[peaches100]

Why is it so painful and disagreeable for me to become "my own good mother?" I've got C-PTSD, DDNOS, and GAD and have been in therapy for several years. I've made great progress in many areas, but NOT when it comes to healing that part of me that feels like a terrified, abandoned, needy little child who is in some kind of dangerous, life or death situation with nobody around to notice, help, or rescue me.

When I am not being triggered, I realize of course that I am an adult who is capable of standing up to pressure and stress and cope without needing to feel afraid or like I need someone else to protect me. But when I get triggered into that C-PTSD state of mind, the feelings of being helpless, in danger, and terrified are overwhelming!! It is such an awful feeling that I have had a hard time not just dissociating so I don't have to feel it.

My t is working with me on feeling it and learning how to cope, but it sometimes truthfully hurts so much to get into those states that it feels like I am going to die. We have tried EMDR, but it never worked well because I was either too reactive or too dissociative. I've learned lots of coping skills, including DBT, and I understand how to use them, and I practice them.

The problem is when I get triggered into that PSTD panic...then everything I know and have learned (including my normal adult state of mind) just vanishes. I panic and cry and feel like I need my t to protect me at those times. Then, when I come out of it, I feel stupid for having acted so needy and childish! But I can't seem to help it at the time it happens.

My t and I have worked for awhile now on helping me to become my own good mother, to increase communication between parts, and to tone down my critical judgement and be more understanding of what those parts of me need, as well as trying to soothe them when my PTSD triggers happen and those other parts of me react like that. But I always find it very hard to keep my adult mind present when the other parts take over. I also don't feel much motherly-type love for those parts of me. They know it too. And they don't seek me out for comfort. They want my t's comfort.

Somebody please give me some guidance here. When does this get easier? I still have times when overwhelming feelings of feeling separated from my t and needing to be with her and be comforted by her overwhelm me. I find those feelings almost unbearable!! Sometimes if I can "wait it out," the feelings go away later and I can cope fine. But sometimes they don't go away for several hours or even 2-3 days. It's horrible to live with feelings like that. I know t can't be there for me anytime except during my 1 hour per week, and so I usually try not to even email her in between. But the feelings always come back.

Peaches

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Why is it so painful and disagreeable for me to become "my own good mother?" I've got C-PTSD, DDNOS, and GAD and have been in therapy for several years. I've made great progress in many areas, but NOT when it comes to healing that part of me that feels like a terrified, abandoned, needy little child who is in some kind of dangerous, life or death situation with nobody around to notice, help, or rescue me.

When I am not being triggered, I realize of course that I am an adult who is capable of standing up to pressure and stress and cope without needing to feel afraid or like I need someone else to protect me. But when I get triggered into that C-PTSD state of mind, the feelings of being helpless, in danger, and terrified are overwhelming!! It is such an awful feeling that I have had a hard time not just dissociating so I don't have to feel it.

My t is working with me on feeling it and learning how to cope, but it sometimes truthfully hurts so much to get into those states that it feels like I am going to die. We have tried EMDR, but it never worked well because I was either too reactive or too dissociative. I've learned lots of coping skills, including DBT, and I understand how to use them, and I practice them.

The problem is when I get triggered into that PSTD panic...then everything I know and have learned (including my normal adult state of mind) just vanishes. I panic and cry and feel like I need my t to protect me at those times. Then, when I come out of it, I feel stupid for having acted so needy and childish! But I can't seem to help it at the time it happens.

My t and I have worked for awhile now on helping me to become my own good mother, to increase communication between parts, and to tone down my critical judgement and be more understanding of what those parts of me need, as well as trying to soothe them when my PTSD triggers happen and those other parts of me react like that. But I always find it very hard to keep my adult mind present when the other parts take over. I also don't feel much motherly-type love for those parts of me. They know it too. And they don't seek me out for comfort. They want my t's comfort.

Somebody please give me some guidance here. When does this get easier? I still have times when overwhelming feelings of feeling separated from my t and needing to be with her and be comforted by her overwhelm me. I find those feelings almost unbearable!! Sometimes if I can "wait it out," the feelings go away later and I can cope fine. But sometimes they don't go away for several hours or even 2-3 days. It's horrible to live with feelings like that. I know t can't be there for me anytime except during my 1 hour per week, and so I usually try not to even email her in between. But the feelings always come back.

