[yagr]

I am requesting and gratefully accepting support, encouragement, love, virtual hugs and even (gasp) prayers. In less than twenty hours, after a three and a half year wait, I will be sitting in front of a disability judge. I am terrified. Thirteen days ago I met with my attorney to find out what to expect at the hearing. The last thing I remember about that meeting was when he asked, in reference to a little, "So she's not real right? She's just all in your head?" I came back as we were being shown the door - fortunately without a police escort so I'm pretty sure the rest of the meeting appeared to be acceptable to the lawyer anyway.

When I got home I sent the following e-mail to my T:..oh, if anger triggers you, be forewarned - I was livid.

I spoke with my attorney today. He said that he does not believe that there is sufficient physical findings for disability based on physical issues because, apparently, chronic fatigue syndrome, chronic pain syndrome, chronic kidney disease, coronary artery disease - three heart attacks, degenerative disc disease, hemoptsis, hypertension, intractable migraine with aura, lateral epicondylitis both elbows, myasthenia gravis, neuropathy of both upper extremities, obstructive sleep apnea, radiculopathy w/ lower extremity symptoms, rotator cuff tear both shoulders that cannot be corrected with surgery, tendinopathy both biceps - also unable to be surgically reattached, right knee - isn't anywhere sufficient.

So he's going to go with Sonseearae - period. The entire hearing is going to be composed of discussing her.

Once again, people with too much power over me who are supposed to be protecting me (lawyer) and providing for my needs (ssdi judge) will use that power to traumatize. I am in a very dark and dangerous place. You have my word we will not lose our footing between now and the time I see you tomorrow...but I am in a really, really bad place.

The following is an observation, not a threat - I promise:

There is so much discussion these days about how homegrown terrorists are created. I'll wager a guess. Train someone to become as dangerous as you possibly can [My T knows that I am a combat veteran who served with spec ops]- and then back them into a corner. Exhibit "Me".

I am so angry that I'm losing the ability to feel it.

I will see you tomorrow, and that will get me through tomorrow.

Anyway, the hearing is tomorrow. I've got instructions from the lawyer to read to get ready, questions to prepare for, etc., and can't stay present long enough to do so. I just need to be heard and know that you folks are at the top of the list for likely candidates to understand my fear.

we're with you all the way!.

i'm sure i speak for the entire forum when we say we wish you well.

((((((((hugs))))

we'll pray for you too

btw- nice signiture!.

"my gummy bear died". i'm laughing at that

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by yagr

I am requesting and gratefully accepting support, encouragement, love, virtual hugs and even (gasp) prayers. In less than twenty hours, after a three and a half year wait, I will be sitting in front of a disability judge. I am terrified. Thirteen days ago I met with my attorney to find out what to expect at the hearing. The last thing I remember about that meeting was when he asked, in reference to a little, "So she's not real right? She's just all in your head?" I came back as we were being shown the door - fortunately without a police escort so I'm pretty sure the rest of the meeting appeared to be acceptable to the lawyer anyway.

When I got home I sent the following e-mail to my T:..oh, if anger triggers you, be forewarned - I was livid.


Anyway, the hearing is tomorrow. I've got instructions from the lawyer to read to get ready, questions to prepare for, etc., and can't stay present long enough to do so. I just need to be heard and know that you folks are at the top of the list for likely candidates to understand my fear.

sending good thoughts, prayers and support.

am I right in what your post means... the lawyer believes you are faking and wants you to read up on having this alter and prepare for what ever questions that may come up,?

one thing about disability hearings its not something you can "cram" for like a high school test. short version the questions are going to be all about you and how having this alter has affected all aspects of your life. let me give you an example....

in 2013 what is considered to be a dissociative type alter has changed, what is DID has changed. much of what you find now on the internet contains outdated\ discontinued\ no longer used for what is a dissociative type alter and what DID is, its related symptoms and so on. Even testing and the scoring system for those tests have been changed.

so say someone goes into a disability hearing and the question is what is an alternate personality. and you have crammed and read up on it and found what is now considered to not be a dissociative type alter (there are now many kinds of alters with many different normal mental and physical health problems.) that will get you denied your disability status.

