[toomanycats]

I wrote and sent the below to my therapist after a crap session yesterday with lots of misunderstanding and in which he referred to something I was experiencing as a 'part' as being 'me.' (I came in viewing him as some sort of enemy and threat that I needed to 'squash.' And, I was experiencing that as 'not me,' but he said that "I" was angry, and when I said "No, it's not me," he said "but it is you." and this was my very first foray into kind of directly talking 'parts' with him since we opened the topic. So, I felt lied to...like...he said it was safe to talk parts, but then when I did, he made me feel ridiculous.) I'm still really...really new to parts talk and allowing any of it at all, and so this is going to be a chaotic dump of just "here's my explanation of what I see happening in me"...I'm asking if anyone else can relate to this... (and, to be clear, I do not claim to have DID. I don't have DID.):

Whenever I've found myself swinging into a totally different 'reality' (e.g., a reality in which you (my therapist) are an enemy), I have simply adopted it as my new reality... believing fully and completely that that's just what I believe now, have always believed, and will continue to believe for forever. That it's the new gospel truth.

I do this in my personal life too; I'll swing wildly into a reality where my husband is absolutely unacceptable, that there's no way for me to stay with him, that there's no way I'll ever have another child with him - I don't WANT another child, and I've always just accepted that as my new gospel truth...until I'd swing into a totally different reality, which has always felt very fluid for me like...it's my normal...but it leaves my husband spinning. His 'reality' doesn't shift like that. If I say "I never want another child," he believes me fully and goes through all of the emotions that proclamation brings -- only to be whacked again when, a few weeks later, I'm saying "let's get pregnant this summer."

As therapy has gone on, what I've been experiencing is more like...awareness when that happens that it's not really what I believe... and that's why I came bumping up against this "I have to use parts talk" wall. Because, I'm rendered incapable of speech now when I have literally 3+ completely distinct realities in my mind with their own 'voices.'

Yesterday, at first, I wasn't aware at all that what I was feeling 'wasn't me.' As always - I just adopted it as my new forever truth; it simply was reality -- that you were a threat that I needed to and was going to squash. But, as we went on - I became increasingly aware of the other 'voices' other 'realities' including what I'd refer to as 'me' (or, what Group T would call my 'highest adult self') screaming in my head completely different truths and realities (e.g., "stop! stop! He's not some enemy! You're not being forced to be here! You're here by choice!" and "You're going to regret this. You're going to have to punish yourself for this later" and still another small, young, scared, sad voice "please please, please see me. please see me in here. Please don't think this is me, don't leave")

Those voices got louder, and I became increasingly aware that I wasn't controlling or even aware was coming out of my mouth. It's like the words bypassed my brain and spewed out of my mouth without my choosing to say them - and this happens all the time for me - this isn't some new phenomenon, it's just new for me to notice it so much...

In a way, it's helpful - I'm more aware - In my awareness, I can reassure myself that the new 'reality' isn't the gospel truth. Example? When I came back home, I recognized immediately that I was ..idk... 'mix minded?' One part of me was still raging (as above) - and very close 'up front' - as if it could take over at any time. And, when it does, I snap - I slam things - I'm scary and angry, and it upsets my husband and daughter - this is something my husband has finally been more open about this whole "I don't know who I'm going to get" feeling that he carries around with him concerning me (and he has no idea about 'parts' none whatsoever). But, even while I felt that part raging very close to taking over, My mouth was opening and saying the 'mommy' things that the very 'mommy' part of me says - and I had no control over this either. My body and mouth were just somehow on autopilot and I could hear in my brain something like "the part of me that's talking right now is not the same as the part of me that's thinking right now." I can't find words to fully explain. I did realize, though, that I was at imminent risk of becoming 'scary, mean' me in any moment, and so I excused myself to go lock myself in the bathroom/shower/ride it out in there, thus, hopefully, protecting my husband and daughter.

I have no idea if I've explained this in an understandable way. I guess the main point I'm saying is that I was actually quite surprised at my own intense reaction to your "but it is you" comment. It also just made no sense, because to this point, when this kind of thing has happened in the past (where my whole world view, motives, values, etc. change like this, which I'm now referring to as a 'part'), I have always still referred to it as being 'me.' I don't 'turn into' different people - I still say "I" and "me," because the new reality feels like just that - mine - the only one that exists.

