[Lilly2]

I'm sad but I cannot cry. This is me, the host.

My protective alters help me to be brave, but it's hard when my issues are debated all the time. Therapists don't even agree with one another. How can I find consistent help to integrate when that which needs integration is scrutinized, doubted, debated, and falsely attributed to some other disorder?

I'm almost at the point of tears, but my disorder prevents me from shedding them. Inside, I'm crying as a dissociated self, but outside I'm typing this, apart from my protective alters who have more guts than I do sometimes.

I want to integrate, and I wish that all I had was PTSD with dissociative symptoms. But no. I truly do have DID, apart from PTSD. When I work on trauma issues, I sometimes dissociate. It's not my fault all the time for dissociating. I try my best to manage my dissociation so it doesn't become "therapy interfering behavior." But it's not something that I do consciously. If I could see myself as a whole, single person, I'd be healed from this disorder. But I don't. My memories, emotions, and physical symptoms are all fragmented, with some representing different parts of self, or alternate personalities.

Sometimes I see my memories as the alternate personalities' memories, not my own, even though those memories represent the emotions and recalled thoughts from past traumas that were done to my body. I recall only bits and pieces, right before I dissociated unconsciously. I recall only the alters and/or only my depersonalization and/or only my derealization when I try to tap into traumatic memories in order to heal from them, the triggers of today, and the kind of processing that those with PTSD get to experience for their healing.

I don't heal the same as a person with PTSD, who can recall events, mourn, grieve, and reconnect with life. I don't remember the same as someone with PTSD, even if they have dissociative symptoms. I have a dissociative disorder, which means that my memories during trauma processing aren't going to look the same as someone with PTSD, acute trauma, or other trauma-related disorders.

I'm not afraid of criticism, rejection, or abandonment like some people with comorbid disorders, CPTSD, BPD, or other trauma-related disorders. I'm afraid of being

Possible trigger:

beaten, raped, tied down, poisoned, drugged, tortured, psychologically abused, emotionally abused, and robbed

. It's just not the same kind of dissociation that are symptoms involved in other disorders. It's just not.

I haven't heard much from the people who experience other dissociative disorders, apart from DID, so I cannot speak for them. But me, having DID, is not something that I think is praiseworthy. It's debilitating, and it's scary.

It's scary to lose time or fear losing time. It's scary to disbelieve in your own nightmares, night terrors, daydreams, and memories of alternate personalities' traumas. It's scary to only recall flashes of memories, but to forget the rest. It's scary for me to not even remember my high school graduation, or many of the friends I used to have in grade school. It's scary for me to be called by a different name in grade school, and then remembered at reunions of any kind as a different person - especially if I don't remember having ever met the person who reunified with me recently.

It's scary for my own family to recall events that I cannot remember.

It's scary to be accused of lying, wanting attention, malingering, or merely being lonely and desperate.

It's scary to have been misdiagnosed for years prior to a correct diagnosis that made sense. It's scary to have also been mistreated with the wrong therapies and drugs, which only worsened my real conditions.

It's scary to still live in a world that disbelieves my disorder.

And it's scary to be on a forum comprising people who reinforce doubt, stigma, shame, guilt, disbelief, false attributions, and all the negative controversies surrounding DID.

It's scary for me to even admit my symptoms of DID. I'm interrogated all the time with questions like, "Are you sure? You seem...." or "It's very rare...."

DID is NOT fascinating to me. DID is painful! DID is confusing!

I deal with enough doubts about myself, my dissociative disorder, and my sanity. I don't need additional doubts. I need help. I want help. And I'm proactive enough to find help.

But my protective alters are much stronger than I am when it comes to me standing up for myself (and others, even). I just wanted to run away again, but my protective alters put their foot down. And even describing this here tells me that I'm struggling to manage dissociation and integrate, a symptom representing my DID diagnosis.

It feels crazy-making whenever I describe my symptoms and diagnosis. Instead of receiving support, I'm met with questions, debates, doubts, alternative diagnoses, alternative treatments.

Don't you think I've tried all of those over the course of 20+ years? I have. Some have helped, but none of those have directly addressed my dissociative disorder. None of those have helped me to reintegrate myself let alone reintegrate successfully back into society.

I feel hidden and ashamed over and over again. I feel caged and criminalized again and again.

I'm not lying. I'm not asking for attention. I even proved to myself that I don't need attention by embracing living life utterly and completely alone for over a decade. I have friends, yes, but none of them know I have DID. I have went to school and enjoyed socializing with others, but none of my peers know of my DID. I've spent a lot of time alone, and I've enjoyed my time alone. It's not being alone that scares me. I'm very proactive and intelligent enough to enjoy life with what I've got. I've used a lot of the tools from different therapies to help me when I could not afford therapy.

I've been homeless a few times. I never panhandled or asked for attention. I did what I could to get out of homelessness. I may have lost time/dissociated, and I may have switched personalities when I lost time, but me, as a person struggling with DID, did the best I could in very stressful, if not traumatic, situations.

Homelessness is traumatic to me.

Thankfully, I'm no longer homeless.

Thankfully, I've found ways to manage my dissocation.

But managing is not the same thing as integration. Integration is my goal, but it's not always the goal of my alternate personalities. It's hard when your self is so fragmented that you debate with yourself.

Debates are fun and enlightening. But I've dealt with enough debates inside my head that it becomes too overwhelming for me to deal with debates about DID or other dissociative disorders. In fact, I think DID is the only dissociative disorder that gets debated, because the other disorders seemingly are more acceptable as comorbid disorders. It's a struggle for me to debate with my different parts, which is a symptom among many symptoms of DID.

