[multipixie9]

I was reading some posts since I'm not sleeping. People were talking about experiences with different docs. and T's. It brought something up that I need to talk about. I hope I don't upset anyone...but...

I had a Psychologist who emotionally abused me and committed malpractice. She set me behind and actually made it terribly hard for me to accept my real DX.

My Mom had cancer that went undiagnosed. When she finally found a lump in her breast she was dead 7 1/2 weeks later. It was an awful time because I knew she was dying and my dad denied it and everything was truly heinous, plus I had two small daughters who needed me and a husband who was workaholic and emotionally UNavailable in the max. My mom was highly abusive in many ways since I was a baby and even as an adult she could mess with my head and just make me ill.

When she died I spiraled into severe depression/anxiety. I couldn't handle her death when there was so much of her life still twisting me into a pretzel of misery.

I checked into a psych hospital, suicidal and stayed 2 1/2 weeks and then miraculously recovered when my insurance ran out. They told me I slept between 1 and 2 hours a night. I was so well I could go out without an attendent, at least on the progress board - only they never let me out without someone there to watch me so I didn't use the chain-link fence to cut myself. My biggest progress in that hospital was that I realized they did not have my answers and I've never needed to be hospitalized in a pward again.

That is all background to what I really need to say. 8 months after this "theraputic" experience I had to check myself into a day-patient program because the depression had me non-functional and I couldn't find an anti-dep that would work for me - it took 13 years before I finally did find one that ACTUALLY worked (whoo hoo!).

The psychologist in charge of this program was what I call a wounded healer. She came out of a 37 year abusive marriage and became a psychologist and had all the answers...

Pretty early in my 20 or so days there I cut myself. She yanked me out of groups session and isolated me alone while she decided what to do with me. 90 minutes later she ushered me into a room with my pdoc and presented me with an 18 point "contract" that specified what I would and would not do if I wanted to remain in this wonderful program. The points I remember were like this...I will not cry in group, I will not ask for any special attention....I will raise my hand for permission to speak....I may not leave the group to go to bathroom except on breaks (I had IBS then). Those are all the rules I can remember.

Not too many days later we did an exercise on our "inner child". I raised my hand and asked Dr H. "Why does my inner child have 3 names?" Her answer was, "Oh don't even think YOU are multiple" (I had never in my life thought of such a thing, I just wondered why my inner child was 3 different ages and names, I was clueless)

Long story short, this Dr. H, triggered my cult programming and I suddenly became a model "client" in this program and Dr. H. was happy about that and when someone new came into the program she would tell them the ground rules and point to me and say, "Leslie, who is in charge here", and I would obediently say "You, are, Dr. H and when you say jump, I say how high, on my way up into the air" All my emotions went into a complete lockdown and I became the "Stepford Client".

I went to a new T that fall and spent a year with him and got nowhere until he transferred me to the T I have been working with for 14 years now. It took her about 2 years to help me accept the D.I.D. DX because of my own denial and this former bad T.

It makes me really, REALLY angry that this woman did me so much damage and damaged my trust as badly as any of the perpetrators from my childhood. This woman contacted me 2 weeks after I left the program (against all ethics) to see if I wanted to work with her in a multi-level marketing program!!!!!! I must have had some bit of recovery because I thanked her politely and never spoke to her again.

This woman shamed and humiliated me(in private and in group) and hindered my progress and as such violated her Hippocratic Oath (if PH D's take those kind of things). I literally performed for her just like I did the cult in my childhood. I did whatever she wanted me to do and it hurt me, it scared me and I went back day after day and let her keep dishing out the pain to me. She even brought TV's in on April 15th so we could watch the standoff in Waco over David Koresh's group end up in flames. I feel emotionally abused by this woman. I feel angry with myself that I LET HER MISTREAT ME, IN FRONT OF WITNESSES. She even trained me in how to do grounding techniques so she could use me to help a girl named Betsy calm down from her flashbacks if Dr. H was out of the room.

