[comeintothehole]

I feel a very big mental confusion in my brain. I can't assimilate things quickly and sometimes I have to ask the person to repeat what them just said because I just couldn't find a meaning in it or because I wasn't focused enough. I've ordinary feelings of depersonalization/ derealization and I can't get out of that hole. My therapist recently discharged me because she said she believed I was well enough and I agreed because I wanted to get away from the feelings I developed for her. I don't understand how I can be so drawn to problems. I don't understand how in everything I do I become so divided that I don't know what I really want. Sometimes I want to improve, but sometimes I don't. This duality of thoughts kills me. I don't even know why I'm writing this, but if anyone has something to say or share, please ... it will be a pleasure.

[ShadowGX]

I think a lot of us can relate in some way to what you wrote. I definitely do. Having to ask people to repeat things... If I'm not 100% focused on what they're saying, this is a common thing for me. I try my best to focus, but in some situations it's not always possible. Then there's the sometimes wanting to improve and sometimes not. It's so difficult to change. I want to, but some days it's just too much effort. We can't give up, though.

[Skeezyks]

I'm sorry you are having all of this difficulty. Much of it is certainly familiar to me too. You mentioned your therapist discharged you because she believed you were "well enough" & you agreed because you wanted to get away from the feelings you'd developed for her. My personal opinion is that this may have been unfortunate (although probably not unusual.)

I think the better way to have handled this would have been to have discussed, with your therapist, the feelings you were having. Assuming your T was experienced & skilled, she would have understood what was happening & would have known how to help you work your way through it & beyond. Of course, if your therapist was not experienced & skilled (which her discharging of you because she thought you were "well enough" kind-of suggests to me) then she might well not have known what to do.

Regardless, at this point, you are without a therapist it sounds like to me. But you're still dealing with a lot of mental & emotional confusion. So my thinking, with regard to this, would be that perhaps the thing to do would be to find yourself a new therapist with whom you can continue to work on your concerns. My best wishes to you...

[comeintothehole]

Guys, you made me feel better just because you said you identify with my crazy feelings. I'm grateful for all the words of welcome, care and advice. People like you're what really make the world worthwhile. That one day we leave all this madness, we deserve to be happy.

[Laurel1562]

I do know how you feel! I hope you can find a new T who can help you.

[stahrgeyzer]

comeintothehole, I have that sometimes when I become very afraid. Especially when I was younger it was hard talking to people becomes of fear, social fear, unless we were good friends. The fear kind of clogs the brain, in a way.

When I’m dissociating bad...coming in and out of a daze cross eyed midconvo....I often say ‘say that again” and repeat......it’s such a habit that I just laugh it off because this has been my normal. I throw an excuse out there and the best one is I had a few beers last night to explain it away...and they laugh.

It’s hard staying present...and can be dangerous, too. I stay away from other cars when driving and at the back of the pack going slower then those around me- just in case.

It’s a tiring battle for us...but time doesn’t stand still, gotta keep pushing on.

[dlantern]

I'd mix in those interactions DID Therapy is very much this way working from three realities ....If you can be very specific then you win at their game in how this is when identity is used for folks that need to hide for their first one. Duality just adds a SRA angle to it not really up on it that much you just make sure that you can share to who is safe no matter the what the passive influence says or who is coming out of a severe dissociated place they must wait and not beg for training. Problem going to get the same scolding so why even try work from the escape most of us are not what you read about ...Try to discourage sterotypical thinking and you must learn that inner world through and through in order to survive.