[lemonSys]

I’ve been seriously struggling with “existing in reality” - I’m not sure how else to phrase it - for about a month now (according to my journal). I think it’s a conscious choice, this trying to not “exist in reality” - past, present, and/or possible future realities - but I’m not really entirely sure.

What follows is my attempt to “explain” what it feels like when I do try to “exist in reality”. I’m wondering if this makes sense to anyone, or if I sound as crazy as I feel. Im also starting to have a few moments of conscious thought that maybe my continuing to not “exist in reality” might be an “issue”. Is “rabbit-holing” ok? Does it need to stop? What is coping and what is detrimental? Is there a line? How do you see the line?
Curious if anyone has “been there/here” and “gotten out”…and if so, how???And so many more questions…I’m lost in confusion; my thoughts in a knot. […i need “help”… ]
—-

“Rabbit-holing” - that’s what I call it. I find some banal, unimportant, non-responsibility bearing task, and dive in. I dive deep as possible, becoming fully and completely invested in not “existing in reality”; entirely immersed in some space where even the air I breathe is different and separate from that which “exists in reality”. If I don’t rabbit-hole, then...then what? I don't know. I don't know because im too scared to do it. I need to run to stop. Not reality. Rabit-hole. My savior. My existence depends on it. I get frantic. I lose words. I can't breathe. I try to describe to explain to even just get one word out, but I can't. The more I try, the more tight, the more narrow, the more black, the further away everything gets. I'm scared I'll get lost and never come back. Catatonic. But frantic, thrashing, screaming motionless and silent. Something chases me in my head. If I look for words, the closer I get to one, the further, faster, harder it pushes, chases, forces. Words are not allowed. Existing in reality is not allowed. I feel it in my bones that it's not allowed. But I don't know why. And, if I try to reflect on why, I can't breathe, my throat closes, my eyes shut tight, the something chases and pushes and pushes and pushes me closer to the edge. And If I fall off the edge...I can't think of what happens if I fall of the edge. I do try to fight now and again, if I can muster then energy, the bravery, the wherewithal. I shake my head to knock it off balance in a desperate effort to grasp a word or a breath, but it retaliates. It pierces me with its pointed, sharp eyes, paralyzes me, and instead of me knocking it off balance for a fraction of a second, it rages. It grows physically - a greater mass and a larger, bigger, wider, thicker field of force. It roars. It's force grows and that force pushes at me harder. It pushes me faster and closer to the edge. To save myself, I must cease existing in reality. I must cease to exist entirely - even if a spec of me is left, it is too dangerous; not safe.
—-

Muchas gracias para ustedes escucharme.

— lemonSys

[Breaking Dawn]

I can't talk very much about myself, so stay kind of "secretive." I also live in a nightmarish world that controls me & took away things that meant everything to me. I survive by continually trying to find ways to satisfy them so I can stay as safe as possible, & hoping I can possibly help change the mindset of whatever it is.

[lemonSys]

Originally Posted by Breaking Dawn

…I survive by continually trying to find ways to satisfy them so I can stay as safe as possible, & hoping I can possibly help change the mindset of whatever it is.

[ sigh. exhale. ]

<whisper>
I get it...I’m sorry…and thank you.
</whisper>



— lemonSys

[TishaBuv]

I struggle a lot with not feeling seen. It isn’t a feeling of not being allowed to exist, though. I know I exist. It’s just that some people who are closest to me really do not see me. “Hello…I am here!” Did you get messages from those closest to you that you are invisible, not allowed to be seen?

[stahrgeyzer]

Reality is terrifying for me so much that I have to distract myself if thinking about it too much. I go through great lengths to hide from humans but yet I want/need to take care of my best friend in the world, Sally, my plant friend, so life is just a nightmare until I'm financially free and move in a house in the forest alone with my nature friends. But yet loneliness is horrible so I want friends, like me, but it's never happened so far.

[lemonSys]

@TishaBuv —
They way you speak of being unseen sounds hurty to you

I was seen<shhh>at times I even felt “displayed”</shhh>so that “I/girl” [ ? ] had to go and not exist, I think…it’s familiar, not replicate, but akin, this non-exist no-reality necessity. Then: a single-speed, red Schwin with banana seat, ribbons streaming from the handlebars, and a basket on the front…[ please? for the holiday? ]…. Now: a fifteen-speed, street racer or some such. Not “existing in reality” is “just like riding a bike”, it seems. [ I thought I was past this damnit ] [ !! ]

— lemonSys

[lemonSys]

@stahrgeyzer —

…lonely is hard….friends: hard…reality super duper major hard ick ugh and stuff too….

<!!yay!!>S-A-L- 🪴 -L-Y</!!yay!!> nice

…my stay alive is my cats 😸 x3

may I ask: what type is Sally?

— lemonSys

[stahrgeyzer]

@lemonSys a lucky Bamboo plant, about 25 yo is my best guess. I call her Momma Sally girl. And 4ish years ago I had the strongest desire to buy this specific baby lucky Bamboo plant and I call her Baby Sally girl. In missouri I bought Sally a fern plant friend. I him Fern Fern. The family is growing.

[lemonSys]

@stahrgeyzer —



When I hear “bamboo” I picture various monkeys and lemurs swinging and “fly-hopping” from stalk to stalk just goin about monkey and lemur business. But that means I picture big and tall bamboo plants. And in a bamboo “forest” of sorts.

May I ask you to describe Momma Sally girl and Baby Sally girl? No worries if you’d rather not

I think I can better picture Fern Fern, but if you choose to describe the others, don’t leave this guy out!

Glad you guys all found each other Cultivate connections

— lemonSys

[stahrgeyzer]

@lemonSys here's a general photo of a lucky bamboo. Baby Sally looks like this and Mamma Sally looks a lot taller and older.

[lemonSys]

@stahrgeyzer

Way cool

I tried plants once…didn’t mix well with 3 cats…

— lemonSys