[peaches100]

I'm having a hard time realizing how often people misunderstand me. I don't know if it's my body language, my tone of voice, or what I say or do. But all my life, I have felt that people misunderstand who I really am and what I stand for. I've had people assume that I have motives that I don't have, or emotions that I am not aware of feeling. Or someone will say I sound angry or snippy when I don't feel that way. It is starting to freak me out and worry me.

[RubyRae]

I think that happens for most people,with or without any kind of dissociative disorder.

Everyone judges others and the world according to their own perceptions.It happens all the time and why many arguments happen here at PC,if you have noticed.It also happens all the time in real life too.

I'm always thinking people are upset,sad,whatever,when they aren't.People think the same of me,assuming I'm snobby because I'm very quiet,assuming I'm mad when really I'm tired or hungry,etc.

It's not just you or anything you should worry about I don't think.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by peaches100

I'm having a hard time realizing how often people misunderstand me. I don't know if it's my body language, my tone of voice, or what I say or do. But all my life, I have felt that people misunderstand who I really am and what I stand for. I've had people assume that I have motives that I don't have, or emotions that I am not aware of feeling. Or someone will say I sound angry or snippy when I don't feel that way. It is starting to freak me out and worry me.

the confusing with those who knew me wasnt because I was acting different than how I felt. it was because I would be saying and doing things how i felt and wanted to do then I would encounter a trigger that would make me feel numb, spaced out and disconnected and an alter who took care of that would take control and the alter would be doing things according to her own sense of agency...

example before integration i would say I really like this movie, that actor did a great job, then encounter a trigger and an alter in control would hear my friend say so you think it was great how that actor did this? and my alter would say oh no I dont think he did good on that part of the movie but I did enjoy this actress and scene. and my friend would say wait a minute didnt you just say this and that about that actress, and another alter who's sense of agency was to take care of conflict would take control and say something like sorry to confuse you I just changed my mind. and my friend was back to understanding me and the conversation again...

maybe there is someone inside you that has the sense of agency to make sure things run smoothly in you. maybe you can ask inside and ask them to help a bit more.

[elevatedsoul]

This is weird to me because I can't act how I feel, I just have to be acceptable in others eyes always..

Even if I feel like crying or cursing in anger, it's like I don't exist and I'm just a chameleon shape shifting to the scenario to survive or not be hurt?

When will I find myself and be allowed to be without being influenced by others?

[Amyjay]

Body language has a pretty loud voice. I am very often not connected to emotions, many of mine seem to be held by others parts of me. Sometimes I can feel them around, sometimes I don't. Strong emotion holders are very separate in me. I can go from 0 emotion to having a part come out at the 100 end, then switch around again and I am back with nothing but curiosity and wonderment at how that whole switchy thing works. Other times I don't feel in the slightest bit sad but will be in the body as it is consumed by wretched sobs that I have no connection to at all except for the fact that it is apparently MY body that is producing them. My point being in dissociative disorders strong emotions are very often dissociated, and in dissociative disorders it often happens that there is not a clear distinction between who is out and who feels what or who is in control or, well, anything at all really!
So maybe you could be curious about these little cues that others are offering you. If someone says you sound angry or snippy maybe you could accept that as feedback and just sit and think and feel for a second and muse about whether that person is picking up on some emotion or experience that is not yet in your awareness. Because really, it could be one of two things. Maybe they are simply misinterpreting you or maybe some part of you inside is trying to express themselves but you just can't hear them yet.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

Body language has a pretty loud voice. I am very often not connected to emotions, many of mine seem to be held by others parts of me. Sometimes I can feel them around, sometimes I don't. Strong emotion holders are very separate in me. I can go from 0 emotion to having a part come out at the 100 end, then switch around again and I am back with nothing but curiosity and wonderment at how that whole switchy thing works. Other times I don't feel in the slightest bit sad but will be in the body as it is consumed by wretched sobs that I have no connection to at all except for the fact that it is apparently MY body that is producing them. My point being in dissociative disorders strong emotions are very often dissociated, and in dissociative disorders it often happens that there is not a clear distinction between who is out and who feels what or who is in control or, well, anything at all really!
So maybe you could be curious about these little cues that others are offering you. If someone says you sound angry or snippy maybe you could accept that as feedback and just sit and think and feel for a second and muse about whether that person is picking up on some emotion or experience that is not yet in your awareness. Because really, it could be one of two things. Maybe they are simply misinterpreting you or maybe some part of you inside is trying to express themselves but you just can't hear them yet.

