[amandalouise]

I thought it was time to post about this. I cant go into details because of rules and all but I see I have some people worried about me..

situation ... I got upset over a thread, which is out of character for me, I started lashing out, which again was out of character for me. Normally when I see threads that trigger me, I ignore it, dont bother with replying to the thread or even continue reading it. I walk away and never read it again and sometimes if needed I will take a break and sometimes i use my ignore list.

Well i didnt see I needed to walk away and take a break, The result the moderators did their job of helping me take that break (not saying anything no one knows, when this happens a members profile page receives a suspension tag)

While I was away on my break I did some things. First I contacted my treatment providers, why because this was so out of character for me. turned out a good thing to do, some changes were made.

while I was away I also thought about how much I care for folks here on the dissociative boards and give my all, sometimes to the point of revealing too much of my healing path, too fast. Things that I have experienced that others here may not be ready to deal with. I have an education that gives me what I need to understand the hows and whats of my healing path, that I tend to share too much of before people are ready for it. I have never shared anything that anyone could not find by google, even supplied the links. but many just are not ready to hear about things that I have already gone through and the things that I know about because I went through it.

Add this to the fact that English is not my native language. I was raised in a small backwoods town and on reservations for native Americans, My primary languages are Seneca and Mohawk, with a bit of English thrown in. I use google translators (and off the computer real person translators when a great deal of English is needed) Translators use formal, professionally correct, politically correct translations.

the result is my long elaborated postings come out with a formal, professionally correct, politically correct wording and tone.

I am making changes here too. I am sorry if this change leaves those who look forwards to this and welcome my elaborations, but my replies are not going to be long elaborated replies anymore.

I am sorry if I scared you all into thinking something is wrong with me, that I am being too quiet, not giving enough information, so something must be wrong with me. Worry not, I am doing fantastic.

some may also feel why am i here since I dont ask for help for myself... well I do, just not on the boards where it can cause problems for those not ready for the things i go through as an integrated person. I usually ask those that I know who are going through what I am.

there are many different ways here to get support and ask for what a person needs... on the boards, through chat, through pm, we can even "ask a therapist" and wait and see if our question gets picked for the "ask a therapist" page, there is also emailing where those that want to can share emails or select the email option in their profiles if they dont want to give out their email addresses.

Anyway I do ask others for help when I need it. just not so publicly where my problems can cause problems for others..

I hope this answers all those lingering questions of what happened and you can see that nothing is wrong, in fact everything is more than right with me.

[possum220]

Thanks for this post amandalouise. I have often found your responses helpful along my road with dissociation. Good to know that you are well and taking care of yourself.

I often find it so hard to formulate words to explain myself and I know one language. I can't imagine what it would be like with more word/options to pick from.

Please do what you need to to take care of yourself and stay well.

[Michael W. Harris]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

I thought it was time to post about this. I cant go into details because of rules and all but I see I have some people worried about me..

situation ... I got upset over a thread, which is out of character for me, I started lashing out, which again was out of character for me. Normally when I see threads that trigger me, I ignore it, dont bother with replying to the thread or even continue reading it. I walk away and never read it again and sometimes if needed I will take a break and sometimes i use my ignore list.

Well i didnt see I needed to walk away and take a break, The result the moderators did their job of helping me take that break (not saying anything no one knows, when this happens a members profile page receives a suspension tag)

While I was away on my break I did some things. First I contacted my treatment providers, why because this was so out of character for me. turned out a good thing to do, some changes were made.

while I was away I also thought about how much I care for folks here on the dissociative boards and give my all, sometimes to the point of revealing too much of my healing path, too fast. Things that I have experienced that others here may not be ready to deal with. I have an education that gives me what I need to understand the hows and whats of my healing path, that I tend to share too much of before people are ready for it. I have never shared anything that anyone could not find by google, even supplied the links. but many just are not ready to hear about things that I have already gone through and the things that I know about because I went through it.

Add this to the fact that English is not my native language. I was raised in a small backwoods town and on reservations for native Americans, My primary languages are Seneca and Mohawk, with a bit of English thrown in. I use google translators (and off the computer real person translators when a great deal of English is needed) Translators use formal, professionally correct, politically correct translations.

the result is my long elaborated postings come out with a formal, professionally correct, politically correct wording and tone.