Peaches

I had the same problem due to my system didnt have much in the way of co consciousness. when ever I dissociated into an alter I became that alter's sense of agency... but we discovered something interesting...
sometimes even with out co consciousness things can "filter" through. kind of like how when I dissociate the act of my dissociating filters through to the alters taking control.

my treatment provider explained it this way....how do the alters know when they have to take control... by dissociation. somehow they know when each other or the body born can no longer be in control... even with out co consciousness .....something... is filtering through in order for them to take control or as some people call it switch....it may be a feeling or a need (some sort of trigger causes a person to dissociate, this in turn filters through to the alters to let them know when to take control)

Rather than trying to teach an alter everything is ok, use my systems filter system.. i do everything to mother\self nurture while aware and that will filter through to the alters.

example when storms were happening I would switch into rainy. how did rainy know she had to take control? by my dissociation during storms. so something was filtering through to her ...my feelings, my emotions, my triggers, what was happening in my life like rain storms... even without my and her having co consciousness abilities with each other things were filtering through...

I began setting things in action by talking to her knowing that what I was saying may not reach her. I began curling up in the same spot in the house with a blanket and thinking and saying how comforting this feels. I held toys and talked \ thinking about how comforting this was. I talked \thought about how doing these tings could help during stormy nights...I did all this self nurturing\mothering myself when I was not triggered, not dissociated in hopes that some how some day if would filter through just like what ever it was that caused me to switch into rainy did..

one day after a rain storm I noticed the stuffed lion in the garbage and the stuffed bear in my bed after a rain storm. ok it filtered through that there are now stuffed animals in the house and rainy doesnt like lions, no more lions.

ever time it filtered through to rainy how to self nurture by my leading by example rather than trying to get through to her\ teach her what wanst a part of her sense of agency.

my point...maybe you can try this filtering where while everything is ok you do what you would like this alter to do. and over time it may filter through to them.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

I had the same problem due to my system didnt have much in the way of co consciousness. when ever I dissociated into an alter I became that alter's sense of agency... but we discovered something interesting...
sometimes even with out co consciousness things can "filter" through. kind of like how when I dissociate the act of my dissociating filters through to the alters taking control.

my treatment provider explained it this way....how do the alters know when they have to take control... by dissociation. somehow they know when each other or the body born can no longer be in control... even with out co consciousness .....something... is filtering through in order for them to take control or as some people call it switch....it may be a feeling or a need (some sort of trigger causes a person to dissociate, this in turn filters through to the alters to let them know when to take control)

Rather than trying to teach an alter everything is ok, use my systems filter system.. i do everything to mother\self nurture while aware and that will filter through to the alters.

example when storms were happening I would switch into rainy. how did rainy know she had to take control? by my dissociation during storms. so something was filtering through to her ...my feelings, my emotions, my triggers, what was happening in my life like rain storms... even without my and her having co consciousness abilities with each other things were filtering through...

I began setting things in action by talking to her knowing that what I was saying may not reach her. I began curling up in the same spot in the house with a blanket and thinking and saying how comforting this feels. I held toys and talked \ thinking about how comforting this was. I talked \thought about how doing these tings could help during stormy nights...I did all this self nurturing\mothering myself when I was not triggered, not dissociated in hopes that some how some day if would filter through just like what ever it was that caused me to switch into rainy did..

one day after a rain storm I noticed the stuffed lion in the garbage and the stuffed bear in my bed after a rain storm. ok it filtered through that there are now stuffed animals in the house and rainy doesnt like lions, no more lions.

ever time it filtered through to rainy how to self nurture by my leading by example rather than trying to get through to her\ teach her what wanst a part of her sense of agency.

my point...maybe you can try this filtering where while everything is ok you do what you would like this alter to do. and over time it may filter through to them.

Hi AmandaLouise,

You shared a very interesting experience and idea - something I had not thought about trying. I had to read your post three times before I understood what you mean, but I do now. I will try it! Thank you for sharing this.

Peaches

[ruh roh]

Any talk of being any kind of mother is not something that has ever worked (here--not saying it about anyone else) and is, thankfully, not part of current therapy. What does work, though, is learning to listen to what's needed and not judge or be harsh with whatever it is that's being asked. In a way the therapist has been a model of how to do this and it's been absorbed over time. But honest to god, if there had ever been talk of a good mother, that would not have gone over well at all. I think for some people in therapy, the model of mother is just not going to fly.