I'm sad whenever I encounter different parts who debate with one another, too. It's like I'm watching two different people inside my head, and both of those people are trying to protect me, the host. One wants to have stricter boundaries for all of us, whereas the other wants to be open for additional help on the outside. Both consider me, the host, as a wimp.

If I were to translate this into "singleton" terms, I suppose that integration would look like me accepting all these different shades of gray thinking as my own internal chaos, which wouldn't be wrong. But, instead of it being me with the chaos, I am dissociated and scared.

I'm scared because expressing emotions brings up flashes of memories of

Possible trigger:

being beaten, being thrown on the bed, being cornered in the room

. I'm not afraid of expressing emotions because of what others might think, yet I do sometimes fear what others might think. My alters are there for reasons that I don't know yet. If I knew, then I could work on them and somehow integrate, or simply be co-conscious and work as a partnership.

I, the host, am in control most of the time. I work with my system the best that I can. I embrace the diversity within my system, also. I love all of me, and I'm trying my best to accept all of me as me. It's not a decision-making process, however. It's an experiential, existential, and emotional process that takes time. It's not like other people or therapists can just CBT my way into integration. It's more than that. It's more than trauma processing, too. The times I've integrated were the times that I've experienced flashbacks of my own - reliving the experiences so painful that I had to be hospitalized in order to deal with them. It's not hallucinations or recovered false memories. DID is trying to bring all the pieces together, however they were perceived when the trauma had occurred. It's about acknowledging and reliving those painful perceptions to the point of accepting those perceptions first before challenging and changing those perceptions. Managing or healing from DID takes additional steps before considering the steps involved with PTSD treatment. It requires self-boundaries that require breaks between processing traumatic memories so that the alternate personalities' memories and my own are adequately faced, validated, acknowledged, remembered, and mourned. It's painful to first see my alters healing from trauma, and even more painful when I recognize that the traumas I'm seeing my alters deal with are my own. It's not something I can quickly jump into, and it's certainly not something my remaining alters can quickly jump into either.

It's painful. DID is painful!

There are times I'm so ashamed that I would rather just pretend I don't have DID and not tell anyone. I've been suffering and healing on my own without any supportive online groups for over a decade. I've tried it "their way," meaning, just getting PTSD treatments. I'm left with more horrors than I would have ever imagined, and I'm now asking for help from a community whom I'm assuming understands DID, that is, for those who were diagnosed and treated for it.

I just need a hug now. I'm not yet ready for a Kleenex though.

[Amyjay]

Wow. Thank you for having the courage to share all of that.
It sounds like you felt you needed to "defend" your diagnosis. I am sorry if you were triggered here on the forum.
Sometimes, when I am triggered, I need to defend my diagnosis to me, too.

In therapy yesterday I had to defend it from other parts of us who said that "they" (meaning me and others) had "made it all up", and "they" were lying. And that everything would be okay if "those others" would just stop making up rubbish. I think our T said something banal like it must be really hard for them to think the others are lying all the time.
What can you do?

I hope you are well, and safe.
I believe you!

[Lilly2]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

Wow. Thank you for having the courage to share all of that.
It sounds like you felt you needed to "defend" your diagnosis. I am sorry if you were triggered here on the forum.
Sometimes, when I am triggered, I need to defend my diagnosis to me, too.

In therapy yesterday I had to defend it from other parts of us who said that "they" (meaning me and others) had "made it all up", and "they" were lying. And that everything would be okay if "those others" would just stop making up rubbish. I think our T said something banal like it must be really hard for them to think the others are lying all the time.
What can you do?

I hope you are well, and safe.
I believe you!

@Amyjay

(((safe hugs)))

I'm sorry you struggle with doubt, too. T sessions are hard when that happens. I've had protector alters say similar things, too, but deep inside, they know that they are afraid of something, whether it be trauma memories, the host finding out, the T getting too close, etc. It's hard for us to handle those things, too. Such reinforcements from the outside only hinder our progress in accepting our diagnosis, our parts, the trauma our parts have experienced for us, and our healing as a whole unit.

I felt like my parts were screaming, "But we're real," inside. It hurt to hear that again. I haven't heard them say that for a long time. I just don't want to feel hurt anymore.

Thank you for understanding. I'm so sorry that you struggle with this too though.

(((safe hugs)))

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by Lilly2

I felt like my parts were screaming, "But we're real," inside. It hurt to hear that again. I haven't heard them say that for a long time. I just don't want to feel hurt anymore.

(((safe hugs)))

Then it is all the more important that you stood up for yourself (yourthems!) That's a good, healing thing to do for yourself... stand your ground when someone is trying to knock you down. A VERY important thing to do for your selves!

[Lilly2]

I am crying now. It hurts my stomach when I cry. I am also on my period. I am scared. It is like the tears will not stop. But I feel safe though. I am happy because I got to cry without flashbacks. My tears are soaking my pillow.

I feel sad because I lost so much. All I wanted to be was a healthy person who served her country and worked well. I just wanted my dreams to turn int a reality. I just wanted to feel safe and make the world safer.

I cannot run anymore. I wish I could run again.

Will the pain go away? I did not mean to cry. It is scary to cry alone.

[Lilly2]

I stopped crying but I am shaking. This feels weird. I am going to sleep soon. My teeth keep clenching up. I cannot wait to shower in the morning.

[Amyjay]

Self-care, self-care, self-care.
Take care of you all.

[Lilly2]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

Self-care, self-care, self-care.
Take care of you all.

@Amyjay

Thank you!

I am feeling better now. I am in bed but might make some chamomile tea soon and watch some shows. The shaking stopped after about 30 minutes.