my point with mental disorders there is no such thing as cramming for a hearing or assessment. before you have your hearing they probably have contacted their own treatment providers and specialists so they will know whether you have read up and studied for the hearing. they want to know about you, your alter and such related to you, not what you find in books, movies and the internet.

they are going to want to know your own dissociation problems, your own dissociation process and your own hardships. the centering around this one alter means your lawyer is going to try and focus the questions on things like what the diagnostic criteria for DID is and how you fit or dont fit that diagnosis, presenting your mental and physical health records, test scores that show this alter is a dissociative type alternate personality, all these kinds of things that point to this alter is real and how this alter presents/ her sense of agency, how this alter adversely and positively affects every aspect of your life... things that cant be read up on and faked. those are the kinds of things the review hearing will be looking at that wasnt in \on record before that will help them to change their decision from denying you your disability grant to awarding it to you.

my suggestion is just take a deep breath and not let what you read on the internet influence what you say and do at the hearing because they will be able to see through to what is real and what isnt. you are not the only person with dissociative problems applying and reapplying for disability. they have most likely seen many people who actually have the problems before the courts and many people who dont actually have the problems before the court including past and present access to mental health specialists in the field of dissociative disorders. just breath and be yourself. take it one step at a time.

Sometimes I hurt myself to stay present....is that okay? Good luck.

[ruh roh]

Can you have your therapist there? It sounds incredibly traumatizing for them to trigger you throughout an entire hearing as part of a legal strategy.

[elevatedsoul]

goodluck...

[TrailRunner14]

My heart and thoughts are with you!

I will be praying for you, for strength and being heard and understood.

((( hug )))

[Yours_Truly]

(((((yagr)))))

[kecanoe]

I also hope and pray that it goes well.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

am I right in what your post means... the lawyer believes you are faking and wants you to read up on having this alter and prepare for what ever questions that may come up,?

No. The lawyer does not believe I am faking. Some of the questions he wants me to prepare for are:

1. Work history;
2. Education;
3. Medical history;
4. Symptoms;
5. Your estimate of your work limitations; and
6. Your daily activities.


Pretending for a moment that I can actually remember the first four - that leaves me with numbers five and six. I can't answer number five - I have no idea how. In 2008, I had a massive heart attack. I looked at my watch...forty-five minutes left before my shift at work ended. I finished my shift and had a second heart attack during that time. I went to clock out and my supervisor informed me that 'Joe' was going to be about a half hour late and could I stay. I stayed. Then I drove myself seventy miles to the nearest hospital.

It may be that I'm not the best person to ask what my work limitations are.

As for number six, back before you integrated, how well do you remember your daily routine? Did you have a routine? I certainly don't - or at least I don't think I do. Perhaps every time I dissociate I do the same things that I do when I don't...but I'm not a good one to ask. Basically, I wake up and try to survive the day the best I can. My health dictates what I do that day and because it fluctuates, there is no such thing as normal. Some days I don't have the strength to eat, let alone make something. However, once this month I actually cooked dinner for my wife and I. Three times this month, my wife put pills in my mouth and helped me swallow them because I had gotten too weak to breath on my own and the pills help. So once in thirty days I cook - three times I took meds to breath. Both of those examples are not common but every day there are uncommon things and normal is no longer in my vocabulary or experience.

Originally Posted by amandalouise

one thing about disability hearings its not something you can "cram" for like a high school test. short version the questions are going to be all about you and how having this alter has affected all aspects of your life. let me give you an example....

I have to cram for questions about me.

Originally Posted by amandalouise

so say someone goes into a disability hearing and the question is what is an alternate personality. and you have crammed and read up on it and found what is now considered to not be a dissociative type alter (there are now many kinds of alters with many different normal mental and physical health problems.) that will get you denied your disability status.

my point with mental disorders there is no such thing as cramming for a hearing or assessment. before you have your hearing they probably have contacted their own treatment providers and specialists so they will know whether you have read up and studied for the hearing. they want to know about you, your alter and such related to you, not what you find in books, movies and the internet.

Look, I honestly have no idea how you interpreted my post to mean that I'm trying to fake this but if I was unclear, I apologize. I'm not faking it and frankly, your post is a wonderful example of what has got me terrified. I've never said anything about reading about DID in books, movies and the internet and yet you've gone ahead and made that leap. If YOU can make that leap - so can the judge.

