[Kiya]

my t asked me to do mapping of they system -which i brought in. but one on there is "censor" and i forgot to remind her not to talk to censor specifically... which she darn near did. there was a lot of scrambling internally because i thought there was going to be a censor lock down. I (host) got shoved out and everyone was coming and going at top speed while what came out of my mouth was like a hissing sound trying to warn t to stop talking. it was a scary moment for us. we've had a complete censor lock down before where we couldn't talk or move for 30-40 minutes. i don't want another one of those. t quickly realized it was a mistake and did some back paddling with humor and talking directly to host (me) until i could come back. but it has interrupted the workings of the system for the night. as t called it she "stepped on a landmine"... but i'm the one who feels the effects. the littles were especially scared and jumpy the rest of the night - even here at home. very moody, crying, parts are threatening to do harm... what a night. i should just crawl into bed - but i also don't want to be alone right now. it took 2.5 hours away from therapy just to process all this tonight.
reaching out.....

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry that you had such a hard time in t. It can be so easy to end up in a place that is not comfortable and a protective part comes out to protect you from percieved harm. I am glad that you and your t were able to work through it without you going into a censor lock down. It sounds like it got everyone upset and that is so hard and can take a while to settle things back down.

I am sorry I was not on last night when you posted. Know that you are in my thoughts. And feel free to PM me anytime. I hope you are feeling better today. Now you and your t know some things to watch out for and hopefully can prevent such a shake up again.

BB

[Kiya]

=( ty, bb... yeah it did mess up/upset everyone in the system. today i'm alright on the surface, but just underneath things are churning. i keep finding myself coming out of little fuges and did have a couple of switches that are so short they leave my head spinning.

i am feeling really isolated right now and can't even rouse any friends on the phone. i keep coming back to the computer because it feels like my only connection with the outside world.

[littlek]

kiya mis dos hops tat us bs fewlins betrs nows
litlk

[Kiya]

ty littlek. i had a really bad day after i posted that.
but i am ok now. not great, but better.

kiya

sweet Kiya,, sending good thoughts your way!

[Kiya]

thank you ev (((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs!))))))))))))))))))))))))))

i *really* need good thoughts right now (and some fluttering angel triangles!!) in a really bad space again. why can't i get out of this cycle?!