[elevatedsoul]

i dont know if i can handle this stuff much longer at this rate...
im not sure how i felt yestderday, did have therapy but it doesnt feel like it... seems like its getting worse.. i really like the therapist but i dont like talking about things... she's not the problem its me.. even when i do talk to her i forget and cant remember...
i was feeling ok i thought, thought that i maybe was even being happy, for a few days atleast... i dont remember though..

Possible trigger:

i know it wasnt like this... wake up this morning .. this afternoon...
and my head hurts.. and im just... i just dont think i can keep trying to be strong...
i try to carry the weight of everyone... inside and outside...
i dont have very much support at all... my family acts like they want to help and support, or they say they do, but the actions are different of course... they dont understand what is wrong with me... they dont know how bad things are for me because i just cant tell them... if i try to explain, even if i try, they couldnt understand.. i have tried and tried... the reactions are always the same, it makes it worse to make continuous failing attempts reaching out...
to try to make yourself stop feeling so much shame and guilt... self hatred and disgust... because you cant just leave and cant just stop being so retarded... its not retarded though... its much pain... and i dont want to feel it anymore... i never wanted to feel it, but sometimes there is no choice... sometimes you see it coming... sometimes you are surprised... sometimes it hurts... sometimes you dont feel anything... sometimes this.. sometimes that... whatever...

i just am so alone in all of this... the therapist is nice but she can only help me when i visit her... i have to spend the rest of the time away from her and on my own...
i cant even take myself to therapy, to the doctors, anywhere... i have to have someone take me... but then you deal with a million triggers on the way there... listening to other peoples problems with everything under the sun when all you want to do is just be quiet and go to get help for yourself... while everyone surrounding just seems to unload everything ontop of all my problems without a care in the world of how it effects me... they cant think it makes me feel better to tell me those things can they...?
tell me how bad they have it and that everyone has it bad and that im alright i just have to do this or that and the whole time im just thinking to myself i should just kill myself and get it over with...

sometimes i wonder why i try so hard.... whats the point...? am i doing it for me..? or for them...
why do i have to be shock absorber... take everything from everyone and just hold it inside... whats the point...

i am tired of being confused... tired of hurting... tired of crying... bleeding... wanting to die... im just so tired.... i just thought maybe at some point there coulb be a normal life for me... maybe a happy way to live some how some where... maybe things could get better....
but it seems like its not me thats the problem... but its me that has a problem with everything else... or that everything is is the problem to me if you can understand...
maybe if i could just go disappear and hide away for ever everything would be better... but i dunno what to do... im afraid.... it hurts... and no one seems to really truly care enough to step aside and see how much it is... how hard I AM trying... and to try a little harder themselves... dont have to treat me different... just leave me alone and stop intruding inside of me... but no one really truly cares because they just think about only themselves...

scream about a little tiny spot on the wall, because it makes you mad... but how do you think it makes someone around you feel to hear such explosive reaction to something so minute..
but to trigger cascading reaction in maybe someone around you that has suffered greatly the entire life...
to have everyone disregard how hard things are for you because they only can see their own...

so tired of self centered selfish people that dont care... and yet they be surprised when they find someone dead and wonder why...

im so depressed... why cant i just always forget about the pain... forgett everything all the time anyway, but sometimes it doesnt go away...
people dont understand how i can be so volatile... or dont believe the severity of a mood change... i just dont know why it happens either... and sometimes just wish that it didnt happen... maybe just not even to wake up....

i just dont know what to do... not even the handy caring safety people of disbalities want to care or believe or support... maybe i dont have any problems and i really do just need to end it all because it cant get better if there are no problems to make better...

dont know what to do... so tired of these changes... rip part of my brain out and flush it down the toilet

[elevatedsoul]

[elevatedsoul]

i probably should of put a trigger icon, sorry..

im just struggling.. i have not done anything for some days now i think, i find myself only being able to sit here contemplating the experience i have to call life and being lost in the fog unable to really engage in much of anything because of being severely disconnected and isolated...

but i also find myself experiencing multitude of emotions and feelings as well as not feeling anything simultaneously... i suppose more of the cognitive dissonance...
but i have been told that because of my experience it has caused me to not really have a vocabulary to explain feelings or emotions.. or to explain any internal experience... the words have not been created yet because if i had the words to describe it, i would probably go absolutely insane with the inability to cope with such existence...

