memory stuck on reset

does anyone else feel like their memory is stuck on reset?

its like being on a balance beam that shakes, trying to balance a plate on both hands standing on 1 leg, under a waterfall, and trying to keep the memories on the plates without them being washed away or falling off...

so here i go, is it another day? or has it only been a few moments?
what i wonder, are the things i wonder... to think about what it is i think about... to try to reminisce the things i have forgotten...
have i just been sitting here? no that cant be, the calendars pages melt away... the sun sets and moon rises, i know time must be passing...
but oh how it feels to stand still, am i wilting? no... there is an illusion, my reality that lives for me... oh how it is to balance on a beam... if only i were allowed to fall off and let someone else take over the job...

how i wish time could flow correctly with me, instead of being locked outside of the time flow... where memories are not cherished, but abolished... where ones mind does not compute... danger danger, but nothing else moves... a threat perceived is not a threat received... but telling the mind that does no good, the water fall of pain and misery ever washing upon me... washing away time, memory, and misery...

salut, i drink to you; oh great balance beam -- now back to forgetting

its like making music, how do i do that?
love them songs, gotta do that more!

boom boom hehe

I just sit down sometimes when I feel good enough to do a song and it comes out, other times its impossible!

I wish I could do it all the time buahahahaha, so much fun to just play loud music

when ever I have felt this way my treatment providers called it psychosis, delusions. and also part of my having the physical health problem called MS. their reasoning is that because dissociative amnesia doesnt come with planning or fearing the loss of memories, trying to hold on to the memories, or trying to keep the memories from sliding away. here in my location most that I know dont notice things like memories fading, sliding away, its just gone and not realize that memory is gone unless a situation points out that a memory isnt remembered like having a conversation with a friend and they remember something I dont kind of thing.

also another reason why my treatment providers call worrying about what I know now slipping away being psychosis and delusional thinking or part of my MS is because I have always had dissociative amnesia since very early childhood (part of DID is not remembering things) so any dissociative memory problems never bothered me, it was just my normal.

now that I am integrated I do sometimes worry or have trouble balancing what I know know due to everything that the alters were and knew is now mine...

also some times my medications can cause me to sit and constantly have intrusive thoughts over and over again about time, calendars, and my ocd ruminations over things like you posted.

my dissociative problems were not focused on things like time, space, calendars, trying to remember things I did not remember. short version in me dissociation was going numb, spaced out and automatically not remembering. one time my treatment provider and I had a wonderful conversation over if I ate a lemon then because it was traumatic and my mind dissociated it would I then miss eating that lemon. lol of course not I would be thinking I should go get a lemon and see how it tastes. not I wonder how that lemon I cant remember ever eating tasted.

my therapists challenge to me on this issue was... think of an activity that you know you have never done (sky diving) now think about and describe how it actually felt to do that. its impossible. I could .....imagine, and think over and over again how it .......might have felt.... but theres no way to actually know unless I go out and go sky diving.

thats what my thoughts on time and memories was like since I didnt actually remember those things my mind had no choice but to ....imagine and obsessively think on those things. (which is a symptom of my bipolar disorder, OCD and other non dissociation disorders and physical health problems)

dissociation wise since dissociation problems in me was my normal I never worried or obsessed on them.

my suggestion is if this continues to bother you contact your treatment providers. they will be able to diagnose which of your mental disorders this problem is and also evaluate whether any physical health problems are going on that can also cause this kind of thing.

When there was no awareness. And nobody questioned us. Then time was irrelevant and if something not remembered was brought up..either triggered part that did remember to respond or was just chaulked up to regular out forgetfulness. The mind has a way of filling in gaps with most plausible explaination. Much like how outsides will assume any other explanation before they would try to fathom a DD. Our minds will do the same when faced with accounts unknown. Nobody remembers every event second of their lives so to say huh! I don't remember that is not abnormal seeming. When we started to become more self aware..then some parts would be very anxious about time and gaps in. Some watch the clock like it's the best thing on TV. Lol... others of us. We just accept we come do our jobs and leave until needed again. But I think those of us who spend more time in front worry the most. Because we feel responsible to hold the fort especially in times of chaos and transition where things can get unpredictable. The stressful situation we personally are facing currently. I try my best to hold my ground up front. The nature of the situation is similar to another previously experienced and the part who's job it was to handle that situation doesn't see any difference. The triggers are similar..but as I am the part most invested in the current situation...I don't see it the same and though there is conflict, I see a different solution for a different outcome. The part that I am trying my best to hold at bay, by using every ounce of energy and grounding techniques I have at my dispoable, is only trying to do its job but can not see anything past her black and white cut and dry, judgement and sense of justice. Which is what that part does deals with the scariest of triggers by striking back uncaring without remorse because that part is an abusive protector type. Her sense of agency is vengeance and anger. Half abuser she thinks and views like an abuser but half protector she user her abuser half to turn the tables ,fight fire with fire so to speak,on those perceived to be abusing us. I was an ANP now mixed part. My main sense of agency is sexual protector. I function as a sexual surrogate to protect the parts who are traumatized by sexuality. But as things started changing slowly more Co conscious...I am mixed now with some memories and feelings of my "charge" my former EP counterpart. Who needs to feel loved as we did not have our emotional needs met in childhood, but is terrified of intimacy on even the most basic level. So now I see my job as not only to protect her but also the outsiders we love...I miss feeling numb sometimes...love really does hurt. sorry I went off on my own stuff there..but it is fully consuming my thoughts and actions atm. ~S♡☆

i would thought if it was psychosis then the many pills they had me on would of helped

sometimes i wish i was bipolar so treatment could be more simple.... stabilze mood and manage psychosis and just live life...

