I am struggling... right now... as in no other time in my life..

frightened out of my mind... searching for answers....

answers... to "who am I".... at 52 ... "who am I"... "is there any quality of life out there?".....

my 23... years of therapy... have been about divorcing.. a very abusive husband... and raising a baby by myself... having a job.. that I worked almost enitrely with men... and juggling a difficult on-call schedule.. for work... and taking care of a parent.. that had a damaged heart - all of her life...deaths of parents... multiple surgeries... chronic illness of my son... an eating disorder...

so... it has been 23 years of therapy - well spent.... supporting other people... making their lives work....while I put mine on hold...

Prior to this therapist... I was in therapy... for 4 years.. with a therapist that did not believe in DID....

I was in therapy with her... because I had no money - I had not yet been approved for SSDI... the clinic took a silding fee... plus... for some the therapy was free...

So... right now... my T and I are sorting thru the damage that was caused by the therapy... and yes... for the past 3 weeks.. this has been the source of conflict.. as we have sorted thru it...

My... comments... and such about headaches.. and about coping skills... I believe are about me... re-gaining my self-confidence...

To be told that you do "not exist".... and that... anyone can be made to be DID... was trauma ridden...she told me over and over and over again....

And WHO.... WHO>.... wants to hear about my fear... my terror... my believing for 4 years... I was out of my mind... because I had been told I was DID... and suddenly... this Therapist said "NOT">... there is no such thing... they do not teach it anymore in schools...

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... I spent.... 4 years thinking.. OK.. I am hearing voices... and... previous pdocs.. therapists have been brainwashing me... whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

and why didn't I quit... because I was deathly ill... my eating disorder... bringing me to the... very edge... selling my home... to buy another to downsize.... you name it.. I went thru it... breast lumps...
the death of my abuser...

so.... yes... I am scared out of my mind...

it started about 3 weeks ago... and it contiunes...

and if I were allowed... i would scream... and scream.. and scream....

it is very..... very.... hard to hold on... and not self destruct...

[wanttoheal]

Yep, I daresay many of us have been in similar life situations. We could all play the "who's worse" game and we could all tell some horror stories that would equal or beat someone else's, but what's the point? It goes with the territory that stuff happened to many people with a dissociative disorder but bottom line is that all dissociative disorders are hard and we all struggle with it.

Why not start trying to find some positives instead of always looking to the "whoa is me" side? Life can suck some days for sure, but maybe you can start writing about something positive that goes on. Seems like that would encourage you more.

It does seem as if there is more going on here freewill. Perhaps some antidepressants and anxiety meds would help. It sure seems like it might be worth a try.

If you don't like your T, fire him. If you don't want to fire him, write stuff out and give it to him so ya'll can work it out.

DID, Dissociative Amnesia, Fugues, Depersonalization, Derealization, DDNOS: They are NOT death sentences. Really they aren't. We are intelligent people. We are creative. We had some yucky stuff happen but look how we rose above it? Our brains dealt with it. We could have been dead.

Best of luck to you freewill. Hang in there.

am SCARED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

very SCAREDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD....

am SCAREDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD........

self.... destructive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

not positive................

can't be postive.............

sick.................

(((((((((freewill)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
sitting right here with you
its ok to be scared
breath and breath and try to relax
you matter very much here
muffy