[L.P.]

I woke up however many days ago and realized that the two people I was have stuck as one... I done went and meshed up. I had a bit of a laugh at myself over it, one morning I was feeling crowded because Tay was up in my head with me, copresent type thing, and when he was gone I was thinking how nice it was to be alone again. Then I laughed and thought, no, you're not alone, you're both here... no... not both... me. No push pull, no he's in front, she's there but in back and no push pull rotate/fluxuate between the two... just a me where two were. I just sat there a minute and had a woah moment. So I went and had myself a nice piece of celebratory honey cake I also finally settled on a new name. So far there is no system wide upset or anything over this and I'm glad for that... not that I was expecting any upset, but still, I like to prepare for the worst just in case.

Now and then I think to myself that I should be doing more about this, something like maybe trying to figure out what is the same or different or I dunno... something. But then I get busy doing some life thing. It's not like I'm being avoidant or detaching, just it doesn't seem necessary because I'm me. I don't know if that makes sense, but it feels important to me, like, even though I am a new version of me, I've somehow always been this way and as stupid as it sounds I think I might have a better handle on who I am now as this new me than I ever had as the two me's I was before. Life is weird.

-Avery

[Loose Screw x 2]

Not weird at all. We understand. Maybe more so than you think. We do some of this and think this way sometimes as well. We see ourselves as a multi-functioning human being when we aren't down and depressed and being negative. Then we realize that we are a very damaged human being who's been to Hell and back. Since I've come here I have seen so many other posts describing stuff that I deal with every day. You're not alone.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by L.P.

I woke up however many days ago and realized that the two people I was have stuck as one... I done went and meshed up. I had a bit of a laugh at myself over it, one morning I was feeling crowded because Tay was up in my head with me, copresent type thing, and when he was gone I was thinking how nice it was to be alone again. Then I laughed and thought, no, you're not alone, you're both here... no... not both... me. No push pull, no he's in front, she's there but in back and no push pull rotate/fluxuate between the two... just a me where two were. I just sat there a minute and had a woah moment. So I went and had myself a nice piece of celebratory honey cake I also finally settled on a new name. So far there is no system wide upset or anything over this and I'm glad for that... not that I was expecting any upset, but still, I like to prepare for the worst just in case.

Now and then I think to myself that I should be doing more about this, something like maybe trying to figure out what is the same or different or I dunno... something. But then I get busy doing some life thing. It's not like I'm being avoidant or detaching, just it doesn't seem necessary because I'm me. I don't know if that makes sense, but it feels important to me, like, even though I am a new version of me, I've somehow always been this way and as stupid as it sounds I think I might have a better handle on who I am now as this new me than I ever had as the two me's I was before. Life is weird.

-Avery

yes integrating (becoming one whole person again or as you call it meshing up) can be great, confusing and a whole bunch more. now you get to experience life so much more fully and happily. yes it is weird but yet the same, and I too felt I was better able to handle things now.

I am happy for you and the great progress you have just made, I remember when this happened to be and its an amazing ride for sure.

[L.P.]

I don't know the correct word for this... is it partial integration? Is that a thing? I've been hesitant to say integrate since there are still more me's in here, but, yeah, thank you, it feels good. A little weird, yes, but very much good. I've had this idea in my head for oh, awhile now, that after the three plus years this group of us have been around living/hosting/whatever, that we are heading towards... I dunno... a partial type integration among us, this group I am a part of. There's a calm, quiet understanding that this is now in progress, but it's also mixed up in a hesitation? Not sure if that is right. It's just we have been this way for so long the idea of being different is a little bit intimidating? I think it's part change being scary, part uncertainty of what happens next. Not just for me and this group I am a part of, but for the other groups that still remain in here with me and mine.

Then there is he whole being okay/healthy/functional aspect. I mean, all I have ever known is not okay, not healthy and functional. Could I really be okay someday? That idea makes my head spin. But it is exciting as well. Maybe some day I'll be able to do things like take classes or make plans that involve time and energy over more than one day, long term, right? I haven't been able to do that in years now. Silly as it sounds, I totally want a garden and thinking I might be here to follow through with that... oh hell yeah. Little things, little things. Thinking like that gives me a sense of stability in my own skin that I have not had in the three plus years I have been here doing life/hosting/whatever. I mean, I have made some plans and set goals, but nothing that required external commitment or things that could not be changed if I just vanished one day for a week, month, years, forever... yeah, thinking about things like that eases up the fear some.