I wish I had had the guts and strength to sue her for malpractice - I've never sued anyone or really wanted to do so, but this woman is a walking menace and I just let her abuse me and keep right on going. Of the 8 people in this program at that time, I was the ONLY one with an 18 point contract and who was treated the way I was treated.

Sorry this took so long to say. I am just now beginning to feel and deal with anger from inside. My littles are talking to me and I hear this sad little voice saying, "She hurt me....She hurt me" She hurt us all and we did not deserve it. All I did was cut myself one time a little bit. Plus this woman made it hard for me to accept that I had DID. GRRRRRR!!!! (I know this post should have been in psychotherapy, but there is someone in there who is very upset over her past T's and I didn't want to perhaps upset her with my deal over one rotten T)

Leslie, Leah, Leli and KiKi------> ALL MY ALTERS ARE IMPORTANT TO ME!!

----> MEGA-RANT...SORRY FOLKS!

[iamtwilight]

i'm sorry you guys had to go through that sometimes emotional abuse is much worse than physical abuse.. with physical abuse alone, you can drift away... but when they mess with your mind, it's chained and doesn't have the chance to escape.

i'm glad you posted this though and let all the emotions out. hope it helped. it usually helps me.

safe hugs from
katie

[wanttoheal]

That's hard and I'm sorry you went through that. I struggled with accepting my diagnosis as well and even now sometimes will deny it to myself and t. I think it's a hard diagnosis to accept for so many reasons. My biggest reason was because if I accepted that I had DID, I had to accept that things happened to cause that and I couldn't do that. I still struggle with that concept but T has helped me so much with that. I'm sorry you did not have good support at that time. It sounds like your current T is much better at accepting where you are right now. I hope things will get better for you.

[multipixie9]

Katie, thanks for being kind to me. You are right emotional abuse hurts even more because you can't get away. When the T is as bad as an abuser it gets awful confusing and just awful.

Wanttoheal, Thank you too, Things really are better than they were. When I could not let out any anger or feelings it made me be in so much physical pain it was horrible, horrible, awful. So, some of this posting was because I read someone's troubles finding a good T and it made me remember my bad T and I decided to tell on what she did to me. She was wrong to treat me that way and she took advantage of me when I was too hurt to take proper care of myself. I do not like that woman!!!! GRRRRRR

Rachel the Angry Pixie and Jane

[pachyderm]

(((((multipixie)))))

I have had similar experiences with alleged "therapists" so I know you are telling the truth.

[sabby]

(((((((((((((((( Leslie & Pixies )))))))))))))))))))) Safe and gentle to all of you.

What a horrible situation to go through. I'm so sorry that happened to you all. I so hope you are not beating yourself up over this and how you reacted to her abuse. It's such a difficult thing to understand and accept that your reactions were so ingrained and you had no choice at that particular time to act in any other way than you did.

It's no wonder you and the others are hurt and angry over this situation. And you have every right to be angry. I am glad you have a good T now. Thank goodness there are good ones out there to find.

I pray your healing continues dear ones!


sabby

[multipixie9]

((((((PACHYDERM)))))) AND ((((((((SABBY))))))))

Thank you for being kind and for believing me. That woman was scary as can be. She wanted me to do a trust exercise only she didn't tell me what it would be until we were sitting on the floor, hip to hip in opposite directions. THEN she says she wanted me to lean across her and let her hold me in her arms. You know what...I literally levitated off that floor soooo fast and said NO!!! No, I can't do that and I went and sat down. I did not let her hold me or touch me it was awful and scary. It would have felt really sick if I had let her touch me cos she wasn't a safe feeling person. Yuck. She was mean to us and wanted to use us to demonstrate how safe she was..NOT!!!

Sorry, I went off about her again. She was just creepy and psuedo-theraputic, not a real healer. I would so like to put her name on here, but I would NEVER do that - even if she is a bad person. That would make me bad like her. My littles think that would be a good idea to warn people about her, but I told them NO we don't do that.

You are sweet people, thanks for your support. She really did hurt me when I was already so far down. See ya later.

Leslie and Pixies