[Nikki O.]

So I'm not sure how to word this. I have all kinds of thoughts and feelings going around in my head. My anxiety and disassociation has gotten a lot worse starting from last Sunday, where it all seemed to go down hill. Saturday I was so ecstatic and happy to go shopping and spend the night at my sister's house. Then Sunday we all went back to my house but I was just so tired and pissy but I tried my best to force myself to do the activities instead of hiding out in front of the tv. In the end I ended up being a total ******.

It seems like since then things got worse, (not sure if it is even relevant).
Here's the list of things that have gotten worse and have been making me feel overwhelmed (feeling really reluctant to make this list! >.< Also, look at my profile BIO for my quick explanation of what had started all my problems, might be helpful?);

1. Paranoid. I work midnights at an Assisted Living and I'm afraid of the dark. I think I see things in the reflection of windows or anything shiny and I think it's a made up dark creature trying to kill me. Or I see something in the corner of my eye and my mind makes up a disfigure face (usually) or dark body.
I deal with it by distracting myself, pushing it away, and keeping all the lights on. I feel like I'm on high alert.

2. Disconnected. Sometimes things feel flat out unreal, looking in the mirror/down at my body, objects, at work my residents, I'm finding it hard to connect with reality when I'm with them. Makes it hard to feel how they feel and put myself in their place to figure out the best way to handle their situations.
When I woke up tonight it just all seemed off. The visuals and sounds, more like soundlessness. It sounded too quiet and it was just too dark outside. Nothing seemed right. Before I went to bed I was having bad anxiety and auditory hallucinations.
Dealing with it; I just try to ignore it because I have a job to do and distract myself. (Someone told me to use essential oils for a smell distraction but I forgot to buy some though it would probably help since I have a good sniffer)

3. Forgetfulness. This one is really bothering me. It's not as upsetting as the other ones but it can make me feel upset. This weird forgetfulness is normal for me, it's almost like a forewarning sign that my anxiety is about to get worse.
So examples; finding it hard to name objects like the wrong name comes to mind, I seem to like to call things toilets like the refrigerator or garbage bin >.< Names of colors, I spit out around 2-4 wrong colors before I get the right one.

Forgetting what I'm doing. For example (this is what happened before work tonight) I go to my bedroom for something then think of the thing I need. I walk through the living room, through the kitchen, past the bathroom, and into the front room (final room) and stop suddenly realizing something is wrong. I couldn't remember what I needed. I stood there for a bit and remembered I needed something in the bathroom. Go in there and still couldn't remember what I needed. Then I remembered it was de-odorant about 25 minutes later after I gave up.

Forgetting an important thought; this is the one that makes me upset. So about 2 months ago I finally decided I had enough of this memory that affects me daily. It's a very personal one that I still haven't come to terms with and I don't feel ready to tell anyone. But, I had this moment where I was being swamped by the thoughts of it and I was like, "No I've had enough!" and I fiercely thought, "I'm gonna accept this!" and then the memory/feeling/emotional thought that I was going to accept was just gone. After that, It made me aware of how often it happens. I know it happens daily, this coincides with my mind making things up where I remember that moment of realization, but not so much of all the times after that. An example of making things up like seeing a really cool creative drawing or tv plot and realizing, "holy crap I totally thought of this idea a couple years ago!" Feels 100% real but my inner voice is like, no that is literally impossible so shut up. Or sometimes I think that the new things I see on tv or read or hear about are a dream I had the night before etc.

Now I'm flashing back and forth between "I'm fine, I don't need to see a therapist or doctor, I can manage this. I'm just being overly dramatic. People deal with worse." to "I need to get in to make an appointment sooner than later to start the process of getting a therapist. I need help." These thoughts are really confusing to write down because there are SO many levels to it. But, it feels like I am forgetting about all the poop that happened just a half hour ago before I switched to the, i'm fine card.

