[mindwrench]

I've been thinking recently about dissociation and going places as well as driving. In the last 6 months or so the frequency and intensity of my dissociation has got much worse, or I'm more aware of it I'm not sure which. I've generally had anxiety in public places for some time and have had episodes while shopping, or shortly after exiting stores.

I thought today was going better as I did not forget what I went to walmart to get, and stayed aware of the process while in the store (last time I thought I had already left the store and awoke in the store). I picked the bags out of the cart just inside the door and the next moment was outside and a man pushing my shoulder as apparently I was walking into him and he was steering me around him.

I quickly walked away from him and had no clue where my vehicle was parked, or even what kind of vehicle I owned. It didn't seem to matter as I was headed somewhere deliberately. I walked up to a truck I did not recognize and unlocked the door and got in. As I walked up to the truck with keys in hand I remember thinking whoa, whoa this isn't mine. I felt like I was doing something I shouldn't be doing as I got in and closed the door.

I remember looking in the rear view mirror for passengers or kids, dogs, etc. as I seen my hand put the keys in the ignition. I had bought something to drink, and some food at the deli and began getting that out to eat as I tried to reconcile things. I knew it must be okay as I had the keys to the vehicle, and nobody stopped me. Things started to line up as I sat there for a few minutes and I knew it was my truck. I ate my food, hoping to feel more normal before driving home. I had some level of confidence that I knew everything i was supposed to know, but still felt sluggish as I headed for home.

I usually always turn the dash camera on, and I did this time. I reviewed the video and my driving seemed perfectly normal even though I didn't feel right till after I got home.

Things have been really unstable for me for awhile, and the last month has been much worse where sometimes I think my life is a dream and I can't wake up from it. I have a new T that knows about these symptoms and he said it's really serious but he didn't say if it was dangerous for me to go places by myself.

I really don't know how to feel about this, and some of these things seem new, or maybe I just cant tell if what I think has been normal for me is real at all. Last night I walked into a room and for a few minutes I thought the recent past few years were not real, that I lived some other life somewhere else. Then I was back to knowing everything correctly again.

Anyone relate to any of this? Is this psychosis? Dissociation? Or am I in a coma somewhere having weird dreams?

[Skeezyks]

[Scotch]

All of this is pretty deep. You’re very brave for actually completing what you set out to do even though you probably knew how difficult things were going to end up being. Apologize for the said awkwardness of whatever person was using your shoulder. (Hope it wasn’t awkward at all?) Driving for us is a bit strange, we kind of tend to chatter a lot whenever we’re on the road and the host has to calm us down for having a safe trip. (We fortunately haven’t had an accident so we’re good on that.) We’re sorry for the memory loss too though, it gets to everyone. Please don’t stop believing in yourselves (or yourself) You did well today. ♪

[just2b]

I often feel like I am in a dream or that something that happened 5 min ago was like a dream. I depersonalized a lot more I think. I feel I am dissociative more lately, and I tend to stare blankly. It has happened all this past week, even to the point that I have thought of getting cameras set up in two rooms to see how often a d share with T. However last session T saw just how dissociative I've been. She almost called an ambulance.

[Luce]

we have had some stuff like that especially since we have lived in different cities at different times and sometimes some groups of us have only been out in one city and then when they come out in another city it can be very confusing. Sometimes we have had alts around who are from a long time ago and have gotten confused by a new car when in their mind they still have an old one or seeing people that are suddenly looking lots older or when they find themself in a place far away when they last remembered beings somewhere else . and yes we lose the car lots.

[mindwrench]

I know right now as I write this, that I have been having experiences similar to this for a long time. What makes some of these times more distressing to me is that I don't always know or remember that this has been happening, so I think at the time that I'm losing my mind. Last night I got very confused and had a panic attack, some times it is like a switch being flipped off and on and the anxiety peaks each time I come back. I went to ES chat last night and someone talked to me, I don't know who and if you read this then thank you for talking with me I'm sorry I had to leave so fast as I had to run for the bathroom.

I remember yesterday that I lost a moment, and then a man was pushing on my shoulder, I'm guessing I had walked into him or was going to and he steered me around him. I don't know how prolific this is, but I walk into things sometimes every day. I have excellent corrected vision, even better than 20/20. I sometimes walk right into cabinets, door frames, door edges. I always watch where I'm going. Most of this happens at home and i should be able to navigate this house with my eyes closed. I can only assume when it happens that I am losing touch, or coming back from having lost it and my auto pilot navigation of the rooms is disabled momentarily and i run into things.

I said in last nights post that my dash cam was running on the way home, and that I reviewed the video. The dash cam is actually in the glove box of the car, and I haven't recorded driving with it in awhile. There is no way I turned it on, or reviewed video in the truck yesterday, even though I remembered doing it last night. I also remember when I went to bed last night the backs of my hands were scratched up and red like I had put in a 12 hour day working on equipment, but I hadn't. This morning they are not scratched up or red but there are scars everywhere that they were scratched up, like old fully healed from long ago scars.

[kecanoe]

Sounds like dissociation to me, though obviously I could be mistaken. I do know that dissociation while driving is very common in people who do not have a dissociative disorder, and that generally people are safe while driving dissociating.

I get dissociative in stores, less now than I used to, but I know the feeling of walking out into the parking lot and not knowing where I parked or what kind of car to look for. I find it embarrassing. I am blessed with a dog who alerts me most of the time when I dissociate. I highly recommend that.