Which is another reason why I feel like I must be making this all up... because, now, where is this "it's not me" thing coming from? I can only say that I gave that response without thinking - it's just what naturally came out of my mouth. If it is made up, then I've made it up unintentionally.

3 years in to therapy, I became aware (with my ex therapist's help) that my realities shifted at all. Until that point, I wasn't aware my realities shifted, and I would make big decisions (ending relationships, acting out sexually, etc.) while stuck in one reality only to have that reality shift and then regret and not even understand my decision.

And now, with you, I guess, it feels like I'm becoming aware of ...ugh... 'parts.' That it's not just my perception of reality that shifts, but something more. And, that the other 'realities' are still there...in me...with other 'parts.' And, in fact, that I'm capable of 'seeing'/'hearing'/'accessing' other realities even while 'stuck' in a specific reality. And that must be where the "It's not me" thing came from.

^ The above is all to tack on to my email last night that I'm not sure made any sense. If I'm going to explain what 'parts' means 'to me' and ask for your reaction/feedback on that (which I am asking for with this, by the way), then I want to lay it out as clearly as I can.

I feel like I'm taking a gigantic risk... I can only say that if this IS something I've made up for attention, I have NOT done so intentionally. That much I know.

[unaluna]

Yeah, not-me was always getting me into trouble. Its a horrible, exhausting way to live. One step forward, two steps backward.

You might want to read up on Winnicott's "false self". Our true self isnt accepted, so we develop a false self that meets the parents expectations.

[peaches100]

What you've described is very similar to my own experience. When my reality changes, I also feel that what I am experiencing in that moment is absolutely what I think, feel, and believe. I also think my perceptions are correct.

But then later (anywhere from a few seconds or a few hours), I will go back to what I would describe as my normal state of mind, with my usual thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.

Then I look back and think, "What was I doing? Why did I say that?" Because my actions at that time were not typical of the way I usually am, it felt like "not me."

My understanding is that drastically altered thoughts, feelings, and perceptions (especially if they are transitory and don't represent our usual self) are symptoms of dissociation.

It's good that you've begun to notice when this happens to you. You are beginning to recognize when your reality changes, and you experience both sides of your reality at the same time (not sure how else to say it). This is how it happens for me as well.

I've recently been diagnosed with co-conscious DID, but that may not the case with you. Dissociation is a feature of other disorders too, such as BPD, C-PTSD, and DDNOS.

I'm glad you are communicating with your therapist about what you are experiencing. This will help them determine the best way to work with you toward healing.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

I wrote and sent the below to my therapist after a crap session yesterday with lots of misunderstanding and in which he referred to something I was experiencing as a 'part' as being 'me.' (I came in viewing him as some sort of enemy and threat that I needed to 'squash.' And, I was experiencing that as 'not me,' but he said that "I" was angry, and when I said "No, it's not me," he said "but it is you." and this was my very first foray into kind of directly talking 'parts' with him since we opened the topic. So, I felt lied to...like...he said it was safe to talk parts, but then when I did, he made me feel ridiculous.) I'm still really...really new to parts talk and allowing any of it at all, and so this is going to be a chaotic dump of just "here's my explanation of what I see happening in me"...I'm asking if anyone else can relate to this... (and, to be clear, I do not claim to have DID. I don't have DID.):

Whenever I've found myself swinging into a totally different 'reality' (e.g., a reality in which you (my therapist) are an enemy), I have simply adopted it as my new reality... believing fully and completely that that's just what I believe now, have always believed, and will continue to believe for forever. That it's the new gospel truth.

I do this in my personal life too; I'll swing wildly into a reality where my husband is absolutely unacceptable, that there's no way for me to stay with him, that there's no way I'll ever have another child with him - I don't WANT another child, and I've always just accepted that as my new gospel truth...until I'd swing into a totally different reality, which has always felt very fluid for me like...it's my normal...but it leaves my husband spinning. His 'reality' doesn't shift like that. If I say "I never want another child," he believes me fully and goes through all of the emotions that proclamation brings -- only to be whacked again when, a few weeks later, I'm saying "let's get pregnant this summer."

