Dysfunctional Intergration

i had forgot i was going to ask my case manager to help me get records...

i go on the 3rd so hopefully i can remember to talk to her about it...

i think that im just dying... makes me so sad because i have never lived and yet im gonna die young.....

i remember one time the school pulled me aside and gave me a weird test.... i thought it was just an IQ thing because they wanted to skip me a few grades ahead afterwards....

but i quit going to public school in 6th grade so i guess i dont have too many public school records....

i was in a car accident when i was little and hit the windshield hard enough to crack it with my head...
also started using substances when i was 13 years old...
so i probably just have bad brain damage....

E.S. I also had a lot of trouble understanding the results of our latest neuro-psych testing. Like how we tested in Superior Range for Reasoning Skills and Verbal Skills but in the low range in Complex Problem Solving?..One would think that these skill sets would go together..but apparently not? Also I find it completely baffling how Spelling 25th% and Auditory Attention Span 29th % are considered in the Average Range?? To my understanding anything below the 50th% should be below average or low average.. so how could verbal skills be superior if we can't spell and have Auditory attention issues?
The behavioral observations made a bit more sense.. especially considering that the tester told us that he didn't "subscribe" to DID...yes condescending right?! Even tho we already carry the dx.
Behavioral observations highlights include..Word Retrieval Difficulties, disorganized, inefficient approach to complex tasks, mod to severe depression, Negative attitude, anxiety, Symptoms of childhood Trauma, disorganized thought process, Borderline and other unspecified PD traits, agression, possible psychosis, somatic concerns.
Only clear Dx that the tester could/would state is ADHD?? All others were just observations that he felt required further testing. So yeah, I think it's possible we may have some sort of sensory issues as well Auditory, problem solving, and spelling, along with word Retrieval difficulties..but be considered superior in verbal skills?..doesn't make a lick of sense...Also to be considered superior in Reasoning Skills, but observed as Negative, disorganized thought process, anxiety, aggression and PSYCHOSIS! Superior Reasoning and Psychosis seem a bit like an oxymoron to me. I'm no Neuropsychologist, but generally speaking Reasoning skills are high executive functioning and are usually, one would think, an indication of a clear grasp on reality? Correct?...

I get that there is a bias in the testers part. And subsequently would likely make a participant such as myself react "negatively" toward the tester....but agressive?..not I. Though I don't have memory of the whole process. Which according to calender planner was 2 Jr long sessions and 3 3hr long sessions.
But I personally only know own a 1part I would label overtly agressive. 1part that may react aggressively if challanged, and 1, now intergrated, who would have approached the tasks in an "agressive" manner (in the academic over achiever approach.)

Sorry I didn't mean to get so in depth but I have inherited the memories and drive of the over achiever. LOL. It's downright migraine inducing..especially for myself who I always more of a low self esteem wallflower. Never wanted to be noticed for anything. .. covert underachiever.

Maybe you all have better understanding of these kind of tests? Because I just look at it as a portrait of us. All over the map. Highs and lows. A study in complementary opposistion??...If that wording makes any sense?

E.S.-on another note..have you gotten genome testing done?..I found it very interesting that apparently our brain carries a variant genetic marker. This particular mutation that studies have found some possible connections to both high cognitive functioning and early on set dementia ..just another way to possibly figure out some of your sensory difficulties.

Thoughts:
- Verbal reasoning (thinking) is different to spelling, which is encoding symbols. like you can have a gifted child with off the charts verbal reasoning, but who also has dyslexia and can't read. Spelling is just one small part of the whole verbal intelligence thing.
- The psychosis thing may have come from evidence of schneiderian first rank symptoms (things like hearing voices arguing in your head; things coming out of your mouth but 'you' don't say them; hearing a voice call you names; thoughts being 'taken out of your mind' ). People with DID have MORE schneiderian first rank symptoms than schizophrenics do! So that psych - given that he doesn't believe in DID - would attribute any positive answers to those questions to psychosis. (AND he'd be wrong).
- Average is more like from the 25th - 75 percentile (give or take). 50% and above would only cover the top half of the average population. (It's scary to think that half the population has an IQ below 100!). I would think the 25th percentile would be low average though.
- People with high IQ can also have a learning disability. If there is more than a 30 point discrepancy in percentiles in different parts of a test it can indicate a disability. So given that you scored in the superior range in some areas (generally in the 98th%ile and above) and then in the 25%ile in other areas it would indicate some sort of learning disability alongside the high IQ. In your case the psych has labelled it ADHD, which would fit with the types of subscores that are low.

