Trigger warning: Talk about death...
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Do you find that this condition stays predominantly in the fore front of your mind no matter what task you are doing ? That every living moment it’s there as a flashing light or klaxon that you can’t forget?

Everytime you move, look in a mirror, deal with a trigger, deal with life, every breath you take... an unshakeable horrible obsession much like unto having cancer- an overbearing weight of finality. I hate to compare it to having cancer, but that’s how it seems/feels- your life is screwed and this condition is terminal- the mind has cancer. It seems the older I get the more the symptoms show and the more mental control deteriorates.

The only way I can distract myself is to work 6 days a week or drink heavily. Working isn’t about the money because I can get by on a regular work week- it:s just to keep the mind occupied and focused on task. Then we go home to numb our noggin.

This I feel is the crux of our addiction, the why we drink: our alcoholism- drinking makes us feel good, puts us at ease. If it weren’t this condition...would I be drinking like this....I don’t think so. All I can remember that is we have been in self-destruct mode till we had a kid 20 years ago. Now that he’s (a distraction) has moved out, the mental obsession is back.

Once again I’m looking at the future in the face, and I see nothing. Any idea, want or goal is quickly absorbed into the mental quicksand of our mind into oblivion to be forgotten. Hopelessness prevails.

We have a bicycle because the littles want a bike to go bike riding, but nobody has ridden it in 2 years but only once since purchased because a few of the shy others don’t want to be seen in public riding it. This is just a taste of the daily internal conflict we live. Now let’s apply this scenario to every freaking thing that we say, do, and think. It’s like one’s soul is being yanked in every different direction, even over the simplest of decision every other moment. It’s so much easier to just give up and do nothing then to go through the mental circus over every single thing.

In a sense: we are waiting to die.

Well, there it is right there....try existing to no longer we exist. To endure our mental conflicts while enduring our physical conflicts> always fighting for predominance in mind, body and life. We are developing hypertension, stress related of course.

That’s another thing...do you feel compulsed or a deep desire to explain yourself or give excuse or reason for the things you do? But often can’t because the explanation to a lay person’s ear that is ignorant to this condition will fall short in disbelief or ridicule? Often time I just give up before I start and just carry my cross.

Gotta get ready for work....on call for the next 72 hours then volunteered for a whole new week of standby before realizing it. This body hurts, sore, swollen and tired. We been moving 300 lb. washer/dryer combos up and down stairs all week with more to follow. Why do we do what we do? Just gotta shrug it off and keep going till we drop.

Want to add...this is just the present. I’m looking for that spark, a reason for a drive, hope, purpose, a goal....I crave growth but are stuck in a rut. Any ideas or living examples one can share?

How do you deal or cope with it?

At least I get a fat check every week out of this.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

Want to add...this is just the present. I’m looking for that spark, a reason for a drive, hope, purpose, a goal....I crave growth but are stuck in a rut. Any ideas or living examples one can share?

How do you deal or cope with it?

At least I get a fat check every week out of this.

your first post......

no I didnt have much of a problem with my diagnosis of DID remaining in the forefront of my thoughts, or problems with mirrors and so on that you have posted.... maybe its the way my treatment providers and I handled my getting the diagnosis... they told me that nothing changes after getting the diagnosis that didnt happen before getting the diagnosis. since I didnt know before getting a diagnosis that I had DID, I just thought everyone was like me. even though I didnt get the diagnosis as an adult I grew up since before age 5 with everything that was DID in me. as a result of this being DID was normal for me just like someone who grows up with a dog its normal and comfortable to have a dog, just like its normal for someone with blonde or black or brown hair to have their hair color, or someone who grew up drinking lemonaid and running around in bare feet or wearing a jacket when its cold was normal. being DID was my normal so it wasnt something I had obsessive thoughts about...

as for the mirrors my therapist and I had a fantastic discussion about that...what is a mirror a piece of glass with reflective paint on the back..if I tried to avoid mirrors what other items would I have needed to avoid in order to avoid my image being reflected in it.... anything with a shiny reflective coating.... spoons, forks, dishes, drinking classes, cars, trucks, driving vanity sets, malls, churches, school bathrooms, casinos, ..... there are so many things and places that come equipped with shiny, reflective surfaces, and mirrors attached, even my cell phone and computer has reflective surfaces.... even if I wanted to avoid mirrors/ reflective surfaces it was literally impossible for me to do so.... my therapist gave me an assignment for one day write down every single shiny reflective surface that I encountered. in one day there was literally over 1000 shiny reflective surfaces I encountered.

because encountering shiny reflective surfaces was my normal i never had obsessive thoughts about it, related to my having DID, in fact I never understood what the problem was with mirrors for some people before doing this therapy activity. it was so normal for me that I just didnt think about how others could not be encountering all these shiny reflective surfaces in their normal life.

that said after diagnosis the one problem I did have was discovering one of my alters was a drinker of alcohol but when that alter discovered it was causing problems for the system as a whole and causing others outside the body to notice us the drinking stopped. we lived by the abusers code of do not tell, which meant dont do anything that would gather any kind of attention with our behaviors, after the body turned 21, we were considered legal drinking age so drinking became a part of my life for a bit but the first sign of problems or attention from it, the alter involved stopped drinking for fear of accidentally disclosing to others they existed while drunk talking or drunk behaviors. you might say drinking just didnt stick as a part of my system for the safety and survival of all.

maybe your or a treatment provider near you can help you with your drinking if this continues to be a bother for you.