Wanting to end it all

ACrystalGem · 12:27 PM

Trigger Warning: Suicidal Feelings

I've had suicidal feelings as a background noise for my entire life. My first attempt was aged 8. I tried a lot more during my teenage years & when I ran away from my abusive family.

Over time I've found myself more isolated - not having a family when you're black is a big taboo. The communities & spaces I tend to move in are for oppressed groups and LGBT, all of which are very, very white. So racism has been a huge problem. I still have very few friends & only 2 or so that I'd call close.

Last night I was twitter talking at length about racism in LGBT scenes. I didn't get a single response - just silence. I went to bed feeling suicidal in a very strong way. This morning I feel a quiet acceptance that I want to end my existence, but I wondered if one of my alters could just permanently take over instead. They probably wouldn't make a mess of things the way I have. Larry is one of my alters who could do the job - he's aggressive and stands up for himself, even though he's been sexually abused too.

I just feel like I cannot go on. I want to not be here, but I don't want to kill (all of) myself. I don't know if this makes any sense. I'm just hurting.

anais_anais · Apr 22, 2017, 08:40 AM

I'm sorry there was no one there to hear and see you when you needed it, and fwiw I'm glad you're still here. The work you are doing is really important and those communities need more voices like yours.

Maybe Larry could help you out just a little? Like in standing up for yourself? That is why they are here, to help out when it's too much for us... I learned that each of mine have a special skill, recently I can use those skills once in a while without losing myself fully into the other person.

amandalouise · Apr 22, 2017, 12:23 PM

unfortunately there isnt much we can do online to help out with this because active suicide situations are not something this site will allow us to do a lot of posting and replying about. also I have learned if someone online really wants to die theres nothing I can do about that. I am not in their off computer life, most times we dont know the locations of those who are suicidal so getting them real help is impossible. Sometimes I feel so helpless and it sometimes triggers my own suicidal thoughts when I read active suicide posts... which is why I usually stay way from them... but this caught my eye this morning....

there is a gray box at the bottom of each page here on psych central. you click on it and a page comes up full of emergency numbers. maybe this will help.

Also contacting your own treatment providers (a medical doctor, therapist or psychiatrist...) and they can help you to set up a plan for these active suicide times. I know my treatment providers are very helpful when ever I start thinking about suicide.

Apr 23, 2017, 08:16 AM

We have alters that are sui in nature...the pain that they must carry....but for them to die is for all of us to die- that's not allowed and that's not going to happen.

I wish that I can just hug them all and say that it's going to be all right... but some of them is so grieved that they just can't hear me.

Claritytoo · Apr 23, 2017, 07:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anais_anais

I'm sorry there was no one there to hear and see you when you needed it, and fwiw I'm glad you're still here. The work you are doing is really important and those communities need more voices like yours.

Maybe Larry could help you out just a little? Like in standing up for yourself? That is why they are here, to help out when it's too much for us... I learned that each of mine have a special skill, recently I can use those skills once in a while without losing myself fully into the other person.

I hope things have gotten a little better for you since you posted this. I recently moved and had no one here to talk to about my thoughts. I was in a deep depression. I started to see a social worker so I would have human contact. I was concerned about my mood. At first I went to see her just to hear myself talk. I have been to see her six times. Slowly she has been able to help me to look at my life in a better light. That has helped my depression. You need to talk to a counselor about what is on your mind. You will feel less alone and you will be able to discuss your thoughts with someone who will be compassionate. I wish you well.