Sorry this is so long. These are a few of the things that are bothering me and make me want to cry. I don't know if i'm getting sick or something since I've been feeling more dizzy than normal, having a hard time breathing, heaviness, and stumbling/clumsiness more than normal. So yeah, thanks for reading if anyone actually makes it to the bottom heh... I'd love to hear your input or anything to help make me feel like I'm not in this alone...

[Solnutty]

A lot of this sounds like things I've experienced during times of stress

[Nikki O.]

Originally Posted by Solnutty

A lot of this sounds like things I've experienced during times of stress

Makes sense because I am very ready to be done working at this job. This anxiety is making wish I would have put in a 2 week notice instead of being nice and doing a month notice -.- We are short on midnight workers so when I leave who is gonna be doing my 40-48 weekly hours...

[Solnutty]

You have a hard job. I used to work at a treatment center for teens. I did the same thing when I left. Lots of panic attacks and I took a long time to leave. It had just gotten too stressful and I couldn't do it anymore. It began to effect my physical health too.

[Nikki O.]

Originally Posted by Solnutty

You have a hard job. I used to work at a treatment center for teens. I did the same thing when I left. Lots of panic attacks and I took a long time to leave. It had just gotten too stressful and I couldn't do it anymore. It began to effect my physical health too.

WOW, for teens!? That sounds like an extreme handful. I was in a Group Home for a month for a psych eval... It was the worse place for someone like me. Everyone was so dramatic and wanted to punch everyone!

My resident just sent me into a panic attack a couple hours ago... i'm very scared of the dark and to make the story short he turned off all the lights on me despite me telling him "please don't turn them off i'm VERY scared of the dark."

How long did you work there? What kind of job do you have now?

[Solnutty]

I worked there for almost five years. And yep, they were very dramatic and there were plenty of physical altercations. There were 25 residents, but I didn't have to stay the night. Now I work with little kids doing behavior therapy. It's much easier! Only a couple hours at a time and only one kid at a time!

It sounds like that resident was trying to get you going.

Originally Posted by Nikki O.

So I'm not sure how to word this. I have all kinds of thoughts and feelings going around in my head. My anxiety and disassociation has gotten a lot worse starting from last Sunday, where it all seemed to go down hill. Saturday I was so ecstatic and happy to go shopping and spend the night at my sister's house. Then Sunday we all went back to my house but I was just so tired and pissy but I tried my best to force myself to do the activities instead of hiding out in front of the tv. In the end I ended up being a total ******.

It seems like since then things got worse, (not sure if it is even relevant).
Here's the list of things that have gotten worse and have been making me feel overwhelmed (feeling really reluctant to make this list! >.< Also, look at my profile BIO for my quick explanation of what had started all my problems, might be helpful?);

1. Paranoid. I work midnights at an Assisted Living and I'm afraid of the dark. I think I see things in the reflection of windows or anything shiny and I think it's a made up dark creature trying to kill me. Or I see something in the corner of my eye and my mind makes up a disfigure face (usually) or dark body.
I deal with it by distracting myself, pushing it away, and keeping all the lights on. I feel like I'm on high alert.

2. Disconnected. Sometimes things feel flat out unreal, looking in the mirror/down at my body, objects, at work my residents, I'm finding it hard to connect with reality when I'm with them. Makes it hard to feel how they feel and put myself in their place to figure out the best way to handle their situations.
When I woke up tonight it just all seemed off. The visuals and sounds, more like soundlessness. It sounded too quiet and it was just too dark outside. Nothing seemed right. Before I went to bed I was having bad anxiety and auditory hallucinations.
Dealing with it; I just try to ignore it because I have a job to do and distract myself. (Someone told me to use essential oils for a smell distraction but I forgot to buy some though it would probably help since I have a good sniffer)

3. Forgetfulness. This one is really bothering me. It's not as upsetting as the other ones but it can make me feel upset. This weird forgetfulness is normal for me, it's almost like a forewarning sign that my anxiety is about to get worse.
So examples; finding it hard to name objects like the wrong name comes to mind, I seem to like to call things toilets like the refrigerator or garbage bin >.< Names of colors, I spit out around 2-4 wrong colors before I get the right one.

