[peaches100]

I wanted to share a message I sent to my t this morning. It happened after I had earlier sent a message from a dissociated, smaller part, and I was feeling that shame and regret that always kicks in later...that feeling that what I said in the earlier message could not possibly be real or legitimate, that it could not possibly represent who I am and how I feel. That somehow, the dissociated parts of me are just imagined, or I made them up for attention or something...that there must be some other explanation than that I have DID. Have any of you ever felt this way?

T,

I realize I sent that message earlier, and that realization haunts me. I can't really be like that. I can't believe it's possible that I would be that dissociative. I don't think it could possibly be real. Maybe it's just my imagination, or maybe I made it all up somehow without knowing it. Couldn't that be possible? Something in me just keeps saying this can't be who I am. There has to be some other explanation.

I know that if those "expressions" and "feelings" really are part of who I am, then to deny that would be damaging to me. But if I knew for a certainty that I am that dissociative, and that the things you witness me saying and doing when I don't have enough strong control over my reactions is proof of that...well, I just don't know how to accept something like that. something that seems so "out there" and unbelievable.

I would absolutely hate the idea that maybe I've somehow made all of this up for attention or something. That would be so selfish and almost unforgiveable really. But sometimes I think knowing that I made it up would be easier than finding out that I didn't.

[finding_my_way]

i definitely can relate to this. i tend to doubt it more when things aren't actively happening. recently, i've seen the psychiatrist more. i have figured out that a younger part is more attached to her than i even might be, and she feels calm when we are there. but once we leave, she gets really on edge, anxious, scared, etc.

recently, this happened again because the time between appointments has been longer. she wanted me to email the psychiatrist on her behalf (she doesn't come out and/or talk to people). and in that moment, i was just confused because had an opposite situation a few weeks prior. so, i didn't do what would have helped her. since then, there has been a lot of anxiety and panic, but i cannot tell if it's from her or not. i recently did email the psychiatrist and am hoping a response will help calm this particular part down. if so, it would have been easier if i would have just emailed her when the part wanted me to.

when things like that happens...i get confused..i feel like i must just be making things up or something...but it's hard when a therapist believes they are real and knows they are...so..it's kind of harder to deny it then.

i always feel really awkward when i talk about them with the psychiatrist...but i also know some of them are there and watching/listening because when she asked how things were inside at the last session, someone was shocked at the question and felt scared, like they had been seen or something.

it's pretty normal, i think, to doubt all of this...it's just how it goes...i still struggle with accepting and knowing just cuz my system is more hidden...including from me..but i feel them at times, and their feelings and stuff affect me.

[amandalouise]

great letter, thanks for sharing...

what helped me when I was going through denial\questioning my diagnosis was two things...

my treatment providers went through the test results with me and took it one step at a time explaining to me how those results fit me.

my treatment providers told me that getting the diagnosis doesnt change anything other than puts a name to what has already been happening all my life. did I question the fact that I lost track of things before my diagnosis...no ...why because it was my normal, thats how I always was, did I question the fact that I heard voices sometimes before I was diagnosed no, why because that was my normal did i question the fact that I knew in some way that Rainy was there, no, why because that was my normal.... everything that is DID was how I was since before age 5 due to extreme trauma. a doctor saying hey you have DID didnt change all this, it just put a name to what already was.

what was hard for me was when the alters integrated\became one with me because that wasnt my normal.

As for "accepting" the others were me, that never entered my therapy process, simply because each of my alters had their own way of being, their own jobs, purposes, reasons for being created( in other words their own sense of agency) as a result of having this kind of internal system they did their own thing and I did mine, and when their jobs, purposes, reasons for being created (their sense of agency) was no longer needed they just merged together back with me to be one whole person again.

suggestion maybe sit down with your treatment provider and go over the test results so that your treatment provider can show you how and why you were diagnosed with DID, then if you still have a problem with this you can ask your treatment provider for a referral for diagnostic testing. this way if you are not DID the updated evaluation will tell you what your present diagnosis is and why.