[elevatedsoul]

curious minds wonder...
if i don't remember things, does that mean that its just gone?
or is it just locked away in a file deep in the back of my mind?
or is it a part holding memories?
or....

well, im just not understanding why my memory is so messed up...
i asked my T if maybe i had a stroke, or a few strokes... she said she didnt think that was the case but im not convinced...

i think my brain is broken... bad memory isnt supposed to be this bad...
i hate not being able to understand something...

is this even amnesia...? what if im just in a coma and its those weird coma dreams you get..?

what if im just brain dead or have brain damage from some traumatic brain injory... or a clot...

im trying to be ok with being broken... but it hurts deep... yet im having hard time even remaining present aware enough to understand whats happening around me, finding ways into trances,, bah... embarrassing when you realize everyone is staring at you, waiting on you, and you are just like, huh? whats going on here? not realizing how long has passed... and i guess it seems like a joke to people

sorry.. rambling.. i just cant understand how my memory works... (doesn't work)

[elevatedsoul]

i used to ask when i was young as well... because it seemed like my memory was different from others... but people just told me i think too much and that im normal...
but im older now and i know that its different some how... its broken

[mindwrench]

I can relate to what you experience. Sometimes I don't know what is real, or when or where I am. I have wondered too at times if I am in a coma and dreaming. It sounds a whole lot like dissociation. It is unnerving, and can really upset the balnce of everything when it happens a lot.

Are you working with your T on it?

[elevatedsoul]

im not even sure what the T and i are supposed to be working on...
i know she's not really that experienced with this though... i mean she's not bad but i dont want to stress her out..

[mindwrench]

Here is a good video on dissociation. Her channel has a lot of good information.

[elevatedsoul]

i have watched a lot of her videos, she's likeable

my latest DES score: 97
can't be right..

Yea, I got a rotten memory, too. It's finally helpful to know that it wasn't me cooking dinner last night. I know dinner was cooked..what, how and when is a mystery from the time I clocked out of work to till this morning.

Sometimes even the stuff I did got shuffled around. I use to blame it on marijuana but I done quit all that...then the lsd...xtc...shrooms...meth...coke...and now alcohol.

I have brain rot.

[elevatedsoul]

My brain is rotten too

[elevatedsoul]

well, i wouldn't say its rotten...

but the defects are there

[elevatedsoul]

geez... my brain really must be rotten...
this is why i dont read old posts....

post the same ol same ol over and over and it must be damn annoying to other users here...

At one time I kept a small notebook with me at all times.I would write in it about once every hour,would write what I was doing and what I was feeling(I didn't do it on my phone or anything because I wanted to see my handwriting).

At first it was inconsistent,I would forget to write in it,but as I did it more it became a habit.I was able to learn alot about myself and what was causing little(or big) time gaps,things that were triggering me.

I used to think I was being abducted by aliens or something because that was the only logical explanation I could come up with for the time gaps,like I would sit down to smoke a cig,light it up then suddenly it was down to the filter and I would think WTH just happened?

Poly effing fragmentation.

A mind in bits and pieces. Memories that seem to disappear in the toilet seems to resurface later with an Other. I ain't stupid....just fragged which pisses me off.

[elevatedsoul]

i hate this amnesia stuff... i want so bad to be able to say "hey, look what i did today! yesterday!! last week!! wooot i had a good year last year because i did this!!"
blahblahblahblah

but i dont have anyone that understands because n o o n e c a n u n d e r s t a n d

[Luce]

Jeez, don't worry so much about yesterday, last week, last year whatever. Consider this: yesterday you were probably trying to think abut what you did the day before. The day before that you were probably trying to think about what you did last week. No wonder you can't remember what you did.
Whatever happened yesterday is been and gone anyway. What purpose does it serve to remember it? The only moment that matters is NOW, and if you spend NOW struggling to remember what you did this morning, yesterday, last week, last month, then the only thing you will ever remember is the struggle to remember.

[elevatedsoul]

lol yeah
but i dont really spend alot of time on it... it just is

it just makes me feel bad when people ask me things like "what did so and so say to do earlier?"
"how long ago was it when they left" "do you remember what they said last week about this important thing?"
you know?

[finding_my_way]

Originally Posted by Luce

Jeez, don't worry so much about yesterday, last week, last year whatever. Consider this: yesterday you were probably trying to think abut what you did the day before. The day before that you were probably trying to think about what you did last week. No wonder you can't remember what you did.
Whatever happened yesterday is been and gone anyway. What purpose does it serve to remember it? The only moment that matters is NOW, and if you spend NOW struggling to remember what you did this morning, yesterday, last week, last month, then the only thing you will ever remember is the struggle to remember.

totally agree. years ago, i had so much dissociation and time distortion that not remembering a lot wasn't even a concern because so much was going on in general that i didn't even know about it. being conscious enough now to realize there is a time distortion is interesting to me.

while it can confuse me and concern me at times, it's not like i can change it, and they aren't huge things that i need to remember anyway. i'd be MORE worried if i could not remember significant events as opposed to the smaller everyday details that my brain doesn't have the capacity to hold to remember. short-term (and long-term) memory issues have always been part of my life due to many, many things (not just dissociation), so it's my normal.

i don't know when it's called amnesia or just regular forgetting though. it seems to be a grey area with that depending on the person and their 'normal' memory processing.

it only gets me when i'm a day or few ahead or behind or don't know what month or year it is (but time just is irrelevant in general it seems). i constantly have to look at the computer or phone to figure out the date just so i'm kind of on the same page as it (time, i mean).

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Poly effing fragmentation.

You have polyfragmented DID(100 or more insiders)?

[elevatedsoul]

i cant remember important things... or small things...

[Luce]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

lol yeah
but i dont really spend alot of time on it... it just is

it just makes me feel bad when people ask me things like "what did so and so say to do earlier?"
"how long ago was it when they left" "do you remember what they said last week about this important thing?"
you know?

it just is. No need to feel bad about it. the story of my life is saying to others "Sorry - I don't remember that." People are so used to my non-rememberings they don't question it. I am sure it irritates the hell out of them though. But what can you do? You don't remember what you don't remember.
Just gotta roll with the punches and keep on trucking.

[flockpride]

Ah the memory crap. I hate not being able to remember things at will.Keeping busy with projects helps. Then I can focus on what is at hand rather than what I cannot remember. It has always been this way. Super busy my whole life. Stuff fell apart when I had a little room from business. Now, I focus super hard on creative projects.