big problem..

I'm sorry you're hurting so much.

I have also kept my mental health issues to myself, on the whole. But I'm starting to think that might not be the best way to go.

I am definitely not mad at you.I'm sorry if that's what my communication style makes you think and feel.I'm just a blunt,straight forward person and I don't coddle or sugar coat anything.I don't think I would even know how to if I tried.

I do get frustrated with you though.Because you get something in your mind and then run with it,run it into the ground,then take off running with the next thought that comes along.Over and over and you are not able to see how often you are creating many of your own problems.My replies in this thread were meant to help you see that,help you see that what you experienced is most likely not what you are convincing yourself it is.

And yes,you can do things different.When you start seeing your new T you can go in,share all your experiences,all the things you struggle with and allow them to actually help you.Figure out what it is together,accept what they diagnose you with and work with them on getting better.

I know it''s hard for you to not research things,to not self diagnose,to agree with what MH professionals tell you or want you to do.This time you could do it differently.You could trust them to help you get better and put your all into working on yourself.I don't feel you have whole heartedly given your all into it before and I feel if you would this time things may really turn around for you.

And tbh,sometimes to me it seems ypu feel the need to get a dx that reflects your amount of hurt,pain and struggling.Like maybe you feel certain illnesses aren't representative or equal to your suffering.That you feel it can't be just PTSD or just anxiety or just whatever because you are suffering way too much.I feel instead of searching or guessing or trying to figure it out you will do and feel much better to just allow a professional to help you regardless of the diagnosis.Healing is what matters,not the label you are given.

yes.. healing is what matters...

its not that i dont think its not ptsd, its just that no one seems to understand what i am going through...

i talked to the therapist yesterday briefly...

she said she had worked with some others that had d.i.d. so that made me feel a little better about maybe being able to figure it out...
she said it may not be full developed identities though whatever that means, i think she said that atleast... i was really struggling...

im just having a really hard time getting myself to come up from out of this underwater feeling...

really disconnected and detached... not sure who i am...
feel like i keep changing from different people... really confused.. embarrassed...
scared...

its scary because other it makes me feel like it might be strokes... brain disease... dememntia... something like that...because my mind is slipping...
and im just getting scared more and tired more and more...
making me just not want to live like this more... cant keep going like this...

wtf is thiss...
to be a box. with call cards in it...
but the box is not functioning or making calls to the cards to come out.. so end up with this place holder that cant do ****...
like the box is locked... broken... all the cards scrambled... numbers lost, box making the wrong calls...

i just want to be someone, a person that can handle life, need to make this stop...
dont know why it bad now.. or did it ever get better?

i dunno whats going on...

I'm glad you were able to talk to the therapist,even if just briefly.

I hope you have found someone that can help you and find some peace and healing so that you're not constantly struggling.

i just want it to be over..

and im trying so hard not to think like i want to hurt myself you know

but i just dont know how it can get better really... im scared it cant and wont because i really have been trying hard to overcome...

i just want to make it all go away

Your poor head can't think that far ahead right now, by the sound of it.

Don't project into the future. Break things down to the small things you can do now.

Big hugs.

Yeah..
I have a lot of trouble with thinking period..,

Its like im having flashbacks alot... but sometimes they are like altered, or not even real...
Just made up dreams that i fall into in the mind...

Stories are alive in my mind... its out of control...

I am feeling a little better right now, for this moment, i got my blood pressure med and gabapentin today...
Hoping tomorrow it will help more... i just dont want to end up taking handfulls of gabapentin trying to keep it down...

Im just really confused, which is nothing new i guess...
But i just feel more confused.... because my head feels like its swirling with these personas and i cant pull one out... i wanna get rid of all of them and just be me... atleast then i would be one consistent person instead of this weird dude... emo... emotionless... gangster...crybaby... ****up... perfectionist... suicidal depressed optimist... or whatever... constantly shifting and hiding from the world

I just feel so empty and null.. scared to face any more of this because of judgements and not having support from anyone... i need understanding so bad... i need to be understood and supported...
I just want to make it all go away ��

**** this ****...

Elevated, do you need to call the Crisis Line?

no...
i can't talk anyway so wouldn't do any good..

i can't end it all for some reason so don't worry... the bloody pain endures..

looked all over for razor blades last night though... couldn't find any...

doesnt really matter, wouldn't of changed anything anyway...

im just losing my mind... starting to get to where sometimes i "hear" things...

only happeneds a few times... but sometimes i don't notice it...

im disgusted with myself... with this life..

i wish i knew lots of just right things to say to make it better. i know it dont work that way but i think it should. i like tryin to fix everything n make it better n if i could do that i would but best i got is im here carin about you ok? i hope to you get to pullin thru this faster then slower to.

NiKKi

Don't be disgusted with yourself, Elevated. The people here understand. We're all carrying some burden too, but it doesn't mean we won't ever be happy.

I am fine now

This is one of the reasons i don't like talking, simply because nothing makes sense.
I don't know my thoughts or feelings and go through such dramatic shifts...
Talking just makes me look like a liar or manipulator.
I just am so disconnected that i don't understand either and know how frustrating it must be for other people trying to deal with me.
Thats why i try to keep everyone at a distance and dont let anyone in; that way they dont have to be bothered.

The bad thing is something will probably happen before the day is over to cause me to lose my balance
balance...

I wish that i didn't have to think about these things and that i could just be normal without falling apart upon being triggered

You don't come across as manipulative.

Keep talking to us, anyway. We're all in the same boat; trying to move steadily to the end of the day.

Sorry that you're still struggling so much ES.

You have said before that you were diagnosed with Bipolar but you would not and do not accept that DX.But when I read this I thought of you....

https://www.healthyplace.com/bipolar...tment-effects/

You do seem to have rapid mood swings.Have you contacted anyone to let them know you are/do?

Yeah...
I have read about rapid cycling before... and thought maybe that's what it was at one point...
But i dont think it is... because it seems to be psychological...

The reason i was diagnosed with bipolar wasnt so much that i lined up with the diagnosis but because the psychiatrist was an old man that liked the bipolar dx as it was fast and easy label to start prescribing medications...

The people at the clinic have also told me that he liked the bipolar dx...

I am glad he is retired as it didnt seem like he was interested in helping people understand their problems or really helping them cope... he just rx strong meds and sends you out the door fast...

He triggered me alot...

My moods arent on a cycle of any kind... i am empty and i just am...
I present as something and then something can happen to change my presentation...

Its like being all moods all the time but being nothing at the same time and having just an arm pick up a record to play the mood that is the strongest trigger...

I try hard to push forward the mood that i want but i lose strength and shut down i guess
guess, maybe i just have too much bottled up inside of me....

Constantly changing, inconsistent
I need to solidify

Ok,but if you would have read the article I posted you would have seen that it says

So although you don't believe that's what it is,it's possible it could be.

I just hope whatever it is you get the proper treatment and start feeling better.Seems to me that such rapid,drastic mood changes would be a miserable way to live.

It is....

I feel retarded

I cant hold a conversation because of all this mess

I just want to cut my head off

People are thinking horrible things about me i think

I cant rectify...

Im just not sure what to do,.. they all got me wrong....
Like everyone always does...