl.

BB

[Evangelista]

(((((((Freewill))))))

Be gentle with you(s)..sorry so much pain is filtering thru your system..growth is very painful..hope you feel better at your own pace young one(s)..you are stronger than you could ever imagine, just being here is proof of that..

Kind and caring thoughts going your way..

and gentle safe hugs..for all..

Eva

It matters not,, I am not worth saving. there is no value no worth no nothing.. I should be dead..

[Ziggymuzik]

First let me say that I am sorry that what has happened to your life(s) is something no one should have to go through... ever.
That being said,,, I am a survivor of DID.
At this point , it is unknown how many of us are actually here sharing what is Tina's life.
She was abused in Texas when she was 5 yrs old at a daycare.
She was raped at the age of 22 in her first music band
on-the-road experience.
She was beaten in a brutal 4yr long relationship with a correctional officer at the State run Mental hospital where
she worked as a pharmacy tech.
Her abuse continues still...
She abuses herself and no amount of protection can stop her.
The advice is to hang in ...
Just this past Thursday or Friday... one of us went into the chat room here late at night.
Tina just got a new Pom pup that is driving everyone to their limits... She has threatened to kill the pup but we know that she won't ... she (Tina) has always cared more for animals than people. Hurting the baby boy pup isn't in the least way possible.. however she wanted to ...
She is stretched to the core.
Stress can be at an all time high and she will be at the top of her game or she will fold.

Hanging in there is the only thing to do... Life is what the idiots would enjoy from snatching the childhoods ...
Know there will be the bad times (for Tina , this weekend)
and know there will always be someone who cares... no matter what.

Please know hearts and prayers are here and everywhere for all involved.

Today, I leave you with a quote I read this morning as Tina has had no sleep in 48 hours ,,,

"ANXIETY" is the place between
"Now" & "Then"...
This too shall pass with Time's healing power and love.

I wish you all well,,,, and I cannot post anymore..

May God protect you and keep you all safe.

Freewill

Please check in freewill and let us know how you're doing. We will worry if you don't.

Take good care and go slow.

You matter to me.

[SystemAurora]

hi freewill,
Our system had this happen a few months ago. when Little, our 6-year-old, remembered something that was said to us during our CSA and heard our current bf saying it, she took over, went hysterical, and told him he couldn't talk to anyone inside anymore. She wouldn't let anyone else take over either, 'to protect the bigs who like bf too much'.

I'm sorry you're triggered right now and I hope your system gets to feeling better soon. All I can say that helped in my case was for us bigs to let her write out what she was feeling in the journal and be 'big' and protective of us. In the end she calmed down, especially because everyone was taking part of the pain too (she had been shielded from everything before, we thought), and she was able to go back to being herself... loving puppies, singing, coloring again. I hope this helps in some way at all...