Thank you. I know this is small in the big picture of me, but it feels really huge, and like a domino effect is in place or something. It's good.

-Avery

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by L.P.

I don't know the correct word for this... is it partial integration? Is that a thing? I've been hesitant to say integrate since there are still more me's in here, but, yeah, thank you, it feels good. A little weird, yes, but very much good. I've had this idea in my head for oh, awhile now, that after the three plus years this group of us have been around living/hosting/whatever, that we are heading towards... I dunno... a partial type integration among us, this group I am a part of. There's a calm, quiet understanding that this is now in progress, but it's also mixed up in a hesitation? Not sure if that is right. It's just we have been this way for so long the idea of being different is a little bit intimidating? I think it's part change being scary, part uncertainty of what happens next. Not just for me and this group I am a part of, but for the other groups that still remain in here with me and mine.

Then there is he whole being okay/healthy/functional aspect. I mean, all I have ever known is not okay, not healthy and functional. Could I really be okay someday? That idea makes my head spin. But it is exciting as well. Maybe some day I'll be able to do things like take classes or make plans that involve time and energy over more than one day, long term, right? I haven't been able to do that in years now. Silly as it sounds, I totally want a garden and thinking I might be here to follow through with that... oh hell yeah. Little things, little things. Thinking like that gives me a sense of stability in my own skin that I have not had in the three plus years I have been here doing life/hosting/whatever. I mean, I have made some plans and set goals, but nothing that required external commitment or things that could not be changed if I just vanished one day for a week, month, years, forever... yeah, thinking about things like that eases up the fear some.

Thank you. I know this is small in the big picture of me, but it feels really huge, and like a domino effect is in place or something. It's good.

-Avery

your question... is it partial integration? is that a thing?

I cant answer that according to you and your location/ treatment providers.

what I can tell you is that here where I am and with my own treatment providers partial integration isnt a thing, integration is the whole process.

as one of my past treatment providers explained it... integration at its simplest definition means mixing two or more to make one whole...

examples of integration...

1 egg and 1 slice of cheese together makes a simple cheese omlet

one smell memory one image memory is integration.

add glue to paper and glitter makes a christmas card is integration.

see what i mean... here where I am and with my treatment providers there is no partial integration or quarter integration or half integrated its all the same process... taking one or more and making one whole.

each one of my alters integrated at different times in my life but it was all called integration. no partial, no half integrated, no fraction of being integrated. it just was what it was.. the integration process.

rainy just one day was in your wording mashed together with me to form me one person again just like you described in your first post in this thread. she was me, I was her everything she was, was now me...

[Loose Screw x 2]

Glad that you're feeling good about the direction that your life is taking, L.P.
I have some in here who can pair up or fuse temporarily for handling different things but, it hasn't happened in a long, long time. Partly because of partial dormancy and partly because things haven't gotten hectic enough to feel the need to do so, but, that's the closest any of us have ever come to some kind of integration-like states. When integration happens, is it permanent or can it split again? I mean is it like tensing a muscle that eventually grows tired or is it just smooth sailing?

[L.P.]

Thank you, Amandalouise, that makes tons of sense. I'm not sure why I have been getting caught up in the idea that integration is more like an event than a process, but I have been. That's probably why I feel such an urge to nit pick it and segment (?) it... I dunno. It might have something to do with past resistance from some of us about the scary i word... in the past (like right after dx past) the idea of integration seemed like such a slap in the face to individuality and personal rights and so on. I think it was triggery back then and necessary to isolate integration to each of us as an individual, segment it, so as not to spook or offend the majority of us. It's just now occurring to me how very outdated and unnecessary that in the present. Thanks again, your words gave me a new perspective I didn't have before. Very helpful and appreciated.

MavriforceK9r... permanent or temporary? Yes? No? Depends. Heh. I think this kind of stuff is really subjective and going to depend on the individual/s involved. We have one who is like how you mention the temporary fusing up, we have a protector type who has been that way for years. I like to think on that like a transformer. They can be 'little cars' but sometimes they are one big one. I don't know how it goes for other people, but we have have had two integrate into the whole so far and they stayed that way, we have had others that integrated together but not into the whole and we stayed that way to for the most part. There was a few times there was a temporary kind of pull apart for some of us, but that never did stick for us, the pull back I mean, we've pulled back together after a little while and stayed this way. That's just me and mine though and what has happened to us. I tend to take the mindset that anything is possible.

-Avery