i dunno how my posts sound.. as i do avoid re-reading them because it just makes me feel funny... like, i just dont remember very much stuff at all, i dont know how to put it into words.. i wish i did... thats why i get obsessive sometimes i guess and go on those binges where i have to just soak up as much information as possible...

its not so much that im worried about forgetting things, not in the sense that i ruminate over the serious impairment with my memory... but i do worry because its my life, im 27 years old, and who am i? what do i have to show for this ? i feel pathetic, waste of space, i dont have any memories... i dont have a child hood or teenage years... i dont even have my adult years because stupid **** wont stop happening...

i worry because i keep waking up and its another day, some other day, same ol BS'....
at this rate i'll wake up and be on my death bed, feeling the same ***** way
but will i even realize it? because i cant realize it now... imagine? i have a huge imagination... but i draw blanks...

i've talked to them about my memory and they haven't said much about it yet... my therapist just says to try to focus on grounding skills and stuff because im forgetting everything anyway, i dunno what she thinks but when i see her again ill ask her if i can remember to... what she thinks i should do about my memory...

im just so depressed, life is so hard

i wish i could find out what is my problem soon... not fun running in the dark all alone...

im starting to think its schizophrenia, but why doesnt the medicine make it better?
how does one get tested for MS?

honestly, i think im dieing...

sometimes it takes time to find the right medications, and combinations of medications that help.

Testing for MS (multiple Sclerosis) is a very long process. short version MS is a very physically (not mental disorder) painful disease where a persons nerves lose their protective covering called myelin. since a human beings body has millions upon millions of nerves through out the body and spine there are very expensive and lots and lots of tests to go through including but not limited to things like brain scans, spinal taps, bloodwork, nerve conductivity tests (think shock therapy but in each group of muscles and nerves through out the body and spine to measure all kinds of things with electrodes / needles...) ENT (ears nose throat) special tests and much much more. it took me about 2 years to complete the whole process because as the results of one batch of tests came in more were added.

((((E.S))))
I can relate to how you feel.. it's hard mucking thru all the noise and the disorganized mess inside ..Not that I always have a say in it but that's partly why I prefer to be in front as much as possible...Its easier to block the rest out...on a good day atleast...and I hate being in up in there it's so loud!! So many voices all talking over each other stuck on their own crazy!

I also think I'm dieing sometimes too...that's the rub..I guess..especially being a mixed part...inside too loud outside too painful...no peace anywhere some days

From my experience and understanding......

When an other takes over through a slow switch and being aware for the moment in between while co-conscious ....it's like my memory goes blank because the next up has enveloped the mind space and I'm lingering. But to the main cerebral... the conscious stays active so that our essence is pulled back and now we are watchers. To say...when we go back...we are participating observers but not in conscious because conscious always stays forward with the one up. We have time loss...but not in the classic sense of going into lala land....our system is aware but yet not. Lets say the lights never go out.

So, as a collective to the conscious mind (in it's own ongoing living) which never darkens but passed on from one to the next...it's like playing 'hot potato'...our mind is a potato being tossed around controlled by the hands of us Others...lol

ill try to explain what i experience... i hate trying though because it never works...

so, its like im stuck inside... i dont get to register events happening, i get to watch everything for the most part... even use the body, although its not much what i care to do... using the body is just hard work... so i feel stuck inside, but always present... but not present in the sense that im here, grounded, aware and functioning..

my memories are very sporadic... often times i just simply say i dont have memories, i dont remember what i was doing very much, 5 minutes ago, much less yesterday, or last week/year....
but there are hints to what i've done, and whats been going on...

often times i just play along with people around me so that i can milk information from them to piece together enough information to keep myself from looking too stupid or feeling too bad where i just get super depressed and wanna die because what kind of life is this to live?

so here i am... writing from the inside, although feeling severely disconnected

looking through the looking glass, thinking of 2 songs- no one knows what its like, behind blue eyes...
and outside looking in...

does that follow? make any sense ?

one time I explained it something similar to what you posted in this post. my treatment provider took the time to explain some definitions to me. one was the definition of being stuck as it relates to mental problems...

in the sense of DID alters take control, if they are able to take control then they are not stuck... an example used with me and my therapist was squeeze your hand into a very small jar to where you cant move your fingers or hand at all, cant move into or out of the jar. thats what being mentally stuck is in psychological terms... catatonic, not thinking, not doing, not moving, not reading, not writing, not typing nothing just frozen in place.

my treatment providers point was that I was not "stuck" and my alters were not "stuck" I may have been depersonalized or co conscious (dissociated to the point of not being in control of the body or movements but still aware of what is going on, some people call this tunneling, distancing, disconnection, separated, perception, pov (point of view) back seat driving, ... I and my location uses the term co conscious.

once I understood what co consciousness was things got easier. in fact after developing co consciousness with that alter, that alter integrated became one whole person with me. because there was no longer a reason for that alter to be separated from me not part of me any longer.

I was rereading your posts with the terms co consciousness and integration as my location uses them and to me it sounds like you may very well be at the end of your healing process where the alters are preparing to integrate, become one whole person with you again. mind you this is not a diagnosis just a guess based on how things are in my own location. to find out for sure what this problem is in you, you will need to talk with your treatment providers who can tell you what your diagnosis's are and how this problem pertains to them and whether your alters are integrating, becoming one whole person with you.