[elevatedsoul]

I just wanted to apologize for writing, because I'm going through a really hard time with a lot of stuff happening in life that is sort of re-traumatizing, and because I'm so confused that I find most of the stuff I'm writing doesn't make much sense or is contradicting itself in some form..

I'm going to try to control it.. Must remain focused..

I hope that I haven't made myself look like a big idiot. I'm sincerely lost and this is the most difficult thing I've ever had to even attempt to deal with, and it feels like I'm all alone with it..

I'm so tired of being ashamed and embarrassed..

All I can say is somethings got to give, but I want to maintain my dignity as I fall face first into the quicksand.. It's scary and we gotta figure out a healthier more private way of figuring this out..

Thanks for being kind, very compassionate group of peoples, I've never felt more welcomed; even though I spew a lot of nonsense

[Fuzzybear]

[casualdivision]

No need to apologise . You commented on my post the other night saying it was ok that i put it there, i really appreciated that, its also ok that you write stuff here too x

[TrailRunner14]

((( hug )))

No need to apologize! It's great to have this place where people can relate and understand. Sometimes it just gets so hard to sort out and understand what's going on by ourselves.

[Luce]

You have done nothing to apologize for!

[elevatedsoul]

i dont feel very good... dizzy from all this...

i wish it would stop... i wish i wasnt being so triggered...

scary stuff happening... alot of stress... scared my 2 yr old niece is being abused... a bunch of stuff... im overwhelmed and it keeps getting worse... scared im going to break... snap... i dont wanna breakdown...

that why i been hoping to get disability... atleast then it would help with some things and it would open some doors for further options... but im scared they are just gonna deny it again... my life is falling apart and i cant stop it... im falling apart...

i just wanna be happy... why is that so hard...

im afraid no one can help me... afraid its not going to get better... and im already so tired... exhausted...

i gotta figure out some how to fix this... gotta figure out how to communicate better with the doctors... its just so hard... i try hard to convey whats happening but i fail everytime because im not able to talk about stuff... or because i dissociate or something... my last pdoc messed things up bad by making me not trust them at all since the way he treated me...
working on trust with the therapist but thats hard too and she doesnt prescribe the medications so its almost making me feel like im wasting my energy....
but im trying to get her to talk with the doctor for me and try to explain things the way i explain them to her...

i dunno... i just want to hide because im so ashamed and embarrassed...
contemplating if i should just stop coming to this forum for a while... but i feel like its the only thing that has helped keep me from going mad... besides therapy of course... but coming here is something i can do throughout the day and therapy is just something i get to do for like an hour every 2 weeks usually...

i just feel like im imposing here sometimes... or an imposter... maybe i have imposter syndrome hehe...

well.. im trying to stay busy and stay out of bed... although i just feel like hiding in the bed... away from everything and everyone, so no one can trigger me and no one can judge me...

why do i have to be so complicated... its so depressing...