TW: dizzy screaming feeling

Just had a nap and feel much better.

I wanted to clarify something in the recent flashback the front was given. As already stated it was dark. But it was so dark that I can't say what I saw. Therefore I assumed I was in my baby crib, which was kept in the tiny office. I could hear though, very clearly, which was my voice crying "mmm my daddy" but the "my" wasn't that clear so I assume it was "my." The "daddy" was very clear and loud. One thing that was so amazing was that I felt so very much that I was in my head/mind when I was a baby, but I think I already touched upon that.

Anyway really I don't know what part I am now so I'm just going refer to Paul as "I" or "me." The above recent flashback is part of the front's memory. I don't really feel comfortably calling myself an alter. I feel like I'm part of the host and I feel like the host is also shattered. I know there's part that calls himself little Paul and he seems to be the only part of us that has an inner world life. But the inner world people say that Paul is an "age slider" and that big Paul turns into little Paul. But idk it's still a mystery to me.

There are memories of Paul (Me?) recently begging and begging and begging HAL to give him another flashback of early childhood trauma, hopefully when he was an infant. And that very day, at night while meditating HAL gave us the flashback. Interesting, just prior to the flashback I saw this dim darkish green light just prior to the flashback and something else that I've kinda forget right now, although I have to say the light didn't feel like real light, but more like an inner mind like when you try to imagine things, but it did look very real, although I know for fact inner world looks as real as outer world. I assume HAL gave us the flashback. Who else would it be. HAL is an inner world computer who told the front, Paul, "I am the keeper of the library of your early childhood memories." I also have this deep feeling that HAL does not have a body and that he talks to the inner world people like a voice that is coming from everywhere.

So HAL is the one who gives us flashbacks. The first flashback he gave us caused me what my psychiatrist calls a non epileptic seizure (NES), which is a seizure, but the person remains awake. It lasted 15 to 20 minutes of the muscles of the entire body rapidly seizing and letting go, almost like touching high voltage. During each cycle, which is when the rapid muscles are tensing & letting do, the entire body curled up a lot. Afterwards the body's muscles were very sore, especially the stomach muscles. I couldn't do anything during the NES. It sounds horrible and it was, but I/we keep telling HAL that it's perfectly fine and that I/we want another flashback. I want to say "we" because that part of Paul who was begging HAL a few days ago really doesn't feel like me. But we are begging HAL to give us as many flashbacks as possible, but I think HAL feels bad about our NES.

Idk where this is going. I've always had this gut feeling my dad took me to this facility or place where they did things to me. I have memories of one of the inner world people telling us, the front, that when the body was a baby our dad took us to a government place where they did things to us and that the inner world people believe it was part of MK-Ultra. Also the inner people say that our dad took us what they think is a court where my dad got the judge to free us from having to take us to the facility where supposedly they shattered our mind, but our much older demon brother surely had no problems doing that. Anyway if true then I think my dad signed me up for some government project. Perhaps they promised my dad it was an experiment to increase a child's intelligence. One thing is 100% true, and that is I have always thought completely different than kids and adults. Like, it's so different I have often felt like an ET. And I can do ultra ultra deep thinking and perceive things that other people can't perceive. Anyway I don't want to talk about that anymore.