its all very difficult for me to understand or accept because i like numbers... i like facts.. i like hard cold facts... something i can measure... weigh... test and analyze... but none of that exists for me to use on the inside... i guess thats why i push it to the outside and over analyze everything else, trying to categorize existence so that i can maybe one day apply it to my internal existence... to understand myself, learn who i am, what i am..

but im beginning to think its just not possible because i try to force it.. and i think something like this can't be forced... but i dont know what to do about it then because if i cant .. then how do i come to know?
maybe its a case of "if you love something, let it go .. if its to be yours, it will return to you"

im afraid that something bad will happen to me before this realization takes place...
all i ever wanted was to be happy, but happy is not a number ... and it doesnt have a weight... i just dunno what else to do, all i know to do is obsess until i have my aha' moment

but this constant pushing is driving my entire existence into madness... and i have to figure out some how to stop it, to get out of the head and leave things alone, to 'wake up' and stop staring at the floor in a different dimension

yeah.. maybe insanity has already struck... its a sad thing because i have always been such a nice person, would think the world would try to give me a little break .. but i guess thats why im not religious and the fact is that no one is going to save me but me


i hope that i can pull things together a bit better tomorow

being sober is really not a good idea when you are going through things like this... but what can you do when there are no other choices .. things must change... science says so, science must be right.. right..?

• Everything changes and nothing stands still.

or maybe its the other way...

must be a way out of this maze... cant stand still...
must prevail..

[elevatedsoul]

im trying to think back over the past week ... but im so confused because i thought that i was doing ok..?
but i dont think i have been doing so well.. i know its probably just because of my memory but how is it possible that you can think that you have been feeling halfway decent but look back over some things and really see certain things..?
like, its difficult for me to just keep track of days/hours and whatnot.. but im pretty sure last couple days i have been having alot of issues... but its just not there, its so confusing..
im doing well enough with not being like totally freaked out... but im worried...

if i cant even keep track of how im doing its no wonder the doctors probably get annoyed with me.. but its not a game im playing you know? im really not having fun and dont see how anyone could really think pretending about stuff like this could be..

today wasn't so bad.. i mean i know i was pretty ok today (as far as i can remember) i was resilient today.. i made myself get up early because i was supposed to go get some medicine but i decided not to go and sent someone else to pick it up for me and just stayed home working on some music.. i dealt with people really well, and everything, but im super tired now... like more tired than i have been in a long time

but from what i can remember i was really depressed yesterday, although time is weird you know.. and yesterdays never really feel any different than .. anything.. all i have is this moment in the now and anything outside of now is like something that i cant access so its like yesterday could of been 100 years ago and i couldnt tell, but i can see the message here and know that i was depressed you know.. but thats how all my memories work, just stuff that i know.. because i just have to know, people tell me or i see other wise and i just dont remember but i know, not remember.. you know?

im just really confused by how i can be like this.. i am ok for the most part right now, but i just feel so odd realizing these things.. im supposed to be like .. i mean im supposed to.. i dont know how to put it into words
im supposed to be this guy that struggles with so many things, but how can i relate to all that? all i wanna do is make music and relax.. but im supposed to be really depressed and have such severe anxiety, i just think its strange... and i feel like people are thinking that im a liar because of how i am.. im super honest and it makes me feel bad to feel like that..
because i've never faked anything before besides maybe when i playing a game i lose on purpose so the other person can win so they have fun you know? but i think thats different than pretending to have things like depression and anxiety?
i know im not pretending to do it, i dunno why i get like that.. but it hurts alot i know when it happens and i just wish that people could know that im not a liar... just i think sometimes i feel really really bad and sometimes im ok but i dont really remember these things so i just, i dunno, i dont really know how to make people understand.. i dont have to tell them anything though, thats what has always worked before.. just pretend like nothing is wrong then does that make me a liar anyway? i dunno

but its not just other people that think im a liar... sometimes i really feel like maybe i am a liar.. lately... because of how things are hapening... like, how can this be?
i be really depressed and hurting like that and hurt myself and wake up the next day and be all fine, noot allll fine, but you know what i mean.. kinda like im just ok, and confused, but im ok i guess...
im just worried... time really confuses me.. i guess thats why i try not to think about it so much, but when you post on a forums and it records dates its kinda difficult not to see times you know ..

anyway... atleast i made a song today, another weirdy song