Originally Posted by amandalouise

they are going to want to know your own dissociation problems, your own dissociation process and your own hardships. the centering around this one alter means your lawyer is going to try and focus the questions on things like what the diagnostic criteria for DID is and how you fit or dont fit that diagnosis, presenting your mental and physical health records, test scores that show this alter is a dissociative type alternate personality, all these kinds of things that point to this alter is real and how this alter presents/ her sense of agency, how this alter adversely and positively affects every aspect of your life...

How this alter adversely affects my life? Do you remember your life prior to integration? Because this is a problem for me - if not for you. Imagine you've got your six year old in the room with you and the judge asks you to tell him all the ways she makes your life miserable (adversely affects every aspect of your life). Are you fearlessly going to spout off all the reasons you resent your six year old daughter? And what do you think your life with your daughter is going to look like after you do? No - she's not my daughter - but we're closer than I am with my daughter.

Too, for whatever reason, and my T and I are exploring the subject now, for all my analyzing about every thing under the sun - I don't analyze my relationship with my alter. It's good, and that's good enough for me...and her. Are there hardships? Sure, I suppose so, but we don't frame our challenges as hardships. We frame them as positives and that has allowed us to live in relative harmony for many years.

Originally Posted by amandalouise

things that cant be read up on and faked. those are the kinds of things the review hearing will be looking at that wasnt in \on record before that will help them to change their decision from denying you your disability grant to awarding it to you.

I'm not faking it and am angry and resentful that you made that assumption. My relationship with her is sacred - it isn't up for show and tell. I hired this law firm and they accepted my case based on my physical disabilities over three years before I was diagnosed with DID. I never planned on talking about it with disability, a judge, a lawyer or anyone. Suddenly, the physical disabilities that were more than enough when they agreed to take my case are insufficient??? This isn't about faking it - this is about having to share the most intimate and private parts of me with strangers when I did not sign up for this and wouldn't have agreed to hire the law firm if I knew it was going to come to this.

Originally Posted by amandalouise

just breath and be yourself. take it one step at a time.

Be myself...odd advice for someone who probably won't be fronting for the duration of the hearing. Here's some advice I'd love to have: What do I do when the judge asks me to say more about that and I have no idea what he is talking about because I just disappeared for forty-five minutes? Or when I contradict 'myself' because it wasn't me answering the questions the last time he asked? Or any one of a million things that'll make this hearing turn into a disaster?

Or how about this: My alter cannot and will not stand by idly if she feels that I am being attacked. What you would call her 'sense of agency' is to protect me at all costs and if she thinks that biting the judge will serve that purpose, he's probably going to lose some toes. That'll get us locked up and we will not survive being locked up - been there, done that and it will not happen again.

How can you not see that this is terrifying to me and likely to be traumatic...in spite of not faking it.

[yagr]

Walking out the door to head to the hearing...

[campervanman]

All you can do is tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth!!

`Good luck and take care`

[BipolarMama31]

Good luck! Thinking of you today!

[L.P.]

Im sorry i sent this late. You already out the door. But heres a stuffed dog that i hope will help. Maybe if dog cant help now can help later when you get back? I know out host lady who try to do our disability hearing was still needin help when she got home.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by yagr

How can you not see that this is terrifying to me and likely to be traumatic...in spite of not faking it.

No one here can ever say what others are going through. It's hard enough to live it. If someone has come forward to ask for support, then they deserve all they can get. It's painful to read anyone talking about faking and always telling others that they have some other condition and throwing the dsm around like a bludgeon. If someone has d i d, and their treatment provider has said so, that is a lot more reliable than an anonymous forum with who knows what kinds of motivations. DID is not rare. A lot of people have it and are scared away from getting help. This should be a place of support for anyone who wants it.

I hope it goes well for you today, yagr, or as well as it can go.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by yagr

No. The lawyer does not believe I am faking. Some of the questions he wants me to prepare for are:

1. Work history;
2. Education;
3. Medical history;
4. Symptoms;
5. Your estimate of your work limitations; and
6. Your daily activities.