Forgetting what I'm doing. For example (this is what happened before work tonight) I go to my bedroom for something then think of the thing I need. I walk through the living room, through the kitchen, past the bathroom, and into the front room (final room) and stop suddenly realizing something is wrong. I couldn't remember what I needed. I stood there for a bit and remembered I needed something in the bathroom. Go in there and still couldn't remember what I needed. Then I remembered it was de-odorant about 25 minutes later after I gave up.

Forgetting an important thought; this is the one that makes me upset. So about 2 months ago I finally decided I had enough of this memory that affects me daily. It's a very personal one that I still haven't come to terms with and I don't feel ready to tell anyone. But, I had this moment where I was being swamped by the thoughts of it and I was like, "No I've had enough!" and I fiercely thought, "I'm gonna accept this!" and then the memory/feeling/emotional thought that I was going to accept was just gone. After that, It made me aware of how often it happens. I know it happens daily, this coincides with my mind making things up where I remember that moment of realization, but not so much of all the times after that. An example of making things up like seeing a really cool creative drawing or tv plot and realizing, "holy crap I totally thought of this idea a couple years ago!" Feels 100% real but my inner voice is like, no that is literally impossible so shut up. Or sometimes I think that the new things I see on tv or read or hear about are a dream I had the night before etc.

Now I'm flashing back and forth between "I'm fine, I don't need to see a therapist or doctor, I can manage this. I'm just being overly dramatic. People deal with worse." to "I need to get in to make an appointment sooner than later to start the process of getting a therapist. I need help." These thoughts are really confusing to write down because there are SO many levels to it. But, it feels like I am forgetting about all the poop that happened just a half hour ago before I switched to the, i'm fine card.

Sorry this is so long. These are a few of the things that are bothering me and make me want to cry. I don't know if i'm getting sick or something since I've been feeling more dizzy than normal, having a hard time breathing, heaviness, and stumbling/clumsiness more than normal. So yeah, thanks for reading if anyone actually makes it to the bottom heh... I'd love to hear your input or anything to help make me feel like I'm not in this alone...

Basically you described me....and when this happens, it creates more anxiety which makes it all self-feeding.

I don't know what to do but other than drink....alot.

I do all this all day long. Usually someone Other than me would take over the conscious then we are all distracted staring into space...forgetting what we are doing....walking in circles.

On the job we have a pocket radio to listen to that keeps us distracted so that the Carpenter could do his work which keeps us employed with an income.

Being co-conscious and switchy can make a day very hard to do...because you don't know who is coming or going...much like a merry-go-round.

As much as I want it to be hypomanic with bipolar...not happening.

[Nikki O.]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Basically you described me....and when this happens, it creates more anxiety which makes it all self-feeding.

I don't know what to do but other than drink....alot.

I do all this all day long. Usually someone Other than me would take over the conscious then we are all distracted staring into space...forgetting what we are doing....walking in circles.

On the job we have a pocket radio to listen to that keeps us distracted so that the Carpenter could do his work which keeps us employed with an income.

Being co-conscious and switchy can make a day very hard to do...because you don't know who is coming or going...much like a merry-go-round.

As much as I want it to be hypomanic with bipolar...not happening.

Yeah, it's so stupid how when it gets worse you just want to cry about every little hit of anxiety. Makes me frustrated then sad. I wish I could drink but about 2 years or so ago (?) I drank too much and blacked out then took a big handful of xanax because I was having a panic attack/not knowing what I was doing... it was bad I went to the hospital. And now after a half hour or so of being tipsy I get extremely anxious >.< then I get overly depressed worse than before! Like come on! Give me a break please?! That sounds exhausting to have so many people inside of you, I don't know much about DID since they said I just had DD nos, and anxiety depression the usual.