Amyjay,

Thanks for the explanation. It helps greatly! Also, the way you explained your episodes of feeling no emotion and then 100% emotion when a part intrudes is exactly what happens to me. I also then go back to not feeling anything and wondering why I responded in such an emotional way. I also have found myself crying but not knowing why. I can be sitting there talking to my t, and all of a sudden, I can feel an awful stab of pain in my heart and my body starts producing tears. But I am not aware of feeling sad or thinking about something sad. It is very disconcerting.

[magicalprince]

This is definitely a common experience with dissociation! It seems to me like you may be particularly afraid that your emotions could cause conflicts in your relationships?

[elevatedsoul]

What do you do about that?
I've never been allowed to have emotions really

I guess that's why I feel numb a lot and empty because my own emotions risk my survival and have to shut it down so I can be manipulative or something to get other people to accept me so I have help and protection and safety.. even if not feeling safe or whatever

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

the confusing with those who knew me wasnt because I was acting different than how I felt. it was because I would be saying and doing things how i felt and wanted to do then I would encounter a trigger that would make me feel numb, spaced out and disconnected and an alter who took care of that would take control and the alter would be doing things according to her own sense of agency...

example before integration i would say I really like this movie, that actor did a great job, then encounter a trigger and an alter in control would hear my friend say so you think it was great how that actor did this? and my alter would say oh no I dont think he did good on that part of the movie but I did enjoy this actress and scene. and my friend would say wait a minute didnt you just say this and that about that actress, and another alter who's sense of agency was to take care of conflict would take control and say something like sorry to confuse you I just changed my mind. and my friend was back to understanding me and the conversation again...

maybe there is someone inside you that has the sense of agency to make sure things run smoothly in you. maybe you can ask inside and ask them to help a bit more.

Thanks, Amadalouise, for explaining how this happens for you. I don't know if I have a part inside that is able to run things smoothly. The one that keeps things on keel is my normal adult part when nothing happens to trigger other parts into becoming active. I'm not sure any of the parts inside has the kind of control that I have when not dissociating. There doesn't seem to be any inside conversation between parts either, although individual parts will sometimes communicate with me.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

This is weird to me because I can't act how I feel, I just have to be acceptable in others eyes always..

Even if I feel like crying or cursing in anger, it's like I don't exist and I'm just a chameleon shape shifting to the scenario to survive or not be hurt?

When will I find myself and be allowed to be without being influenced by others?

Elevatedsoul,

It sounds like you're having a difficult time believing that your thoughts and needs matter at all. Perhaps you think that your purpose is to please others? would encourage you to work with a therapist on accepting that you have value, and that your thoughts and feelings are just as valid as other people's. Until you believe that you have anything important to contribute, you will have a hard time allowing yourself to be who you are, and a hard time allowing inside parts of you to be active and express their thoughts and feelings.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by magicalprince

This is definitely a common experience with dissociation! It seems to me like you may be particularly afraid that your emotions could cause conflicts in your relationships?

Magicalprince,

Yes, you're very perceptive. One of my greatest struggles has always been fear that expressing my thoughts and feelings honestly would hurt other people's feelings or cause them to dislike me or reject me. As a child, I was often reprimanded for expressing any negative feelings, such as anger, need, fear, worry, etc. It was seen as "whining." I was also told often to "Grow up!" and that my feelings were stupid. My dad enjoyed pushing my buttons and getting me upset, and then would laugh when I got angry or cried.

I've actually learned to be much more open about my feelings with the help of years of therapy. So much so that now, I sometimes swing to the other end of the spectrum and am too harsh or angry in the way I express my feelings. I guess I never learned the right balance, so I am having to learn it now in my mid-50's.

[elevatedsoul]

I don't know how

I try but something shuts me down or something...
I don't think I am real anymore kind of... I don't know what's going on at all.. just confused and seemingly over compensating at the expense of other problems..

But I seem to be functioning.. besides feeling really foggy and forgetting stuff so much... but they havnt yelled at me at work yet and I havnt messed up bad on the forklift or whatever.. hope I'm doing ok job... I'm trying... it's just hard, think my mind is a little messed up right now

I can't fail though, the job has to work out.. I can't look weak cause everyone is watching me litterally...

I think I'm making it worse, I'm going to be fine

Today was just a long rough day..

[Fuzzybear]