Can't find any professionals who deal with dissociation

I've tried doing SO many different things in my life. Staying active in my 20's/30's (going to college, working) only made everything 10 times worse! And I ended up having 7 nervous breakdowns from 1986-1993, ended up in the hospital taking horrible medications and getting 17 ECT treatments which DESTROYED my energy - I spent 2 yrs in bed after ECT, I went on disability and into a halfway house which was absolutely traumatic! My energy hasn't been the same since! I've spent the last 20 yrs in bed. I've exercised most of my life and it didn't do a damn thing for my mood or energy.

I responded to paxil in 1996, got off disability, took a job at a law firm then took a job with Air Force in NM (and all my superiors did was criticize me because I couldn't hold a conversation - I couldn't talk after I started dissociating at 13 because I was so detached from myself and couldn't hold a conversation until a few yrs ago) and paxil stopped working after 5 years. Then I tried holding a couple very, very simple jobs and couldn't do it so I filed bankruptcy, moved back to PA and went back on disability and Dr I saw said I was bipolar (I have agitated depression) and put me on every mood stabilizer for 3 yrs with no response at all!
I've had 4 girlfriends in my life which never lasted very long because I couldn't hold a conversation and I traveled to Europe in 2001 twice to meet a Russian girl I met online and it was a disaster!!!
That's my problem! I DON'T know me best! I still have plenty of moments where I don't feel like I can identify with myself especially around people. I haven't enjoyed people since I dissociated at 13. I didn't feel ANYTHING around my friends or family at 13. I didn't find my friends enjoyable or funny anymore and ended up losing all my friends in high school and college. Before 13 I had a fantastic life: lots of friends, I was happy, I joked around a lot. My parents never got me help in my teens/20's!

I've had anhedonia really bad last 15 yrs and don't enjoy or can do anything anymore! I've loved music my whole life - I played electric/classical guitar since 14 and I'm starting to lose interest in music now.
I haven't been able to build ANY confidence the last 45 years for some reason (I guess because I have a hard time feeling myself) and it makes me SO frustrated!

I've seen tons of therapists since 1993 and they have all been incompetent. I had one therapist who I saw for 2.5 yrs who was the only therapist who listened to me but she only gave me general information like every other therapist and she had me walking, riding a bike and swimming and I couldn't stand any of it and none of it helped my mood or energy. She never told me how to manage my acute anxiety - all she said was "You have to manage it!" and I had NO clue what she was talking about!

I've been trying CBT since 1992 and it doesn't help at all because my mood feels so horrible!
I see a new, young therapist on Tuesday and I don't know if it's going to work or not...I'm a complete mess!