[L.P.]

when i get sad i try to be brave and not be sad. i didnt know how come i was here today i mean how come i showed up bein the one up front in my body here. i was thinin well maybe its cuz we messed up somethin and was feelin small n thats how come im here feelin all small. so i got to thinkin bout what i could do to cheer up n feel better cuz even tho i know its ok for me to feel ssad i still wanna try hard not to feel sad so i was thinkin n thinkin bout wwhat i could be doin but that made me feel more small. i was tryin to do stuff but it wasnt workin how i want it to. we got a book called perfect little piglet and its about piglet feelin small in a bad sad way cuz hes small n he couldnt see them tea cups on poohs top shelf n when he go to jump n get them he falls n knocks down a chair or stool. piglet keeps havvin all these small piglet problems them big ones in the book dont have cuz they big n can reach everything n get places fast n easy cuz they dont got little legs. well thats how im feelin today. the world is tigger gettin everyplace in great big great bounces n me it takes me forever to do 1 billion steps n get one bounce far n im all tired n everybody else makke that one big bounce step look easy but its not for me. for me its tired and sad and not even as good even tho i do lots and lots of work.

so i was thinkin n one of them inside ones he tells me how i aint gotta go n work hard to be ok when im sad n i aint gotta work hard to try to do things that are hard for me. in that book one thing piglet does is he goes n gets eeyores tail unstuck from a bush cuz hes small enough to fit n eeyore cant cuz hes just to big. so maybe what i should do to be helpful n not feel so small is what i can do easy cuz of who i am. well it aint easy cuz its hard for me to be sad when all i think is stop that nikki! but maybe i need to stop that tryin to stop it business n just be sad and thinkk about why n let it happen cuz lots of them other ones in here with me cant do sad even when they try but for me? oh i get sad i do. i know that sounds stupid but its a big aha thing for me to think that.

im sad cuz everythings changin. im sad cuz i dont wanna be a grown up. im sad cuz i dont think i got anything helpful to do. im sad cuz when im feelin small i got no one to care bout me cept them others in my heead who keep changin n goin away n if they all go away then nobody ever gonna notice me again n im gonna feel like how it was when i was a real for real kid lost and invisible like nobody ghost girl and i hate that. im sad cuz i cant be good enough n helpful enough for them in my head with me to stay them n be here with me and im sad and mad at me for bein so selfish. im sad cuz i miss my brother. im sad cuz of lots of things.

but i am glad i know i can say them things.
but i am glad i know this dont last forever. sad dont last forever.
now im gonna go cry some more cuz i can

nikki

[Solnutty]

I see you and hear you, nikki. I like your post a lot and it’s helpful to me because I’ve been feeling kinda small lately too. Thank you. I know you feel small, but you’re right that small can do things that big can’t do. That makes you very important. Sad is a hard thing, and it takes someone who is strong to carry it. Small can be very very strong. A little ant is so strong it can carry stuff that is much much bigger than it. It sounds like you are strong like that, because you are carrying the sad. I hope the sad feeling doesn’t last long. I hope you find something that makes you laugh today.
I just want to say again that I see you and hear you, nikki. You’re pretty cool in my book.

[TrailRunner14]

I️ hope the sun comes out for you! The sunshine takes my sad away.

When I️ feel small I️ like to color and it makes me happy. There are things small can do and enjoy that big doesn’t.

Thank you Nikki for sharing this.

[Amyjay]

Hi Nikki. I am glad you were able to talk about how you are feeling here, where real outside people in the world can read your words and hear you. Being part of a system is hard, really hard at times.
How are you feeling today?

[L.P.]

I never really know if I should respond to things I write when I'm not exactly myself, you know? In a way it almost feels like stepping on someone else's toes. On the other hand, it feels counterproductive to me to treat this part of me as apart from me. I dunno. This stuff makes my head spin sometimes. This is one of those times.

That said, hey Nikki, good job. You always manage to trip me out with the things you seem to be able to do... stuff you make look easy... I know it's not easy, but you really can do things most of us just cannot manage to make happen. I know you can lose sight of that in the middle of rotten moments in time, but you've already helped in huge ways over the last few years and we couldn't have done that stuff without you. This stuff now, yeah, there you go again rockin what the rest of us just can't manage to make happen/work/stick... Wanted to say thank you. Wanted to to say sorry that I still can't connect to this stuff to save my backside, but hey, maybe someday it will be like 'the hair', huh? If it is, it won't be because I did it on my own either... it'll be from steps you set out for the rest of us to walk on.

a/v/something

[L.P.]

Thanks so much everybody I was feeling small and sad and I was scared to nobody would even reply to me but you guys did and that means a lot to me.

I'm feelin a lot better today. I'm still a little sad but thats ok and I'm not as sad now so that's even better. It's been a rough couple weeks is all. That caught up to me. I dont like change but I like it less when life things are goin on at the same time. I sure wish life and head stuff would learn some respect and wait for one to get over before the other one starts up. I know it don't happen that way but it sure would be nice if it did.

NiKKi