[magicalprince]

Anyone else feel like as the host, most of the time you have no feelings?

How can you reconnect to feelings if all your insiders are avoiding you with no explanation? (Other than that they only want to talk to ex T who has cut me off)

Seems like feelings only come out when real-world people trigger different insiders.

[L.P.]

Im not the host but the one we got not doin most the host stuff well she sure thinks she got no feelin most of the time. Sometimes she feel haha about somethin or annoyed but she dont feel lots thats for sure.

I got no help or ideas but maybe somebody else will have good help and good ideas. I wanted to say you not alone.

[finding_my_way]

that seems to be my experience. i guess you'd technically call me the 'host' since i'm who is here all the time...though i don't really call myself that because i am who i am.

but i have wondered if that is normal with DID. most the time, i feel numb or mildly depressed or flat. sometimes, maybe for a few seconds or so, i can feel content/happy which is generally triggered by something positive. otherwise, more things are felt from the others in general whether they are triggered internally/externally or not. it has always confused me. i thought there was more to me...but i also really lack being able to 'like' things like hobby wise even. i wonder if it's related to the lack of feeling too.

i can feel anxiety, sadness, etc. at times though...but generally not much of anything unless/until something is triggered positive or negative.

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by finding_my_way

that seems to be my experience. i guess you'd technically call me the 'host' since i'm who is here all the time...though i don't really call myself that because i am who i am.

but i have wondered if that is normal with DID. most the time, i feel numb or mildly depressed or flat. sometimes, maybe for a few seconds or so, i can feel content/happy which is generally triggered by something positive. otherwise, more things are felt from the others in general whether they are triggered internally/externally or not. it has always confused me. i thought there was more to me...but i also really lack being able to 'like' things like hobby wise even. i wonder if it's related to the lack of feeling too.

i can feel anxiety, sadness, etc. at times though...but generally not much of anything unless/until something is triggered positive or negative.

The bolded part feels super relevant. I have this same problem. I will do things and then it's like, huh, oh yeah, actually I like this thing, or I can empathize and relate with the feelings of other people or certain situations, but those feelings don't stay with me past that moment, and also I quickly forget I had them or what it was like to have them. I noticed that each insider has their own history of the things they feel. And when things trigger them I go, oh, I remember this feeling, I forgot I had it in me. I don't lose time but I do lose emotional time... I lose meaning.

It's like a lot of things happen but most of the time, nothing sticks. Or, I'm not aware of where inside it sticks to, so it doesn't feel like anything has stuck.

I used to be so bombarded by life that I never had the time to slow down and even realize that I kept changing/switching so drastically like that. No co-consciousness. I was just a different person to every outside person in my life and nothing stayed consistent. But I avoided and isolated too much and after long enough of that, once I had gotten really alone, that was when I saw how empty I felt without something or someone else to trigger one of my insiders and make me feel defined.

And I couldn't see a path to a "normal" life of knowing who I am because I didn't know what I felt or which direction I would want to go in. I didn't have any clue what was meaningful to me.

I realized that, just like dissociation protects me from constant awareness of the bad stuff, it also prevents me from remembering the good. When feelings come up, if I don't ever change the original bad circumstances somehow, then they will just go away again.

It's like my insiders are locked inside feeling bad and they stay locked inside because when they come out I feel bad, so I push them away again and avoid the thing that triggered them..

Rather than locking them inside, I have to set boundaries or modify the outside world so it won't feel as bad and my insiders won't have to get locked away again.

But also if I entirely avoid the things that will make them feel bad, then they will never have a reason to come out, and again nothing will change.

I guess that's my problem. I can't always have inner communication because most of the time the inside is quiet and nobody's even around to communicate..

What I'm doing is trying to constantly try new things, however small, even if I feel empty or don't feel like anything at all, I just need to keep trying new things. Even if it's quiet inside. I just force myself to remember that I will probably feel something and it will be helpful in the end as long as I'm paying attention to how the experience goes, whether or not I'm feeling anything. Then while I'm trying new things I can communicate with those insiders who get triggered and hopefully help them realize they don't have to feel as bad.

Sorry if the way I'm writing this is kind of dry and analytical, but... well that's just how I, the host or whatever, am.

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by L.P.

Im not the host but the one we got not doin most the host stuff well she sure thinks she got no feelin most of the time. Sometimes she feel haha about somethin or annoyed but she dont feel lots thats for sure.

I got no help or ideas but maybe somebody else will have good help and good ideas. I wanted to say you not alone.

Thanks L.P. It's good to know I'm not alone.

Just like our memories are fragmented, so are our emotions and feelings. I can't access happiness, joy, sadness...I just work robot like. If something triggers "happy", another will emerge and work will cease. This is our one track mind at work.

[Luce]

Our initial hosty person was quite emotionally bereft. The only thing she really felt was an oppressive depression. All other emotions were handled by different alters.
All I can say about reconnecting with your alters is that 'it won't be forever'.
If ex T has cut you off I wonder if the insiders are keeping their feelings from you as a protection? (because you no longer have that external support)

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by Luce

Our initial hosty person was quite emotionally bereft. The only thing she really felt was an oppressive depression. All other emotions were handled by different alters.
All I can say about reconnecting with your alters is that 'it won't be forever'.
If ex T has cut you off I wonder if the insiders are keeping their feelings from you as a protection? (because you no longer have that external support)

Yes definitely. Actually after writing and thinking about this stuff, I got back in touch with a very important insider who was at the center of the issues with ex T. He had a trauma related transference for her, and I was very conflicted between different feelings from the past vs present.

And you're right. It's because I no longer have that support that he has to stay asleep for now. So lacking that outlet the inner anger is overwhelming and I don't know what to do with it and I have to push it away again.

What's painful is that it keeps coming up and I keep getting this approach/avoidance anxiety. I think about contacting ex T and saying what I feel, thinking if I explained it differently she would understand this time, but then I remember how bad it hurt me last time and I throw out the idea. All I know is if this cycle keeps going on it's going to destroy me. I either need to find a different support figure or recontact ex T and I think the former would be safer but then it's hard to do because as the host I'm just getting by with coping with this emptiness. I forget how bad I need connection.

Man, mistakes in T can really do a lot of unnecessary harm. I wish I could turn back time and fix things.

[Luce]

I wonder if there is an alternative source of support for you? I don't know what happened with your ex t but it sounds like more support would be valuable for you right now. It seems like you're in a really rough place.

[magicalprince]

Originally Posted by Luce

I wonder if there is an alternative source of support for you? I don't know what happened with your ex t but it sounds like more support would be valuable for you right now. It seems like you're in a really rough place.

It definitely would be valuable. I need to work on being able to go, oh yeah, I have these feelings inside and I want (need) to feel seen, accepted, valued and cared for. No more people pleasing and just checking out. Also, no more self-rejecting.

I had a new T but she was very machinelike. She listened but didn't really give any kind of response. I think that is unhelpful too. Idk anymore if therapy is for me. It always seems to be one or the other experience! Over or under involvement.

Appreciate your responses. How are things going for you? Was your hosty person ever able to reconnect more to emotions? I'm curious about what you meant by "it won't be forever." I think I got what you meant but not positive.