More grief.

One of the problems with sobriety is it frees up the mind for rumination.

Here is something that causes me pain. My alters are me. Many times when I switch into that hypnotic or semi-hypnotic type state I am almost in my normal personality. I have some recovered memories that prove that to myself. But I lose the memories anyway. That is why people say, "You don't have different personalities!"

My Mom traumatized me during my toddler years but not out of evil intent. She thought she was being a good parent. She was mentally ill and had horrible parenting skills. My two year older brother did the most damage to me during the ages of new born to three years old. Mom admitted to me late in life, after I had given her a copy of Dr. Colin Ross book and told her that I had MPD, that she believed my brother may have been hurting me when I was in the crib. Anyway I got traumatized during the first five years of my life by both of them. After five, my Mom never physically traumatized me again although she allowed my brother to abuse me the rest of my childhood.

I now know that I would switch into my alters and tell her things later in life and it screwed with her head. She financially was very good to me since my Dad died in 1993. I began telling my family that I had MPD in 1992. I kept my Mom informed of my efforts in Orlando to find therapy. She knew that I put myself in the Charter Hospital in Plano Texas trying to get help. But, she could cause me to switch into these other personalities and I could not stop it and did not remember it at the time. My brother can also cause me to switch. They cannot tell the difference and I don't remember the conversations. It makes me feel guilty! Like I am causing the problems in the family. More grief.

I now suspect this extra-communication was going on my whole life. But my parents never communicated with me, or this personality. (Growing up.) More grief.

My Mom had a flippant attitude about parenting toddlers. She thought she could turn her babies over to another woman right after birth and go back to work. She did it to my brother and he had a bunch of different sitters. That confuses newborns. They cannot see very well and they need to see a consistent face over them to reassure them. My brother was a very angry two year old.

Mom did it to me. I had one same maid/sitter and my two year old brother. The maid had to cook, clean house, wash and iron my parents clothes, etc. so she did not really have time to interface with us. My brother developed his obsession with abusing me during these years. He made me cry all day long. For me he was a surrogate parent, since no adult was there. I loved and needed him. This situation went on from my birth until I was three.

After the age of five I was neglected emotionally by my parents and my brother continued to abuse me.

I loved my Father, Mother, and Brother extremely. For all my life I lived with an emotional pain knot in my stomach but I blocked it out. I now know that I had severe mental and emotional health problems by the age of ten. I would say I had already developed severe dissociative disorder and borderline personality disorder.

It was that emotional pain knot that caused most of my problems in life. I cannot stand it. That is where the substance abuse came from and my acting out.