[insidious]

So this is what happened...my shrink yelled at me and said "I'm the therapist YOUR the client" and treated me like poo in general one session, which she never does. WE always talk like friends but all of the sudden she pulled this whole power thing on me and made me feel bad.

So I have all kinds of PTSD and I'm a little borderline and have some flashbacks but Im pretty functional. Anyway, a lot of the stuff I have PTSD from would happen at night in my bed as you mayi magine and so I have a hard time falling asleep sometimes.

I'm sorry- I'm trying to be brief. Anyway. I woke up the next day and there was sort of a voice in my head. It wasnt an auditory hallucination, It was like a guy in my head who was talking to me. He introduced himself, told me his name and said that he would be taking care of me now and to ditch the shrink, that the shrink could not be trusted.

And I went back to sleep and it was like someone else was there to watch over me but it WAS me, kind of. It wasnt really an issue for the rest of the day but then when I tried to go back to sleep that night, ususally I think about my shrink and it helps me sleep.. Just like she's sitting at the foot of my bed reading a book or something.

Well, the guy in my head came back and he was mad and he said to stay away from her and I was afraid of him and I tried to email my shrink to tell her but then the guy got mad and scary and I didnt want to make it worse and then I felt like I wasnt sure who was typing, me or him and I felt like he could take over and I didnt tell my shrink bc I thought she would just think I was being dramatic and also I didnt want to %#@&#! off the guy in my head. This happened on and off for a few days.

Then I had this really big panic attack the next day and I called my shrink and she stayed on the phone with me for like a half hour and was really nice and there wasnt a guy in my head anymore with a name and a personality, but just a guy voice, then a few days lately it was just a thought and now it hasnt been happening anymore.

But things arent the same anymore. I used to tell her everything and now I dont feel the same.. I dont trust her like I used to. I want to. But I feel like I should stop acting crazy and not tell her any of this and just try to be good. Ithink she likes me so much better when Im normal and not crazy. I think I make her tired. I was going to off myself once and she asked me not to, for her and I do all these thing "for her" becasue I dont have anyone else and I was really attached to her, but I've been stupid. It's all bs. She's my shrink. It's not real. It's her job. I think she'll say anything to keep me functioning and like she said, I'm just a client. Really, I have no one that I don't have to pay.

Anyway. Similar experience, anyone?

Anyway. It came, it went, what was it. Was I just being extremely borderline and a big identity thing? Was it more Borderline or more DID? Was it either? Am I just being dramatic? Any thoughts?

Many many thanks.

[wanttoheal]

It doesn't sound like DID to me, but I don't know for sure. I don't think you're being dramatic either. I do think since it's causing distress, talking to your therapist would be good if you could.

I don't know a lot about borderline, but seems like I heard someone say that it can have psychotic type features? I don't know if this is a psychotic feature though. I think the only way you can know for sure is by working with your therapist to figure things out.

Perhaps, if you are too scared to tell T about this, you could write it down and hand it to her. It might work to get information to her without causing disrupt.

Please let us know how things go. It sounds like it's a scary time for you right now. I hope you find peace soon.

[sunrise]

insidious, I did have an experience that reminds me of yours. A protector ego state seemed to come out of nowhere, and there he was. We shared consciousness for about 3 days and he told me all kinds of stuff. Stuff I never knew! I felt very strange that I had this other person inside of me and I felt especially strange that he was a male! (I had 3 younger ego states, all of me at younger ages, but not a male and not someone who was not me, if that makes sense.) This protector was a young male in his twenties, quite brash, with more courage than I. I found out he had conversations with my girl ego states that I was not aware of, especially the teenager. I can't believe this stuff unknown to me goes on in my head! After a few days he was driving me crazy and I felt like there wasn't room for us both in my head. I felt like I was getting squished, like he was crowding me and taking up too much space. So at last I told him rather forcefully to leave me alone, and he went away. I felt bad about that. When I met with my therapist, I told him about this guy and he reassured me that he was just an ego state, not an alter like in DID (because he doesn't take over so that I am not conscious or in control). My therapist did a little couples counseling with me and the guy, even though he wasn't there. He has never come back in the same, overt way, and I feel bad about that, as if I chased him away. I feel like he must be there still inside of me, and sometimes I see him in the reactions I have to certain circumstances, and it makes me smile (or get frustrated!). It actually makes me feel good that I have someone inside who is strong and looking out for me.

I think if you were my therapist's client, he would probably want to work with you and your protector, and do some family therapy with you so that you could learn to get along with other, and so that the protector would stop being mean and domineering to you.

[insidious]

Wow. that sounds so much like what happened to me. Thank you soooooo much for posting . Im going to read your post again. like a hundred times. lol. But what do you think your T meant exactly by ego state?

[(JD)]

Many doctors call the same "thing" by different names? There are some doctors who don't accept the idea of an alter, and use ego state instead. (And there are some who use both descriptions.) Until an alter confronts the doctor in some way, and is documented as an alter (by any name) it might be called an ego state (because it can't meet the dx until the doctor is aware of a secondary personality, if there is one.)



I wouldn't worry about what or who it is, and am glad that your doctor stuck with you on the phone.

[insidious]

okay so I read it again. It was so much the same, a male in his twenties and brash like you said. And yeah, he showed up to help me but then he was mean?! I was afraid he was going to take over, so I sort of kicked him out too, but he was intimidating. But also kind of nice. It was kind of cool to not be alone. Geesh. i know thats must sound strange.
I can relate to feeling bad about sending him away. I kind of wonder if I should try to get him back, or if I even could. It seems like he could take over, but maybe Im wrong.
And yes, he was like a protector, but then why was he mean to mean. hmm. i would love to research this but Im not sure what key words I would use. I have access to lots of databases and like PsychArticles and stuff through my school.
Thank you so much for answering, sunrise. You rock.
I finally emailed my T about what happened and he never really mentioned it.