As therapy has gone on, what I've been experiencing is more like...awareness when that happens that it's not really what I believe... and that's why I came bumping up against this "I have to use parts talk" wall. Because, I'm rendered incapable of speech now when I have literally 3+ completely distinct realities in my mind with their own 'voices.'

Yesterday, at first, I wasn't aware at all that what I was feeling 'wasn't me.' As always - I just adopted it as my new forever truth; it simply was reality -- that you were a threat that I needed to and was going to squash. But, as we went on - I became increasingly aware of the other 'voices' other 'realities' including what I'd refer to as 'me' (or, what Group T would call my 'highest adult self') screaming in my head completely different truths and realities (e.g., "stop! stop! He's not some enemy! You're not being forced to be here! You're here by choice!" and "You're going to regret this. You're going to have to punish yourself for this later" and still another small, young, scared, sad voice "please please, please see me. please see me in here. Please don't think this is me, don't leave")

Those voices got louder, and I became increasingly aware that I wasn't controlling or even aware was coming out of my mouth. It's like the words bypassed my brain and spewed out of my mouth without my choosing to say them - and this happens all the time for me - this isn't some new phenomenon, it's just new for me to notice it so much...

In a way, it's helpful - I'm more aware - In my awareness, I can reassure myself that the new 'reality' isn't the gospel truth. Example? When I came back home, I recognized immediately that I was ..idk... 'mix minded?' One part of me was still raging (as above) - and very close 'up front' - as if it could take over at any time. And, when it does, I snap - I slam things - I'm scary and angry, and it upsets my husband and daughter - this is something my husband has finally been more open about this whole "I don't know who I'm going to get" feeling that he carries around with him concerning me (and he has no idea about 'parts' none whatsoever). But, even while I felt that part raging very close to taking over, My mouth was opening and saying the 'mommy' things that the very 'mommy' part of me says - and I had no control over this either. My body and mouth were just somehow on autopilot and I could hear in my brain something like "the part of me that's talking right now is not the same as the part of me that's thinking right now." I can't find words to fully explain. I did realize, though, that I was at imminent risk of becoming 'scary, mean' me in any moment, and so I excused myself to go lock myself in the bathroom/shower/ride it out in there, thus, hopefully, protecting my husband and daughter.

I have no idea if I've explained this in an understandable way. I guess the main point I'm saying is that I was actually quite surprised at my own intense reaction to your "but it is you" comment. It also just made no sense, because to this point, when this kind of thing has happened in the past (where my whole world view, motives, values, etc. change like this, which I'm now referring to as a 'part'), I have always still referred to it as being 'me.' I don't 'turn into' different people - I still say "I" and "me," because the new reality feels like just that - mine - the only one that exists.

Which is another reason why I feel like I must be making this all up... because, now, where is this "it's not me" thing coming from? I can only say that I gave that response without thinking - it's just what naturally came out of my mouth. If it is made up, then I've made it up unintentionally.

3 years in to therapy, I became aware (with my ex therapist's help) that my realities shifted at all. Until that point, I wasn't aware my realities shifted, and I would make big decisions (ending relationships, acting out sexually, etc.) while stuck in one reality only to have that reality shift and then regret and not even understand my decision.

And now, with you, I guess, it feels like I'm becoming aware of ...ugh... 'parts.' That it's not just my perception of reality that shifts, but something more. And, that the other 'realities' are still there...in me...with other 'parts.' And, in fact, that I'm capable of 'seeing'/'hearing'/'accessing' other realities even while 'stuck' in a specific reality. And that must be where the "It's not me" thing came from.

^ The above is all to tack on to my email last night that I'm not sure made any sense. If I'm going to explain what 'parts' means 'to me' and ask for your reaction/feedback on that (which I am asking for with this, by the way), then I want to lay it out as clearly as I can.