P.S. We also scored similarly. Not in exactly the same areas or ways, but there was much scatter all over the place.
The psych wouldn't give us a copy of our psych report, but I know our new t is getting is as part of our assessment for funding, so I am going to request a copy from her. I find those kinds of things fascinating.

I enjoy test results as well. The whole psychosis thing is a bunch of phooey. I know I'm not psychotic. But I am honest. And a lot of the psychosis geared questions are flawed, as far as I'm concerned. The wording of some of the questions and honest answers don't correlate, Imho. Such as "Sometimes I hear or see things others don't"...well DUH! If taken at face value...who could honestly answer No/false to that?? Another one.."I believe I possess special abilities"..Of course I possess special abilities! Everyone does. That doesn't mean I believe I possess telekinesis!! Not intending to offend any one who does have psychotic breaks. I have the utmost respect for those who live with psychosis. In fact two of my 4 closest loved ones suffer from illness w/ psychotic features. I don't want anyone to miss understand and think I am poking fun...I have lived thru episodes with them and I take their realities very seriously. And it certainly is no laughing matter. Just saying that the questions for tests like the PAI are flawed..especially in this area.
Sorry I wrote this all wrong.

It's not all wrong, it's all right.

my scores were weird too.. and i had never heard of somatization disorder until he dx me with it :/

when i get this insurance i'm going to get as much testing done as possible... worried about the state of my mind

I didn't get somaatization dx..but somatic concerns???
I'm still not certain if the tester is concerned or thinks I am/ voiced concerns??

I think on the DDIS or the MID or something we scored in the category of somatization disorder as well.
Which I read often goes hand in hand with DID, because the dissociation of physical aspects of experience (abuse) can cause physical flashbacks in all parts of the body (pain, disconnection, numbness, etc) or negative physical dissociative symptoms such as loss of sight, hearing sensation, non-registering of pain etc. So the somatization disorder isn't necessarily a separate thing entirely, but is simply dissociated physical symptoms that are a part of the dissociative disorder ... even though you might have the diagnostic criteria for it.
DID is s freaking fascinating!!

I don't know if I'd call it fascinating...more like . (FML)
But whatever it is and it's all a mess now. I don't know who I am ever nothing is really real I don't think I'm even really real, I don't even know who or what I am or where or when or WHY??!!!!!
It just numbness nothing. I don't feel like any thing. Most the time now...and everything I thought I knew everything I thought was real...gone. Probably never was what I thought he was they were..I never had any thing never did a single thing good right worthwhile...so there is just nothing..stare into a black void.. I think I remember it was always there..I always,saw it...but idk...our don't know anything...just a robot ghost thing now...just stare.when sound gets in I do what it instructs. Then stare at the black...just wait...I just keep waiting..nothing else left to do..nowhere to go..could go anyway...don't remember how...nobody is all was ever constant..that's all that's left that there is nobody we are nobody nobody is coming to get us help us save us this is nowhere and we are nobody never were nothing but nobody and dark alone sit stare numb wait...Idk what for but be still silent stare wait dark nobody...

You know, there are parts of us that find it fascinating (me) and parts of us that experience more as you do. You (and they) got the raw end of the deal. But you guys do such an important job... you hold stuff like that so that other parts can function and do things that are necessary to get on in this world. I know that sucks so much for you, but it was so, so important in getting everyone through to the part of life where things can start to get better.
And they can. And they will. And then you too can begin to enjoy some of the things that you have enabled others to do for so long.
You are so very, very important.

I don't think we have ever been truly integrated in that some or all of us have merged into one superalter or anything like that. The closest thing we experience is one alter being in almost complete control for a long time, sometimes months. Or in the case of the host years with only minor changes in control that lasted less than an hour to just a few seconds.

So sick. Sorry. Thanks.