[insidious]

Sky, I know you said not to worry about what it is which kind of makes sense, but I really want to know more....

I dont think my doc accepts the alter thing. I think he looks at it like a fragmented identity. Is that kind of what youmean?

[insidious]

thank you, want to heal

[(JD)]

Yes, and don't worry because by any name, you are still who you are, and can heal. It is your system that will determine how you heal, with the help of the T. So it doesn't fully matter how the T looks at it, as long as they don't make you "stop acting like that" or something of that nature. If they want to drug you up so you don't think you have others, then that's another story and you'd have to consider what to do then. Sometimes "another" might need some medication for a while...you know

But you, your system, knows what's best really for how to heal and get through this. You do need a therapist to help you though, it's not a self fix disorder. If the T says something that doesn't "sound" or "feel" like it's true, then tell the T that! It's ok...you can educate the T by sharing just the way you feel it is for you...and T can help then.

TC

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
_Sky said:
Many doctors call the same "thing" by different names? There are some doctors who don't accept the idea of an alter, and use ego state instead.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">This is not the case for my T. He is very clear on the difference between an ego state and an alter and accepts that they both exist. One main difference is that the alters can take a person over and the person has no memory of it. The person "loses time." My ego states are not like that. The ones that are younger versions of myself were created by me unconsciously in my childhood due to trauma. I have learned better to take care of them, through therapy. They never take me over. My T says everyone has ego states. Some are just more overt and less integrated than others. Like you could have an ego state that is very good at investing in the stock market. It is the collection of thoughts and feelings and skills and memories, organized around a theme, all bundled up in that ego state.

insidious, there have been some threads here on PC about ego states, and discussion of how they are different from alters. There are multiple understandings of that term, so talk can get confusing! I think of it as a continuum, and the alters are farther along the dissociation scale than the ego states. People with full-fledged alters are said to have DID. There is a type of therapy called ego state therapy, in which the therapist works with a person's ego states and tries to help them live together harmoniously, among other goals.

This is a definition of ego state that I like:

"(Paul) Federn believed that the personality was not simply a collections of perceptions, cognitions, and affects, but that these organized into clusters or patterns, which he called ego states. An ego state may be defined as an organized system of behavior and experience whose elements are bound together by some common principle. "

If you are interested in learning more about ego states, here is a reference to get your started:
http://www.clinicalsocialwork.com/overview.html

I felt very strange when I discovered this male protector ego state and I was afraid to tell my T, because I thought he would think I was going off the deep end. He knew about my little girls, but those seemed more normal, they were at least "me" and the same sex as me. To have an adult ego state of the opposite sex seemed highly aberrant to me, but I did share with my T, and he said it is very, very normal. He was very accepting of this and helped me work on it and not feel so abnormal.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
insidious wrote:
I finally emailed my T about what happened and he never really mentioned it.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I would feel very rejected if I shared such an important thing with my T and he ignored it. I have heard that there is a certain school of psychotherapy that believes if the therapist just ignores a client's ego states and alters, they will just go away and cease to exist. How stupid is that. Maybe your T is one of those. I do not believe this approach to be helpful or healing. It is abandoning the client to work on her psyche all alone, whereas that's why the person is in therapy to start with. On the other hand, maybe your T ignored this just because it came in an email. Many Ts do not like to communicate about such important stuff by email and want the client to bring it up in session. If this is an important issue to you, can you bring it up in session?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
insidious wrote:
I kind of wonder if I should try to get him back, or if I even could. It seems like he could take over, but maybe Im wrong.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I felt the same way about my male. But I didn't know how to contact him. I have discovered certain things that make him very angry and so I can trigger him somewhat by exposure to those things, but I think this is kind of mean. He never came back overtly to me and shared my brain again, but I know he is still there by my inappropriate reactions to certain things sometimes. It helps me handle those times because I just smile a little and say to myself, "oh, that's just my male," and I am more accepting of my feelings and reactions. When he was with me, it felt good to have someone so strong, and since I am going through some hard life events right now, I thought hey, maybe it would be really helpful if I did let him take over. I'm not sure if I could, but why not? I think my T sensed I was considering this and said to me in session, rather forcefully, "you have to stay in control." I trust my T very much so have not entertained that idea again.

Good luck, indidious. I hope you can learn to get along and work together with your male protector.

[wanttoheal]

My T said similar to yours Sister, that there are differences between the degree of separation. She said everyone has ego states. I have barriers in between mine and have no memory of what goes on in those other states. (T said they are alternate states of the brain, which is where the word alter comes from).

T said she has many parts of herself but while I have such separation between mine, she does not. She said she is a mother and a therapist. When she goes to work, she is T. If her child calls in during the day and she talks to her, mom takes over. But T is still there, knows what's going on, etc. The same as at work, while she is T, she hasn't forgotten about her children, what she needs to do after work, etc.

It's still a little confusing to me, I guess because I don't have such integration and I have no knowledge when another part comes over. But there seems to be a separation based on the barriers and integration of parts.

I guess it depends on where on the dissociation line you are? Maybe like a timeline with a million dots along a 24 hour period. That's what I think of when I think of the dissociation line. Millions of dots on the scale of dissociation. A lot of different factors determine where we land on that dissociation scale.