trigger***************************************************












I have thought alot about my last session with my therapist... and I feel.. somewhat numb...

He talked to me about speechless terror.. and I "finally" got it... maybe I am just ready to "get it"..

Mind numbing.. reactive with no thought terror.. that I have felt all my life.. the terrible nightmares.. I never got a chance to feel safe..

I am different... different than what I would be if I didn't have those things happen to me..

Time for me to accept that they did happen.. and I can't "fix" them.. only make them better over time...

I am not even sure I can keep my mind on "it" long enough for me to put it in a post.

And it has to go somewhere... somewhere ... so it will not be forgotten.. so that it can be remembered..and not gone back over..

Being locked in closets... and my hands put on a chopping block - because I touched myself..having oatmeal stuffed down my throat.. gagging.. my hands put over a boiling pot of water..being put in the bathtub and pulled under water.. just for weting myself...waiting for my dad in my room.. to be given welts..
watching my dad punch horses... and kick... and having things thrown at me.. his daughter... being told.. that I was unwanted.. that he didn't want children.. my mom did.. but then.. she didn't want to stay home.. she wanted a career.. her choice...

my Dad creeping into my bed at night..

my uncle.. my Dad's brother.. the same as my Dad...

being called a liar by my Mom.. for telling..

all translates into a little girl.. who was speechless with terror.. and conditioned for life to be frightened..

to be a misunderstood person.. who does things differently than other people... surely..

a little girl that slept in the stair well rather than her bed

a teenager.. who wouldn't ever take a bath.. only showers.. terrified by taking a bath..

a 12 year old.. seeking comfort.. to be further abused by a pedophile...

an adult.. who won't sleep without a light on...

and never... ever... feeling safe... ever... because I never learned "safe"... because nothing was ever "safe"..

you see..... I finally "got it"... I never learned..... no one ever taught me... no one ever showed me..
everyone that I turned to hurt me.. made me hurt..

try as I might... I don't have any feelings for my Dad... all of my life.. I have always said.." it's really strange, I don't feel anything at all.. not love, not hate, not anger, not pain"... just nothingness..

I do grieve... my Dad's own childhood.. my uncle's childhood.. that was horrfic..

I do grieve ... my Mom's childhood that was also horrific..

I am still thankful... that my Dad.. told me.. and discussed with me my own childhood before his death.. his "gift" to me really... so I could really know for sure.. so that I would never wonder... why I am so very different..

I have my own feelings... I am trying to heal..

I don't want to hurt anyone on this forum.. because I love all....

But I need a place that I can put my pain... where people won't tell me to be quiet... where I won't be called a liar like my Mom did..

I need a place like this.. because I was selectivly mute for a year of my life.. and I don't want to be silent anymore.

I need a place like this.. because the friends that are in my life... cover their ears.. and say... don't tell me.. I don't want to hear such ugly things..

Yes.. my friends they are so very ugly things... but I need.. need to be able to say them somewhere..

And this forum.. is my home.. the place where I have felt the most belonging in my whole life... because I am DID...

so this next year.... I work.. on feeling "safe" for the first time in my life...

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((freewill)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[pachyderm]

[silver_queen]

((((((((((( freewill ))))))))))))))

((((((((((((freewill))))))))))))

Thats is one of the most open, candid, and revelatory posts I've seen in a while. I think its wonderful

I was about to say the same exact thing. what a brave and admirable thing to be able to get those ghosts out in the air and out of your head. you are truly a person seeking the path of truth in your life...and i hope you find it.
i applaud your spirit.

[sabby]

(((((((((((((((( freewill )))))))))))))))

You always have an ear that will listen and a shoulder to lean on. You amaze me with your will to heal.


sabby

[recluse1]

((((((freewill))))))) you know i think you are such a wonderful person. i admire your truth, you strength, and your determination to heal and move forward. i can see a light surrounding you at this time. one that will help you heal and lead you on this life journey.

much love for you
recluse1

[nothemama8]

freewill, you are like many of us here, you have DID, you have a disorder, you are a wonderful person not a disorder, yes it may take along time, but you are not alone in your journey, you my friend will never be alone cuz we are always here for you
Angie

[(JD)]

Even though I'm an outsider, I hope I can help here.

The post does begin with a trigger icon, says ABUSE, and trigger, extremely triggering.

What I'm trying to help with is why so many (?) member's protector alters (I am assuming here) feel that they must ignore the warning and read anyway. Can each of you find out why that alter feels they need to keep an eye on this part of freewill, why it seems needful for your own safety?

Freewill I think is trying to comply and still express herself. She cared enough to check with a moderator.

Let's all breathe and see if we can get through this without having to call in the big guns here. (Remember, I'm not a mod nor admin, just a knowledgeable caring member.)

(((safe hugs))))

[RACEKA]

I also feel freewill is very caring and considerate of other members.

I wish I could express myself like she does. She helps me tremendously.

I love you freewill.

[Zorah]

ok, freewill, we did choke down everything to read this post,

we really want to try to help, we are going on to the other trigger icon posts now

(((((_Sky))))) we MUST go on & read them, we don't know how to explain, except to say you are right about it being the "protectors" who do it.

Seven & Lucy.

[darkpurplesecrets]

(((((freewill)))))

My heart goes out to you in so many different ways. I feel your pain and I understand in ways that I find no words to say. I am so proud of the work you are doing and I encourage you to keep reaching and posting. We are listening and here to help you when you cannot walk alone. I love you my dear friend always.

camilionwords1truth