I feel like I'm taking a gigantic risk... I can only say that if this IS something I've made up for attention, I have NOT done so intentionally. That much I know.

ok first know my "feedback" (word in quotes because its in your title) is going to be a mixture of both how my treatment provider and I do things and what I know from going through it and also my opinion, with a bit of professional info .... take what works and throw out what doesnt from my post ok.

from a professional side of things... in 2013 things changed here in america for treatment providers. they cant promote/ enforce/ encourage separateness... example my treatment provider can not cause me to dissociate or think of myself as many separate identities. the new way is instead promoting the fact that its all one body and that it was my own personality, my own memories, emotions feelings , experiences, that got broken up / compartmentalized which created alternate personalities.

this new way of doing things can be upsetting but it is ....supposed to... promote a faster and more on track kind of therapy process.

the first time my therapist said to me my parts were me, I was very angry and said um nope rainy isnt me, rainy likes different things then me, she does things differently then me... bla bla bla...

thankfully when this new change over for mental health happened in the USA I was already in the integration process where my alters were all becoming one whole person with me again...

to show you what this looked like....

I was born one body one mind.
I was abused in the most horrific ways before I was 5 yrs old
because of this extreme trauma in my life my mind split into many parts where each part had their own job/ purpose/ reason for being, how and when they took control and so on (in other words alternate personalities)

ever time and with therapy working on my problems as the parts sense of agency (their job,purpose, reason for being....) was no longer needed to be separate from my mind, they merged back together with me to once again form one whole person again.

though I am integrated I do still have the normal parts of self where sometimes I feel like a child and act like one, sometimes I am an angry person and acting out and so on....

because its all one body the new rules for treatment providers, my treatment provider has to treat me and my problems because of this new way as they are parts of me too.

what helped me was rather than arguing with her over semantics of how I feel about these parts, I look at it from the point of view that its all one body.
I end up saying something like yea i know its all one body so they are me and I am them but it sure feel like...... then tell her how I am ....feeling.... when these parts of self feel more separated from me.

this opened the door for my therapist and I to work on those times when I act like a child or an angry one and so on with out our two differences in the new therapy modules / approaches.

[Amyjay]

Hi. You aren't making it up. This is how it is for you. Has it always been this way (apart) from this more recent 'not me' thing? Then you aren't making it up. Honestly you've described your experience really well. It doesn't sound made up and I imagine it doesn't feel made up either.
Everybody has parts of themselves. Every body has different sides of themselves that act and feel in different ways. Sometimes there is a smooth sense of 'I' ness between them and sometimes there is less. It sounds like there is some dissociation between your sense of 'I's. Not full separation since you still have a sense of yourself in each state, but the feeling/knowing/experiencing is separate.
I have been diagnosed DID and the separation of my parts goes a step further than what you describe here. Those other parts are definitely not me. They are them! Each part has a very distinct sense of self that does not include the others in experience/feeling/sense of I etc. That is changing through therapy and we have a lot more co-consciousness than we did before, with some parts at a least.
But it certainly doesn't sound like you made any of this up for attention. It sounds very real and very problematic.

[toomanycats]

I am now going to very annoyingly say "no, this isn't right. I got it all wrong." It felt right this morning; it feels all entirely wrong now.

I wish I hadn't sent this to my therapist. I just want to shut up about all of it and pretend it never came up at all.

[Amyjay]

Toomanycats, feeling this way now very much fits in with what you said earlier. You may not "switch" between identity states but it seems like you "switch" between feeling and knowing states.
Not much different to what I experience but when "I" switch between feeling and knowing states each state has a separate and enduring perception of self (different to the others). Like I am ME but I am not them. They are Sam, Jess, P. and B etc.
In the last few weeks our part who feels like you feel now (No this isn't right I got it all wrong) has been going to therapy and telling T that she doesn't have DID and she doesn't switch and there really truly are no other parts at all and she would like to cancel all future appointments because she really doesn't need therapy, it was all just a mistake and she probably just did it to get attention. T says to her "Mmm, it doesn't seem like you got much attention from this because you don't talk about it with anyone, so that doesn't seem to make much sense" and "Does everyone inside feel the same way? Can we check in with the others about that?"
Toomanycats I wonder if you could observe how long you feel this way about it and notice how when and why it changes to something else. It might give you some useful information about why this is happening for you.