No Free Will, Dissociated, Lost my identiy

Been a long time since posting here and feel necessity to get stuff out. Not sure who I am if it's important. A year ago and i last week i came too close to SA. I tried to ask my x-therapist in email something but was so dissociated it didn't make sense. She replied saying my email didn't make sense but asked me to go to psych ward.

I wish someone could help me. The past year seems like a blur. My last SA was well planned out for like a month and everything went as planned but then i recall just before it happened all of sudden i just called my sister for no know reason and told her. my mind goes over this endlessly and it doesn't make sense to me why except it must have been one of those alters who won't let me end myself.

it's such an uncomfortable feeling like i don't have free will. am i just a movie?

although i don't know who i am but i feel new and have strong feeling my name starts with a s. it seems i have a lot of host memories or whoever has been living out here. although the body was born with the name Paul i have memories of one of the host's name was Crystal, a long time ago it feels.

I don't know if I'm supposed to create new threads but it seems more polite for me to just reply here.

So I just updated our About Me page because the last host or alter seemed really anger about everything. Don't get me wrong, although I'm not angry, I still have no clue who I am and why I'm here, to the point where I just feel like hiding in a corner and disappearing but that's not going to fix nothing.

In an email years ago our last therapist gave us this diagnoses but I'm not sure if I'm suppose to set all of these in our About Me page or what,

The primary diagnosis is Schizoaffective Disorder.
In addition, a provisional diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder and Other Specified Personality Disorder with Borderline, Schizotypal, and Avoidant Features.

And she sent us to a specialist more senior psychologist who has experience with DID, which he diagnosed us with.

Names, diagnoses, memories—they can all shift, but none of them cancel out the fact that you’re here, showing up, trying to make sense of it. That’s not weakness, that’s strength. Don’t hide in the corner. Keep writing. That’s how you’ll find out who you are.

Thanks ZilchHour. I'll keep trying. Having a horrible day that's really testing my patience.

I'd like to share a quote I read here at MSF:

Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.