I am making changes here too. I am sorry if this change leaves those who look forwards to this and welcome my elaborations, but my replies are not going to be long elaborated replies anymore.

I am sorry if I scared you all into thinking something is wrong with me, that I am being too quiet, not giving enough information, so something must be wrong with me. Worry not, I am doing fantastic.

some may also feel why am i here since I dont ask for help for myself... well I do, just not on the boards where it can cause problems for those not ready for the things i go through as an integrated person. I usually ask those that I know who are going through what I am.

there are many different ways here to get support and ask for what a person needs... on the boards, through chat, through pm, we can even "ask a therapist" and wait and see if our question gets picked for the "ask a therapist" page, there is also emailing where those that want to can share emails or select the email option in their profiles if they dont want to give out their email addresses.

Anyway I do ask others for help when I need it. just not so publicly where my problems can cause problems for others..

I hope this answers all those lingering questions of what happened and you can see that nothing is wrong, in fact everything is more than right with me.

Hey, Squirt! I love you and the posts that you give us. I need you. I understand. I admit that I do not know as much as you about my mental illness as you do. Please don't leave us.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Michael W. Harris

Hey, Squirt! I love you and the posts that you give us. I need you. I understand. I admit that I do not know as much as you about my mental illness as you do. Please don't leave us.

Im not leaving this isnt a goodbye thread. I care about all of you too. Im glad my long, informative posts have helped you. thank you

[Trace14]

Glad to know you are okay and realizing that you are responding out of character for yourself. Hope you are back now and feeling better. As I was one that was concerned about your absence.

[elevatedsoul]

im glad you are ok

i hope that i didn't trigger you too much

i appreciate your words of wisdom and knowledge even though i am a hard headed confused twisted mess

stay safe

[Shazerac]

Hi Amanda. Glad you are not leaving. There have been times in threads where I got frustrated and lashed out. I'm often afraid that a moderator is going to "help" me by muting me or suspending my account. We're all human and as you said...in different stages of our journey.

Some times what we say is taken wrong or sounds mean or heartless. I tend to be rather abrupt and come straight to the point (as I see it )

I'm glad you you are doing great ! And I'm always enjoy your posts.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

im glad you are ok

i hope that i didn't trigger you too much

i appreciate your words of wisdom and knowledge even though i am a hard headed confused twisted mess

stay safe

(((((elevated soul)))))

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

im glad you are ok

i hope that i didn't trigger you too much

i appreciate your words of wisdom and knowledge even though i am a hard headed confused twisted mess

stay safe

no you did not trigger me too much. Thank you. I am glad you had found my informative posts helpful.

[ruh roh]

Thanks for the explanation. I haven't been on this forum for a while and don't know about what's been happening, but I appreciate "hearing" you. The explanation about translations makes sense now, and it's good to hear from you without the clinical language--I can sense more warmth. That's not about you, but about me being able to detect emotions in others. Anyway, I wish you well and thanks for posting/sharing this.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

Thanks for the explanation. I haven't been on this forum for a while and don't know about what's been happening, but I appreciate "hearing" you. The explanation about translations makes sense now, and it's good to hear from you without the clinical language--I can sense more warmth. That's not about you, but about me being able to detect emotions in others. Anyway, I wish you well and thanks for posting/sharing this.

Thank you...

thought i would let you all know how and what exactly has changed. it is not me nor my as you call it clinical language....

its easier to show you then to explain...

here is a paragraph already translated so that you can follow the process that I am using....

The cat ran across the road. it looked like a blue streak as it crossed the grass, it came to a stop at a house where it received its feeding.

(if this was in my native language it would be shorter and words that mean many things)

I send my post through a google translator and it comes out like this...

the feline hastened traversly on the strait. it resembled a blue azure lightening bolt, the feline traversed the vegetation, it arrived at its domain where it received its sustenance.

this translation represents early high school (8th and 9th grade English language)

the change in my posts represent the addition of a second translator....I send this high school translation through another translator that is meant for children aged pre- school through early elementary language which translates the above to being ....

The cat ran across the road. it looked like a blue streak as it crossed the grass, it came to a stop at a house where it received its feeding.

in other words what you were seeing and perceiving as clinical language was not, what you were seeing is what the translators translated my native language wording into being.

I am not being any less or changed than i ever was. I and what I post is still the same, i have just added a second translator that uses preschool/ early elementary words instead of just the one that uses high school words.