Pretending for a moment that I can actually remember the first four - that leaves me with numbers five and six. I can't answer number five - I have no idea how. In 2008, I had a massive heart attack. I looked at my watch...forty-five minutes left before my shift at work ended. I finished my shift and had a second heart attack during that time. I went to clock out and my supervisor informed me that 'Joe' was going to be about a half hour late and could I stay. I stayed. Then I drove myself seventy miles to the nearest hospital.

It may be that I'm not the best person to ask what my work limitations are.

As for number six, back before you integrated, how well do you remember your daily routine? Did you have a routine? I certainly don't - or at least I don't think I do. Perhaps every time I dissociate I do the same things that I do when I don't...but I'm not a good one to ask. Basically, I wake up and try to survive the day the best I can. My health dictates what I do that day and because it fluctuates, there is no such thing as normal. Some days I don't have the strength to eat, let alone make something. However, once this month I actually cooked dinner for my wife and I. Three times this month, my wife put pills in my mouth and helped me swallow them because I had gotten too weak to breath on my own and the pills help. So once in thirty days I cook - three times I took meds to breath. Both of those examples are not common but every day there are uncommon things and normal is no longer in my vocabulary or experience.


I have to cram for questions about me.


Look, I honestly have no idea how you interpreted my post to mean that I'm trying to fake this but if I was unclear, I apologize. I'm not faking it and frankly, your post is a wonderful example of what has got me terrified. I've never said anything about reading about DID in books, movies and the internet and yet you've gone ahead and made that leap. If YOU can make that leap - so can the judge.


How this alter adversely affects my life? Do you remember your life prior to integration? Because this is a problem for me - if not for you. Imagine you've got your six year old in the room with you and the judge asks you to tell him all the ways she makes your life miserable (adversely affects every aspect of your life). Are you fearlessly going to spout off all the reasons you resent your six year old daughter? And what do you think your life with your daughter is going to look like after you do? No - she's not my daughter - but we're closer than I am with my daughter.

Too, for whatever reason, and my T and I are exploring the subject now, for all my analyzing about every thing under the sun - I don't analyze my relationship with my alter. It's good, and that's good enough for me...and her. Are there hardships? Sure, I suppose so, but we don't frame our challenges as hardships. We frame them as positives and that has allowed us to live in relative harmony for many years.


I'm not faking it and am angry and resentful that you made that assumption. My relationship with her is sacred - it isn't up for show and tell. I hired this law firm and they accepted my case based on my physical disabilities over three years before I was diagnosed with DID. I never planned on talking about it with disability, a judge, a lawyer or anyone. Suddenly, the physical disabilities that were more than enough when they agreed to take my case are insufficient??? This isn't about faking it - this is about having to share the most intimate and private parts of me with strangers when I did not sign up for this and wouldn't have agreed to hire the law firm if I knew it was going to come to this.


Be myself...odd advice for someone who probably won't be fronting for the duration of the hearing. Here's some advice I'd love to have: What do I do when the judge asks me to say more about that and I have no idea what he is talking about because I just disappeared for forty-five minutes? Or when I contradict 'myself' because it wasn't me answering the questions the last time he asked? Or any one of a million things that'll make this hearing turn into a disaster?

Or how about this: My alter cannot and will not stand by idly if she feels that I am being attacked. What you would call her 'sense of agency' is to protect me at all costs and if she thinks that biting the judge will serve that purpose, he's probably going to lose some toes. That'll get us locked up and we will not survive being locked up - been there, done that and it will not happen again.

How can you not see that this is terrifying to me and likely to be traumatic...in spite of not faking it.

your original post stated the lawyer stated ...

I met with my attorney to find out what to expect at the hearing. The last thing I remember about that meeting was when he asked, in reference to a little, "So she's not real right? She's just all in your head?"

and then you said in your post....
I've got instructions from the lawyer to read to get ready,

my point I was only going according to your own statements that the lawyer did not believe your alter was real and wanted you to read to get read for the hearing. it was not me stating or implying you were faking it. I was actually looking for clarification on whether .....your lawyer... was being such a you know what by saying you were faking. it made me angry that your lawyer would accuse you of faking. and want you to read up on what dissociation is, what alternate personalities are and all that.

thank you for clarifying what you need to read up on because I would have continued to think it was dissociation stuff since you post did not say what he wanted you to read up on\ prepare in advance for the hearing. this is the dissociation forum so I automatically unless someone states in their posts, that everything they post has to do with dissociation disorders, just like when I go to the depression forum I know everything thats being posted is about depression and depression problems,

my point I was actually angry that a lawyer would ask you if your alters were real or not and want you to study up on it.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

my point I was only going according to your own statements that the lawyer did not believe your alter was real and wanted you to read to get read for the hearing. it was not me stating or implying you were faking it. I was actually looking for clarification on whether .....your lawyer... was being such a you know what by saying you were faking. it made me angry that your lawyer would accuse you of faking. and want you to read up on what dissociation is, what alternate personalities are and all that.

Thank you for clearing that up for me. You didn't have to take the time but I'm glad you did. Frankly, I think his comment was based in ignorance rather than calling me a liar...doesn't mean it didn't hit me hard though. He just didn't understand dissociation.

Originally Posted by amandalouise

my point I was actually angry that a lawyer would ask you if your alters were real or not and want you to study up on it.

I'm glad to hear this...me too.

All the best.

[yagr]

Again, I want to thank everyone for their support - you all are amazing. As for the hearing itself, it was a complete disaster from start to finish. I don't find out the results for six to eight weeks but my attorney has already asked me if I want to appeal because it went so poorly.

It is so strange...my primary care physician has threatened me with an involuntary commitment as a danger to myself if he finds out I'm working, because he believes that it will kill me. On the other hand, Social Security Disability just told me that I am not disabled and can work. The next few months should be interesting.

[TrailRunner14]

Thinking of you Yagr. No words of wisdom just a word to say you are in my thoughts and on my heart.

((( soft hug )))

I pray that all goes well for you. In my heart I will believe it will.

[Yoda]

no advice but here is a hug

[TrailRunner14]

I was listening to this and you came to my heart.

I hope it's ok if I share it with you.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by yagr

Again, I want to thank everyone for their support - you all are amazing. As for the hearing itself, it was a complete disaster from start to finish. I don't find out the results for six to eight weeks but my attorney has already asked me if I want to appeal because it went so poorly.

It is so strange...my primary care physician has threatened me with an involuntary commitment as a danger to myself if he finds out I'm working, because he believes that it will kill me. On the other hand, Social Security Disability just told me that I am not disabled and can work. The next few months should be interesting.

if you decide to appeal heres some tips I used in my life for all kinds of things like paperwork, hearings, official forms and all that. this can also come in handy for disability hearings...

work history.... not sure if it works the same way where you are, when ever I had a job I would get pay checks. I would keep those paycheck stubs or a write in a notebook what the check was for and from who, this way I could just open the box and write out my work history. at tax time I would get a paper in the mail from the places I worked at, this paper is needed for filing taxes. I would keep those papers too so that helped in my writing out my work history.

Education... any time I needed my education history I would call my schools and ask them to send me a transcript. and if they needed anything more than that I would sign a paper giving them permission to contact the schools and get the information that they needed.

my medical history was easy. I just what ever company who needs to know my medical history for a medical record form, take it to my doctors and my doctors filled it out..

symptoms .. thats just telling someone what your problems are like if someone asks me what my depression symptoms are I tell them sometimes I feel sad and feel suicidal, sometimes I cant do this or that. I had this infections and that cold and that virus. things like this they just want to know why you are applying for disability.

estimate what your work limitations are.. this is where they want to know what you have a hard time doing when you do have a job. and what kinds of accommodations you need at work example one of my work limitations is answering the phone. because of having MS (Multiple Sclerosis) I sometimes cant pick up my work phone, sometimes I cant do my paperwork or computer work. in order to do my job, my work had to be willing to get a special adaption for my phone and computer. they want to know when you did have a job what things was hard for you to do.

daily activities..make copies of your posts here. many people when they post on here, facebook and other websites they usually include what they are doing or did that day. for formal stuff like disability they will want to know whether you can take a bath or shower by your self, cook your meals, dress yourself, clean your room, and if not what your problems are. those kinds of things that have to be done every day to take care of your basic needs.

[Scotch]

We genuinely hope that all is well yagr.

[Luce]

I am sorry it went so very badly, yagr. It sounds so stressful and demoralizing. HOpe you are doing okay.